Grazie Mille💖

Dear DLL Jesus,

Yes, Lord, "I will sing forever of your mercies through all ages, my mouth will proclaim your fidelity" because you have been so very kind and generous to me and to my people given by you.🤗 You loved me when I could not love myself and you drew me close to you when I went berserk - you saved me from eternal damnation and getting doomed.🙏 I will sing through my entire life of your mercies as they are countless.

And I am extremely happy today because it is Nikku Carmel, my spiritual son's birthday today.🤗 I treat him like my spiritual son even though I have never told him so. There is no need at all - it's something between you and me - it's only for you to know what I feel for my Carmelite Family. He's a son and there's one more spiritual son that I have in Carmel - Frater Crasta - but even he doesn't know about it. There is no need at all. So I have two spiritual sons in Carmel and two biological daughters - and I have Carmel Peace in my heart and you as my Heavenly Spouse and best friend and also an earthly spouse who also is my best friend.🤭 And this is my Family!🤗 And oh yes, Minnie in heaven and Milo on earth - all these beautiful people make my beautiful family and I am so very thankful to you for these beautiful family members.🤗💖🤗

Thank you so much from the very depths of my heart❤️ 

Grazie mille💖per la mia famiglia💖

How can I love you more, Lord?

Dear DLL Jesus, 

The more I read, the more I wonder. I wonder why only the love of religious men and women, that they bore in their hearts for you, is highlighted especially when they were canonized.😥 Their love for you is highlighted in their writings. 

Why the love of simple lay people, especially women, is not highlighted? Why our writings are not highlighted? I refuse to believe that there has been no ordinary married woman who has loved you wholeheartedly and dedicated her entire life to you - giving up all her vices and deciding to follow you all her life.😥

Your Jubbu is one such married woman who gave up all worldly ways to listen to your voice and dedicated her life to you. I came to know you as a married woman. I have created a world where you have been given priority in whatever I do and I try to do everything as per your will. I have adjusted my life in such a way that I can give first place to you in whatever I do. I am trying to grow in my love for you by reading, writing and studying more about you. Just because I have an earthly spouse doesn't mean that I love you less. In fact, I have even told my earthly spouse that I love you more than him and he's perfectly alright with it. He's happy that I love you more than I love him. 

So I want to ask you whether my love for you is any less than any unmarried religious woman? Do I love you less than them? What more should I do to love you like them? Are you happy with the way I love you? How can I love you more, Lord? Why can't my name be added to the list of women who loved you wholeheartedly; who walked with you when you were here on earth? 

I ask again - what should I do Lord to love you more?😥 Are you happy with my love? Is it enough?

Lord, will you please do it?

"If you ask me for anything in my name, I will do it."

Dear DLL Jesus,

The above verse is from today's gospel, the last line, taken from St. John. My heart is overwhelmed nowadays because of your words of assurance in all the readings. 

Thus today I dare to ask you for Carmel Peace - all for myself!!! Lord, will you please do it? Give me my Carmel Peace forever and ever - without any hesitation and hindrance and reservation - will you please keep my Carmel Peace always close to my heart❤️ because I have always yearned for my Peace of heart and I did not have the slightest inkling that I will ever find my Peace - my Piece - in Carmel and you know very well what that Peace means to me - does to me - all my life I was wandering after the wrong Peace!😥

And now that I have found the right Peace, let it be always mine. Let no one with their charmth and warmth try to snatch this Peaceful Peace from me - it is my peaceful world and it means the world to me.🤗

So, Lord, I ask my Carmel Peace in your name - please let this Peace be given to me till eternity and my Carmel Peace be also made known about the love I bear in my heart ❤️ even though I know, I can actually feel, that my Carmel Peace too knows that I bring love and peace!🤗 

Please Lord please do it for me and my Carmel Peace - this peacefulness - I ask in your name!🙏 Lord, will you please do it?

Wanderlust

"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand."

Dear DLL Jesus,

These verses are from today's gospel and they have always been my favourite.🤗 I am so very thankful to you for your words of assurance. Let no one snatch me from your hand 👏 - please keep me hidden in you and your love 💕 Please keep me away from the worldly pleasures - let me not get distracted by the world - you and my Carmel Peace are my worlds - let me always be in these two places.

Let me always hear your voice and feel secure that I am close to you - I don't want anything else!😥 Only you suffice - and my Carmel Peace that you have given me!🤗 Let me travel to all those places where Carmel Peace exists - I did not know that I liked travelling so much. In fact, I want to travel to only those places where Carmel exists. I am amazed to realize that all the places where Carmel exists are so beautiful. No wonder then the meaning of Carmel is "a beautiful garden" - every monastery and every spirituality centre has such beautiful names and beautiful gardens - filled with the beauty of nature and there's always a river flowing close by!🤗 What a privilege to live in the lap of nature!🤗

So Lord I want to travel to these beautiful places at least once in my life. I did not know I had this wanderlust in me!🤗

In Your Time.......

Dear DLL Jesus,

While looking at some of the church photos in Mangalore, I realized yet again, that I had not been inside any of your churches during my childhood years in Bhilai and Durgapur. I don't even know the names of any churches in both these places. But that doesn't mean that these places don't have any churches.

The first church or rather a Mass that I ever attended was in Vasai. It was a Sunday evening and I had gone with our new neighbour. It was not a proper church at the junction of two roads. I think it was some kind of grotto where the Mass was celebrated. People just gathered at the corner of the two roads. They kept standing during the entire Mass.

And I couldn't stand for so long and thus fainted. I don't know which month it was but it was certainly after the SSC exams and I had a lot of holidays and so went for the Mass with the new girl I had befriended. 

Recently when I was recalling this incident of fainting, I felt like Nathaniel under the fig tree. I have even written about it to you that how after so many years when I think of that incident I feel like Nathaniel whom you saw under the fig tree. You had seen me during that fainting incident and must have felt bad for me and so made me your own.🤭 Or may be you had known me right from my mother's womb and that Sunday just wanted me to attend my first Mass. And you made it memorable by causing that fainting incident.🤭 I don't know - it's you who knows everything!

But the long and short of this conversation is that in my childhood years I had never been inside a church! What a loss because all churches are so beautiful - indeed your Bride - and that's the reason so decked up for her Bridegroom!🤗

Yet again the same question arises in my heart - why was I not given my Carmel Peace earlier than the time I got it?

I have the answer as well - "In your time, you make all things beautiful in your time."😥

Guide me, Holy Spirit!

"Do you understand what you are reading?" And he said, "How can I, unless someone guides me?"

Dear DLL Jesus,

These verses from the Acts of the Apostles Chapter 8 describe the story of my life right now. There are so many things about you that I keep reading all the time but unless someone guides me properly how will I understand them all. The deep meaning hidden in the layers of the Scriptures that are not at all fathomable when we read them for the first time. There are many layers to these verses that apparently seem easy but are not - that's why I have always wanted to do an in-depth study of the Bible - as it is a treasure trove!

Finally you are opening this treasure trove to me by fulfilling the desire of my heart through the online "Bible Theology and Biblical Spirituality" certificate course from St. Peter's Pontifical Institute, Bengaluru.🤗 This course begins from June.

And then in July and November I will be at Dhyanavana, Mysuru, to attend a plethora of courses.🤗 I am so very excited and looking forward to doing those courses. 

I will be sitting and staying and also praying at one of the most beautiful places that fall under the KG Province and that has been blessed by the presence of Spirit-filled Carmel Peace.😇 

That's why when Fr. Walter took up these same verses for his reflection during the Holy Eucharist, I listened to him attentively. He said that we must pray for the Spirit to guide us to understand these Scriptures because Jesus himself has appointed the Holy Spirit as our guide and advocate. 

So Lord I pray that the Holy Spirit guides me during my studies online as well as at the beautiful Dhyanavana to meditate upon your words and understand them accordingly. May I not be in a dreamland🤭 especially in November!!!🤭

Your House, Your Home!

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today I have a lot to tell you.

Firstly, I am very happy to see this photo from 2010 come up on Facebook memory. How beautiful and innocent they both were 13 years ago! They still are but sadly the same attachment is missing!😥 But they are the best - never troubled us - no complaints ever from the school or the creche or the neighbours when they played in the garden! Till today we don't face such problems.🙏 So they are the best girls you have given us. Thank you so much, Lord!

"Thank you for the sun and moon" - that's what today's recessional hymn was!😇

I also want to focus on the response to today's Psalm - "There is one thing I ask of the Lord, to live in the house of the Lord." Please Lord let me always live in your house and study to grow in my loving relationship with you and feel secure in your house. I don't want to be anywhere else.

And that's the reason even our house is not getting sold even after so many attempts since 2014 - because it has been blessed by you during the vision that I saw in Tabor in 2013.🙏 That's what even the first reading is all about - "If the message is of human origin, it will fail. If the project or action is from God, then nothing can destroy it." The words of Gamaliel to the Sanhedrin. And I passed on this message to hubby as well who is trying to sell off the house.😥

I am so convinced that I will not be going anywhere from this house as you have blessed it and sprinkled your precious blood all over the place!🙏😇🙏 And this is your house, your home and I welcome you today and tomorrow and always! Please stay with us in this house and never leave us and please don't allow us to leave it - let us all stay together happily ever after!!!🤗🤗

Eight Months Without Minnie😥

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today is the eighth month without Minnie!😥 So I wanted to offer flowers to her. But I had forgotten to buy them yesterday. So in the morning while coming back from the church I looked at every corner to see whether any flower vendor was sitting. But none were there. I was desperate to offer flowers to Minnie because, for the last two months, I have not done so. In February I was travelling back from Mangalore and in March it skipped my mind as it was a Sunday.😥 So today I had to offer flowers to her.😥

So in desperation, I plucked the white vinca flowers from the building plant even though I don't like them. I never liked them.

In 2020 when my blogging was at its peak, I posted about the white vinca plant in my so-called garden in Bhilai. 

This is what I had written:

"There was this drought-tolerant plant near the kitchen window. I was quite indifferent to it as I didn’t like its icy-white flowers. But I am sure I must have watered it every evening. I guess it survived my indifference because the White Vincas love the sun and are low-maintenance plants. These vigorous bloomers form drifts of snowy blooms all summer long. They are resistant to shade, heat, humidity, drought, and insect pests. I remember the White Vinca from Bhilai because of its density and ground-hugging height. It was taller than me in 1988."

🤭🤭 

So today these white vinca flowers from my childhood days in Bhilai came to my rescue.😥

It is you, Jesus!

Dear DLL Jesus,

Since the time I have been getting this desire for attending the courses at Ryshivana and Dhyanavana, I am reminded of some things that the Little Flower wrote in Chapter 8 of her book THE STORY OF A SOUL. While reading this book in February at the beginning of the Lenten season, I knew that these quotes were written for me.🤗

So to begin with, her quote, "I believe quite simply that it is Jesus himself, hidden in my poor heart, Who is mysteriously at work inspiring me from hour to hour with whatever He wishes me to do" is so true. I know you keep inspiring me from hour to hour, minute to minute, second to second. Without your inspiration, I will be a total failure.

Then how true it is when she writes that "He alone can fill the vast abyss of my desires." The desire to be good and to do good and the desire to go for the Lauds in the church and attend daily morning Mass. Thus it's you Jesus who is "always guiding and inspiring me" because you "take into account our weaknesses and knows so well the frailty of our nature." 

And my favourite one, when I read in February and even now, because of which I am writing this post is "He would not inspire me with the desires I feel, were He not willing to fulfil them."

Thus, my Jesus, I am so very sure that it is you and only you who have inspired me with the desire of studying at Ryshivana and Dhyanavana. You have kindled my heart to study - online Biblical Theology and all these courses. You know that I am ready to eat this solid food and I can be taken away from the milk that I was growing on. 

So thank you, Jesus, for this trust in me, and for inspiring me with a desire to know you better by attending these courses.

Precious Day of my Life

Dear DLL Jesus,

I went to sleep immediately after the previous post and I slept quite well. I overslept. And then I had a dream and in my dream, I was at Ryshivana. But no one and nothing was familiar. It was the last day of a retreat and we were given cakes. I ate three cakes.😀 My train was supposed to be leaving from Mangalore station at 5 pm. But I was busy eating the free cakes. Then I realized that only ten minutes were left for my train to leave from Mangalore and I was one and a half hours away from the station. I panicked and stood on the road crying loudly and calling from rickshaws. None of them stopped for me and so I kept crying loudly. I then woke up crying and realized that I had overslept. In my dream I overate and in reality, I overslept. So nothing seems to be going all that well on the 22nd year of my baptism. I have been overthinking since morning and am upset about the thought of not getting a good course that I can do either in Ryshivana or Dhyanavana. I am restless and irritated - not an ideal way to spend the most precious day of my life.😥

Happy Baptism Day to me🤗

Dear DLL Jesus,

It was on this day in 2001 that I was baptized as an adult. From a Bengali Brahmin, I became a Roman Catholic.

I wasn’t glad THEN but I am glad NOW that I was baptized - otherwise, who could I love so much and who would have become my daddy long legs? Who would have stopped me from the vain wanderings in the wilderness and shown me my true Carmel Peace, my CP? 

I was born to be united with you as per the doctrine of St. John of the Cross. If I was not baptized I could not enter Carmelo and I would not have known my Pace and my Pace couldn't set me free. I would have kept wandering and knocking on the wrong doors. I would not have known the great doctors and Saints of the Carmelite Order. My heart just shuddered at this thought and I can feel the tears that are welling up in my eyes. If I was not baptized I would not have known Cloistered Carmel also. My life would have been such a painful one.

Thank you, Lord, for calling me to you and baptizing me, and planting me in the beautiful garden of Carmel. My eyes are now filled with tears and I am still shuddering at the thought of not knowing my CP had I not got baptized. I am tormented now and my vision is blurred because of the tears. 

Now I fully understand the importance of being baptized and I will honour this day more than my birthday as I have been doing for the past few years now. But this year's baptism day is extra special because I realized that I could not even enter Carmelo had I not been baptized. And this realization horrifies me because baptism=carmel=carmel peace. No baptism, no Carmel, no Carmel Peace.😥 So it would have been much better for me to have died in my mother's womb when she tried to get rid of me.😥

But Lord you had other wonderful plans for me🤗 which I can see now for myself.

So a very happy baptism day to me!!!

💖💖

Provincial Chapter

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today the lector assigned to the readings could not make it to the church. So I was asked to do the readings and I did it with great pleasure and confidence. I don't know what made me read the readings yesterday evening at home as a lector.🤗 So in the morning when I was asked to read, I recalled it and went ahead with full confidence.🤗 Thank you, dear Jesus, for this privilege. 

And I read confidently without choking anywhere because there was no early morning sleepy voice today. Also, no early morning swollen eyes and lips that I get each morning from the time I started going to church early. Today there were no swellings and the voice was also better than every day. Thank you so much, Lord. You arrange everything perfectly to glorify your name through the people who love you.💖 Thank you, thank you, thank you!😇

The readings were as follows:

Acts of the Apostles 3: 11 - 26 

Psalm 8: 2ab, 5, 6-7a, 7b-9 

Acclamation: This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice in it and be glad.

Indeed I am so glad today!🤗

Today in the evening the Infant Jesus grotto will be inaugurated after the Mass. But I clicked the photos in the morning as either I may not be able to go for the inauguration or it will be crowded in the evening. I clicked in the dark and daylight - before and after Mass. The face of your infancy stage of life is so beautiful that I fell in love with it at first sight and I could not take my eyes off.🤗🙏🤗

And today again, in fact from yesterday, my heart has yet desired to be at Mysore.🤗

What if I can't be a student there, I can very well go as an OCDS member🤗 - as the President! For the first time, I would like to take advantage of my presidentship.🙏

As informed by Fr. George Santhumayor, the Provincial Chapter will be taking place on 18th April. So in the new Chapter let it be decided that the long-pending Council Members' training will be conducted in Mysore.🤭 And also the Congress in November.🤭 

But as always let your will be done, Lord!😇 If it is your will let me visit Mysore sometime very shortly.😇🙏😇 In 2023.

Calm and Composed

Dear DLL Jesus,

The more I think about it the more I realize that Carmel Peace has changed me. I read the blog post that I wrote in 2020 on the same verses. I realized that my feelings have changed - something I wrote toward the end of the post doesn't resonate anymore - I don't like what I wrote then! But I did not delete it intentionally because I want to keep comparing my feelings post and pre-Carmel Peace days and months and years. I know that I have changed and the old posts will help me to determine this change.

Having said that I am glad to have changed and been able to come out of the situations that dominated my heart then - I have realized that Carmel Peace has set me free from my past debacles and filled me with a peace that only Carmel Peace (CP) could do it. So I have decided to go along with this beautiful change and sober down - just the way I was earlier - no more screaming and shouting but just want to be calm and composed - just like the not-so-good old days. Even though I was struggling with life, I did not scream and shout - I was well-mannered and well-behaved, a girl of few words, and not the garrulous woman that I have become - I want to change for my CP's sake because I sense something beautiful in the future and I want to be like those days when I was good even though my life was not.

That Expensive Ointment

Dear DLL Jesus,

Yesterday was Palm Sunday - your triumphant entry into Jerusalem - and I had been privileged enough to carry the banner of our community - the community started by our Spiritual Director Fr. Melvin in October 2015. I was the first PPC member of our community. But I couldn't handle the post as I could not please the people who were up against me. But the present PPC member has approached me to be an animator - what do you want me to do Lord? I am thinking of taking it up as we should also be serving our community. Lord, please let me know your thoughts and your will on this.

Meanwhile Lord, please help me to faithfully walk with you in this Holy Week - the most crucial week of the year - Lord, help me to feel what you felt when you had to journey this most important week then. Let me journey with you faithfully even though the GJS show has come up as a distraction for me during the Easter Triduum - I know it is a trial for testing my faith as I have journeyed faithfully with you during the entire Lenten season - the GJS show exactly from Good Friday 7 April till Monday 10 April is going to be a tester of my love for you. Lord, help me to conquer these testing days and like you let me come out triumphant on Easter morning - help me to be good and faithful to you Lord!

"Mary therefore took a pound of expensive ointment made from pure nard and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume."

These are yet another favourite verses from the gospel. It is time to do this during the Holy Week. I started it yesterday when I went to the Palm Sunday procession and today to begin the 40 hours of adoration. Last night I went to sleep after midnight but you made it possible for me to wake up early at 4:30 am. I thought since the morning Mass was anticipated for 6 am even the Lauds would be said early. So I reached the church at 5:23 am. But the Lauds were not said. I said it alone before the Mass.

After the Mass, the Monstrance was exposed for 40 hours of adoration. I left a little while later because I will be again going at 8 pm for the community adoration.

I want to be like Mary Lord and anoint your feet with my love. It was her love for you that made her do it - use the most expensive ointment and wipe your feet with her hair. I wish to imitate her - what should I do Lord, what is that one expensive thing that I have that you would like to be anointed with? Please help me to identify it, Lord. Once you help me to identify that one thing I will anoint your feet with that. And let my house and my heart with filled with the fragrance of that one thing.👏

I love you, Lord, my strength

I love you, Lord, my strength; O Lord, my rock, my fortress, my saviour. (Psalm 18: 2-3a)

Dear DLL Jesus,

It was on  31 January 2023 that I started my day by saying the Lauds!😇 That morning when my alarm rang for the second time at 6:15 am I couldn't go back to sleep. I tried to but I could not. So the small soft voice within whispered to me to get up and say the Lauds. So I woke up wide a little before 6:30 am and did my morning prayers - it felt so nice!🤗😇🤗 

So Lord I prayed to you to wake me up every morning to say my morning prayers early! And as always you listened to my prayer and the next morning I woke up at 6:12 am. Since that day with your assistance, I was able to wake up early to say my morning prayers at home around the same time as 6 am. 

Then I went to Ryshivana. As the Lauds are chanted there at 6 am, I joined the Fathers and Sisters in doing so. Then after a break of a few minutes, the Holy Mass is celebrated at the beautiful glass chapel at 7 am. So saying the Lauds and attending the Holy Mass in the morning for a week became a way of life for me. 

This is what I had always desired. But as the distance between the church and home in Mira Road is slightly more than walkable early in the morning, I have always been sceptical to go. But the week-long stay at Ryshivana did wonders for my soul and I finally got the courage to go to the church alone in the morning. 

After deciding to attend the 6 am Ash Wednesday Mass, I have been going for the Lauds at 5:45 am and also attending the 6:15 am Holy Mass. Today I complete five weeks of doing so.👏

A big thanks from the greatest depth of my heart Lord for making it possible for me!👏

I also complete two months of waking up early in the morning.🤗

Lord, you know the desires of everyone's hearts and fulfil them according to their needs. You knew I always wanted to come to the church to say the Lauds but because of the distance, I could not do so. But you fulfilled this desire in your time when you felt I was ready to travel alone in the morning!

So again a big thanks from the very bottom of my heart!❤️ 

As per today's responsorial Psalm, I love you, Lord, my strength; O Lord, my rock, my fortress, my saviour.🙏😇🙏

Constantly Seek His Face.......

"Turn to the Lord and his strength; constantly seek his face. Remember the wonders he has done, his marvels and his words of judgment."

Dear DLL Jesus,

These are the verses of today's Responsorial Psalm 105: 4-5 and I have been thriving to do exactly what the Psalmist is telling us. I have turned to you to find strength in you and seek your face and friendship every day of my life. Lord, I also try to remember all the good that you have done for me from the time I turned to you. I keep writing these posts as a reminder of all your goodness. These are a way of contemplation for me as I engage myself in this loving conversation with you - it is becoming a way of life for me.🤗

And the more I write to you, the more I fall in love with you and the more you bless me. It was your blessing that gave me the idea on this day, or late in the night, in 2021 to launch my magazine Nainen - the woman. Today is the conception day of NAINEN - it will be two years old on 6 May.🤗 And in these two years I have seen so many blessings being poured on nainen and me.🤗 Thank you so much my darling Jesus.♥️

A lot of good things seem to have happened on this day according to Facebook memories. I did a lot of constructive reading and writing on the Carmelite Order during the pandemic in 2020. My faith was strengthened through these readings and writings and even though my hubby and mom tested positive for Covid in 2021, nothing happened to the girls and me even after having all the possible symptoms.😇 We were quarantined in the hall room and suffered a lot because of this but our faith remained intact.🤗

Then over the years, I have written a lot of different posts about the sinful women in the Bible and identified myself in them. So a lot of things have taken place over the years on this day.

Thank you, St. Teresa of Avila!

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today is the birthday of our Foundress and our Holy Mother St. Teresa of Avila. But Jubilee Cardozo of St. Mary Magdalene has been so very busy with her professional writing since yesterday that there has been no time to write to you. Even though I am sorry to have not written to you in the last twenty-four hours, I am extremely grateful for this new height in my writing. Yesterday again I was approached by The Teenager Today to continue writing for them. So since morning, I was busy finishing my Hobby Lobby column for them. This time I wrote about vlogging as a hobby.

I realized that now my writing are been published in the following magazines and a diary:

1) Carmel Light (yearly)

2) The Herald (weekly)

3) LivingWater (monthly)

4) The Teenager Today (monthly)

5) NAINEN (monthly)

6) Jewellers Gallery (bimonthly) 

And the seventh one is the article I wrote for the Ryshivana magazine. Looking forward to seeing it soon.🤗

So, extremely happy and grateful for these writings which keep me spiritually, morally and financially motivated.🤭

Once again a very happy birthday to Santa Teresa because of whom we exist.🫡🤗🫡

Thank you, St. Teresa of Avila for reforming the Carmelite Order and allowing laypeople like us to be a part of it - we owe our charism to you and St. John of the Cross and Blessed John Soreth - a big thanks from the very depth of my heart!!!♥️♥️

Two Desires of my Heart

You delight not in sacrifice and offerings but in an open ear. You do not ask for holocaust and victim. Then I said, "See, I have come."

Dear DLL Jesus, 

These are verses 7-8a from Psalm 40. The entire Responsorial Psalm for the day is so beautiful - especially the response - "See, I have come, Lord, to do your will." 

And Your will is my command Lord because I don't want to do anything against your will. I want to love you and serve you with a sincere heart because it is for this reason that you created me, kept me safe in my mother's womb and finally called me to be with you and with your people - the Carmelites.🤗

Am I overdoing it, Lord? Are you bored listening to the same thing day after day? But what to do Lord - my heart is overwhelmed with Carmel and its Peace. I am sure others will be bored reading what I write. But I am not writing for them - I am conversing with you and I can't think of any other topic to converse about but Carmel.

In the morning when I was making coffee for myself after coming back from the church, suddenly I was in tears. I thought if I am allowed to be born again as a human in my next life what should I choose - become a nun and be inside the Cloistered Carmel or remain outside in the world and become one within the love of Carmel Peace? I was in tears because it was difficult to choose. But immediately I made up my mind to be immersed in the love of Peace right from the beginning of my next life - no more wandering in the wilderness but directly getting consumed by the love of Peace.

Yes Lord, if you give me another life on earth, please let me be united with my Peace right from the beginning! Like this present life, let me not wander in vain and find Peace in the evening of my life. I promise to love you too with equal fervour right from the beginning and not make you wait for my heart to convert - I will respond immediately and not take such a long time.👏

So in my next birth on earth Lord please let me be one with my Peace and let me love you right from the beginning! These are the two desires of the heart with which I will be united with you whenever you decide for me to end my earthly journey.🫡

My Death

Dear DLL Jesus,

Yesterday a very well-known OCDS member from Goa expired. Today was her funeral Mass at the Carmelite monastery in Goa. Nine priests celebrated the Mass. I don't know how to express myself. Life is so unpredictable even though she was battling something incurable. I am so disturbed by this death. The last time I was disturbed by someone outsider's death was that of singer KK whom again I had known and spoken and written about in 1999. He expired in June 2022. 

The thoughts of my death come to me right now. I am not afraid of death. I just want you to give me a good death and a place in your arms. Please give me a peaceful death as I want to die in Carmel in Peace - I am sure it is possible. It will be the last desire of the heart to die before a certain age - yes, not very old. I don't want to die an old lady as my age will be revealed. I want to die while on the younger side. Let my death remain as a sad memory in the deepest corner of Carmel Peace as I will have the privilege to die a Carmelita. I want a death that will grieve my Carmel Peace because there's no deceit in Carmelo Pace.

Yesterday I could not do the readings for today. So it was only during the Mass that I came to know what today's readings were. I like the first reading taken from the Book of Wisdom and even the Responsorial Psalm. I thought of Mio Carmelo Pace when I read the verses of the Psalm. I refuse to believe that there is any deceit in Mio Carmelo Pace - il pace è perfetto 👌🤗👌, unlike others who are filled with mind games. 

It is because of Pace that I exist in the Giardino di Carmelo - I believe in this Peace - there is no deceit in this Peace. There can be no deceit because my instinct feels it and you know that my instinct is hardly wrong. So I feel this Peace and my Peace feels me. I love my Peace and my Peace loves me. We are in love with each other.🤗 And I love being in love with Peace🤗♥️🤗 - madly in love with each other - I am not the only one! Mio Carmelo Pace loves me with equal fervour!!!💖💖

And so when I die please allow me to be buried in Peace and a piece of Peace buried in me. That's the kind of death I want Lord. But you never give what we want but what we need. So if you feel that I need Peace and Peace needs me, please Lord let your will be done! Let my Carmel Peace miss me!😇👏😇

Il Mio Amore Carmelo❤️

"You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life, and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life." (John 5)

Dear DLL Jesus,

The Israelites refused to come to you even after reading the Scriptures. But Lord I found you only when I started reading the Scriptures. Even though I am repeating myself but it was in 2010 that I found you and started loving you after joining the Bible study course. It was in the writings of St. Paul that I found you and started loving you.

And loving you has become a part of my life now - I can't imagine my life without loving you - my life is nothing without your love in it. 

And then the Carmel Peace, the Carmel Love ❤️ has found a special place in my heart - this Carmel Love, my love, il mio amore, was always there existing somewhere - it was dormant but has become active now - the volcano of Il Mio Amore Carmelo has erupted!🤗 The lava, the love, is everywhere.🤗

It is the most beautiful aspect of my life - Il Mio Amore Carmelo - what a beautiful name I thought of just now! That's the story of my life - you, me, and Il Mio Amore Carmelo❤️❤️

Sin no more.......

Dear DLL Jesus,

This is another verse that you tell me now.

Now that I am so close to you and so much in love with you, you keep whispering these words to me all the time. You make sure that I am not falling into any new sins because you know that I am vulnerable and likely to fall again and again. That's why these dark nights of the soul.

So Lord I implore you to not take away from my heart my Carmel Peace. I know that you have given my Carmel Peace so that I sin no more - nothing worse happens to me - let Carmel Peace soothe my heart and soul.

Do you want to be healed?

Dear DLL Jesus,

Does this verse from today's gospel not perfectly describe the situation in my life? 

I was spiritually invalid and wandering in the wilderness right from the beginning of my life. You saw me in this situation and you knew that I had already been there a long time, all alone, and so you asked me whether I want to be healed. But I took a lot of time to answer you. But once I answered you immediately helped me get into your pool of living water. 

So my loving Jesus I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart to have seen me struggling all alone and knowing that I was there for a long time. Thank you for dipping myself in you through what I needed the most in my life. Again I understand that you have given me what I needed the most and not what I desired the most. There's such a huge difference between need and desire. The need of my life then was to be happy and you very well knew that maybe my desire could not keep me happy because of a different priority.

So then you gave me what I needed the most and now you have given me what I desired the most.😇 You have balanced my life so well.

Dark Nights of my Soul

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today l want to write to you about my return from Mangalore one month back. So it's been one month since I returned from Mangalore after doing my doctrine on St. John of the Cross. It's been one month of silence and no response - just like the bad old days. It's been one month since I am again treated as if I am the most horrible thing in the whole wide world. It's been one month that I have been trying to attain forgetfulness. And it's been one month that I am unsuccessful in doing so.

So, tell me Lord what to do? What should I do to attain forgetfulness? Why is it so difficult for me to forget all these matters of the heart? I know that these are those ongoing passive dark nights of my soul.😥 The dark nights of my senses!😥 I will not ask you, Lord, why is it happening to me because I know that it is time for the purification of my soul. You are purifying my soul to get united with you. But when exactly will it be uniting fully? When will the fire of your love consume me fully? 

I hope you are not tired of reading the same things again and again. But what to do Lord? This is what I am going through every day and if I don't confess and share it with you I will be doomed, Lord. I exist because I write to you - without you I am nothing!😥

One month back.......

.......I was travelling back from Mangalore with tears in my eyes!😥 The tears fell more and more when I crossed all the familiar places that I had so joyously entered only a week back.😥 I must have cried till the train entered Madgaon.

While writing this suddenly I am reminded of Palm Sunday morning when you were entering Jerusalem on the colt and the people were welcoming you with palm leaves and singing Hossana! They were so happy to see you. While entering Karnataka even I was very happy and my heart was rejoicing.

But while coming back the very next Sunday afternoon I was in tears. It was the good Friday of my life. The entire doctrine of St. John of the Cross had gone for a toss. I was worse than ever. I was leaving behind a little more piece of my heart at Mangalore. This piece of my heart yearned for that Carmel Peace which I thought I managed to have buried in the doctrine of St. John of the Cross. But I was wrong - the more I got away from Mangalore, the more my heart cried. My heart has been crying since the last year - from the time I first experienced my Carmel Peace in May 2022 in Bangalore. It was this Carmel Peace that I had yearned for all my life.😥

Forever in ❤️ With You

Dear DLL Jesus,

Something that I am dying to share with you since the morning is that I woke up today with a dream - a dream of the Way of the Cross (WOC) by the youth. In this WOC, Googaa was enacting the role of a woman which is not mentioned anywhere in the scriptures. So, Googaa was this unknown woman and someone very known to me and you was playing your role of that of Jesus. Googaa had to fall on your, that is Jesus' feet, and say "Rabbi". So she cryingly fell on your feet and said "Rabbi". To my great happiness and surprise, of course in the dream, the one playing your role slowly picked her up in his arms and carried her out of the scene. I was happy to see this as the spectator. I am sure that this must have been the Good Friday WOC that the youth of our parish enact. A lot of people were there as spectators. I was very happy to see this because Jesus carried her so tenderly in his arms as if a father was carrying his daughter.🤗

So I woke up very happy on the first ring of the alarm on my new iPhone.😄

After I came back from the church I saw WhatsApp messages sending me content and inquiring about content. So I was happy to see such great content after so many days. Thank you, Lord, for giving back my enthusiasm for my dear magazine Nainen - the woman. I have planned the editorials till July.🤗

Lord, you are always so good to me that I wonder why you love me so much. What have I done to be so much loved by you? So very grateful to you for loving me so much - forever indebted - forever in love with you ❤️

I also have been wanting to write to you that last month on this day I was on my way to the Cloistered Carmel and then to the Infant Jesus Shrine in Mangalore.🤗 I was so excited to have been able to visit these two beautiful places. My heart was overwhelmed.😇 I also received a plastic bag full of mangoes and for the very first time and also the last time, my message was answered.😇 There has been no interaction since then.😥 I am again in ignore mode. The ignore mode has been activated for me. So be it - I can't force anyone to keep in touch with me if they don't want to - I can't force anyone to like me and be my friend if they don't want to!😥

Transforming Eucharist

Dear DLL Jesus,

All the readings for the day and the hymns are so beautiful - today is one of those days when everything seems beautiful right from the beginning - first the Lauds and then Holy Mass.🤗

Today I heard that entrance hymn for which my ears were longing - "I wandered far away from God" and the communion hymn "Come back to me" - that made the Holy Mass extra beautiful.

And the readings - a few verses from each reading managed to touch my heart from the time I read them last night. I would like to write them down: 

The first reading from Daniel 3:

.......for there will be no shame for those who trust in you.

Psalm 25 (image attached)

Acclamation:

Even now, declares the Lord, return to me with all your heart, for  I am gracious and merciful.

So with this conviction, I carry on my Lenten journey with renewed fervour!👏

According to today's Facebook memories, in 2019 I wrote about the transforming Eucharist of my life. I have written the following on Facebook:

"If I am not wrong, it was this hymn (amazing grace) during 2011 Ash Wednesday (9th March) that brought repentance in my life! I remember correctly that after attending the Mass and hearing this hymn, I decided to do some acts of penance that Lent. I decided to forgo certain things like my coffee, lunch and Facebook! 

That Mass brought transformation in me! Since that day, I try to be as attentive as I can be for all the Masses!"

Thus 9 March has yet another memory attached to it. 

The Samaritan Woman

Dear DLL Jesus,

Yesterday was the last day of Sunday school 2022-23 - I am going to miss it till it reopens in June. It's going to be so boring without my regular studies to teach in the class - please give me some activities to keep myself engrossed - maybe the reflections for the 2024 Carmel Light Bible diary! Please keep my heart immersed in you!🙏

Yesterday was the third Sunday of Lent and the gospel was about the Samaritan woman. The Samaritan woman is one of the women in the Bible with whom I have identified myself right from the very beginning. It is because of women like her and the woman caught in adultery and Mary Magdalene that I started coming close to you - I identified my life in those women and I drew inspiration from them! For me, all these women were one when I initially started reading the Bible and something was enchanting about the way they were forgiven by you - so I always found these women truly inspirational.

Yesterday we also went to see Minnie 🐱 after an eternity - I uploaded those photos to her album.😥

This post was meant to be uploaded yesterday but I am doing it today.

I am Home

Dear DLL Jesus,

Nowadays I am sharing the verses of the Psalms as I am finding them so soothing to my heart and soul. I am also thinking of studying them extensively on my KJV Bible app. It is high time to start and so I will start today.

So far it has been quite a fruitful day today. Even though I was not getting a rickshaw in the morning to go to the church, I managed to get it on time and reached just in time for the Lauds.👏 So a big thanks from the bottom of my heart!❤️ 

Then during the Holy Mass, I realized that Carmel Peace is my home and so I wanted to hear the hymn "Lord, I am coming home" but they did not take this hymn today. So on my contemplative walk back home I was singing this hymn and feeling good about the fact that my Carmel Peace is my home and I am finally home.🤗

It was yet another happy moment to see today's Konkani Mass of Infant Jesus Shrine, Bikarnakatte - Mangalore on YouTube - though I did not understand much, it felt peaceful.🤗

I have also received great content for both magazines and feel great about it.🤗 

And how can I forget to write about how I was feeling one month back on this day? I was feeling exhilarated on this day in February because I was traveling to Mangalore for my studies at Ryshivana. I was so happy and anxious about it!🤗 So in the morning I told hubby about doing one more course at Ryshivana and also visiting the Infant Jesus Shrine in Mangalore and he just looked at me!😄 I told him not to change his mind later on!!!😀 

So I am extremely excited to plan another trip to Ryshivana and visit the Infant Jesus Shrine Mangalore. But it all depends on you, Lord! My plan will not succeed unless it is approved by you!!!👏 Let your will be done!!!🙏🙏

Wilderness Experience

Dear DLL Jesus,

I have also been thinking about the 30 years of Wilderness Experience that I went through before encountering my Carmel Peace. Just like the Israelites who went through the wilderness experience for 40 years, I too went through it. But I still don't know the exact reason for this.

Lord, was it you that I had to love immensely? Do you feel I could not have loved you so deeply without going through these years in the utter wilderness? Do you feel if my life had taken a different course I would not have been as blessed and as pampered as I am now? Lord, did you give me what I most needed in my life rather than what I most desired? This is the only logical answer that I can think of - you gave me what I needed the most!!!

But then what is the logical answer for encountering my Carmel Peace now at this juncture of my life? Is this what I need the most right now in my life? After wandering in the wilderness for 30 years, am I supposed to stop now and rest in Carmel Peace? And wander no more?

This is the only logical answer I can think of - both have been given to me at that particular juncture of my life when I needed them the most - the wilderness experience and Carmel Peace - the two most important aspects on which my life has been designed by you!

But this is my human thinking 💭 and I have no idea about your divine thinking 💭 because human thinking is foolish against your divine thinking 💭 

PS: Today is the day, one month ago, the much-cherished 3-day classes on Divine Office had begun!!!

Scrutiny of the Scriptures

Dear DLL Jesus,

9 March is yet another memorable day of my life!🤗

After going through my Facebook memories, I realized that it is one of those days when I have been generally happy 😊 except in 2021 when my attempt at selling Clovia products was taken negatively and a lot of ladies blocked me.😄 But what to do Lord? The financial situation was so bad that year that I was desperately selling Clovia products to everyone I knew. But even this failed.😥 I was so disheartened.

Then on this same day in 2022, you filled my heart with your Carmel Peace. The Carmel Peace finally found its way towards me and spoke to my heart through the Scrutiny of the Scripture🤗 - all the misgivings of the past simply vanished away!🤗There was this Peaceful Peace that I had always been yearning for! But of course, I did not realize it then - like your apostles, I realized this truth much later - in Bangalore when I encountered this Peace all over again! It was then that the clarity of Carmel's Peace came cascading down on me and since then I have been filled with this Peace!😇

So to celebrate the first anniversary of my encounter with your Carmel Peace, I ordered a pair of gold Tanishq earrings from the money that my mother gave me yesterday! 

Hope more memorable things are in store for this beautiful day!🤗❤️🤗

But Lord,

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? "I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds." Jeremiah 17: 9 - 10

How very true Lord! I find it so difficult to understand my heart and why it does what it does! So many times in the day I fall Lord because of the deceitful things my heart does - why is it so desperately sick? What should I do Lord? It is only you who understands the deeds of the heart and so Lord please search and test it properly - how much more is it going to trouble me?

But then if it doesn't trouble me, how will I be dependent on you and find refuge in you? And then how will you fill it with Carmel Peace? So please Lord let my heart trouble me as much as it wants to, you please keep it filled with Carmel Peace.🤗

The Carmel Bell

Shattered and teary-eyed,

When I decided to move on in life,

Did the Carmel bell ring somewhere?

Twenty-three years before when I said "I do",

Did the angel gladly sing somewhere?

The hour when I was made the Lord's child, 

Did the Carmel bell ring somewhere?

When the child was rejected by the world, 

Did the angel sadly sing somewhere?

When I embraced you Lord that September evening, 

Did the Carmel bell ring somewhere?

When I repented and turned back to you, 

Did the angel gladly sing somewhere?

I am sure it did, 

As I hear Carmel's bell everywhere.

O how I love Carmel with all its beauty, 

I was demented to not have responded, 

To the resplendence of an aspect so dear!

Cloistered Carmel, Mangalore

On this International Women's Day, I would like to write about some wonderful women who make this beautiful world all the more beautiful with their unceasing prayers. The beauty of these beautiful women is that they make the world beautiful through their prayers by being on the other side of the world - known as cloistered Carmelite nuns, they have taken a vow of encasement to be inside the four walls of the convent/monastery to lead a life of silence and contemplation. They unceasingly pray for us who have been struggling on this side of the world.

And no, they are not the locked-up grumpy sisters you expect them to be! On the contrary, they have the most cheerful disposition and always greet you with an unfaltering smile - they are sure to brighten up your gloominess with their bright smiles.

There are more than a thousand Cloistered Carmels in the world and around 12000 sisters. In India, there are 34 Carmels with around 600 sisters. 

It has been my privilege to meet them from different convents. I have met the sisters in Mumbai three times, the ones in Bangalore for one time and the ones, to whom I dedicate this post, one time in Mangalore. I love them all with equal fervor. They enchant you with their charming disposition. There are around 15 sisters at the Sacred Heart Monastery in Kankanady, Mangalore, which is just opposite Dr. Muller's hospital. This is the first convent that was founded in India by St. Miriam Bouardy. As she was instrumental in founding this convent it preserves her relics like the bed she slept on and the rosary she prayed with. Like the other cloistered convents around the world, it too has a beautiful garden where grapes and dragon fruits are grown painstakingly. 

The Founder and Mother of these convents St. Tesera of Avila did not want her nuns to be dependent on anyone and thus different convents have different vocations. Some are into beekeeping and embroidery, some into making candles and pickles, and some into baking hosts. The sisters in Mangalore make vestments for the priests. 

The 15 of them - right from the approximate age of 30 to 94, have a set routine for themselves. They wake up early at 4:30 am to start their day with prayers, daily Eucharist, and meditation. They have set timetables for everything - to pray, to eat, to sleep, and even for recreation. 

Thus for their recreation, they even go on a picnic! On the day of the picnic, they fill their hampers with all their eatables to sit under the trees of their lovely garden and enjoy a day in the open! 

Though they have left the world to be in the solitude and silence of the convent with their Heavenly Spouse, they do not miss it by any means. They are happy to help the outsiders like us with their precious prayers. And I feel truly blessed to have been asked to write about them - I pray that they increase in number and that the world becomes even more beautiful through their prayers!

1993 to 1999

If today we completed 20 years of living in Mira Road, then in June 2023 we complete 30 years of living in Mumbai. We shifted from Durgapur, West Bengal, to Vasai in June 1993. And life in Vasai from June 1993 to December 1999 till the time I got married wasn't at all a pleasant one - thanks to my dad who was becoming an aggressive drunkard.

Those years in Vasai were extremely painful. My dad had stopped working and whenever my dad became aggressive, I would run to the terrace to escape from him. The building had only two floors and we were on the second floor. So running to the terrace would be convenient and safe as the door was always open. Be it rainy or sunny, I found solace in the terrace. There was a nook big enough for me next to the water tank and I perched myself there. Sometimes with Motu and Teddu and sometimes alone.

I spoke with Teddu about the Unseen Unknown Prince Charming but never wrote in Motu about him. What if someone had to read it? So I would sit there for hours and hours fantasizing about how he would come to save his damsel in distress. It was my favorite pastime till I started working. Then I slowly stopped interacting with both Motu and Teddu. I outgrew them. Now I spoke with him directly - heart-to-heart conversations - just the way I do now with Jesus. 

Today a new enlightenment came to me - did I always unknowingly converse with Jesus? Otherwise, why did I find my Peace in Carmel and not in the world? Why did I witness this Unknown Unseen Peace last year on this day and then again in Bangalore in May? Why does it feel so familiar in Carmel? What is the connection? What am I missing? Has it always been Jesus? 

7 March

7 March is yet another memorable day of my life. 

It was on this day in 2003 that we shifted to a house of our own at Mira Road. So today we complete 20 years of living at Mira Road. 

Last year, today is the day that I first witnessed my Carmel Peace. Though I didn't realize and couldn't recognize it immediately, it made me feel that I had witnessed and known it before. Though I kept wondering about this feeling and wondered more and more throughout the week, I still could not fully decipher it. It was so puzzlingly familiar. But instinctively I  knew that I had seen and known this Peace even though I was seeing it for the first time in my life. There was something so familiar about it.

That's why I would like to write about what I was going through when I met hubby to be on 4 March 1999. As I wrote in my post, I wasn't at all interested in him on that day. I was at the lowest point in my life as I was still reeling under the pain of the one-sided heartbreak in November 1998 and joblessness since January 1999. I was broke - mentally and financially - and so did not want to invite any more unnecessary hassles into my life. So I tried to maintain a distance. 

I managed to do so till mid-June of that year. Then I got a decent job in an upcoming dotcom wherein I had to provide content on movies and music. I took up the job gladly because I needed it and as my life had always been influenced by movies and music. 

Then one day I contacted my hubby-to-be for content. He said he was ready to share the content but as he had a lot to share, I had to meet him. So I agreed to meet him. And as they say, the rest is history - we met, he proposed and I could not say no - I suppose because I was tired of life - tired of running my life single-handedly - without any hopes of meeting my South Indian Prince Charming anywhere - tired of my insecurities - and extremely scared of my future! 

And so I decided to move on in my life without the love of the one I loved the most - that unknown unseen Prince Charming who was taking an eternity to make himself known and seen to me. 

Thus it was on 19 June 1999 that I decided to move on without him - I kept moving on with my shattered dreams and kept making blunders for the next 23 years.......I hoped and thought that I had forgotten all about him.......

So to digress from this topic, it is my blog's birthday 🎉 today. I have not called it by any particular name but sometimes I have addressed it as Motu - so happy birthday Motu II. I made you on 7 March 2010 and started blogging the next day - so you are 13 years old today - you have entered your teens!🤭 We had newly shifted to Durgapur when I turned 13 - what a torturous 13 it was with those feelings of ugliness even though I managed to purchase a denim skirt and red top wear and red heels - but I still could not shake off the feeling of looking a weird 13-year-old.🙃

Mangalore Didn't Exist😬

At that point in my life, I did not even know about the existence of a place called Mangalore!😬 I have always been amazed at the fact that till my active participation in the church, from the last decade or so, I didn't even know that there was a place in Karnataka by the name of Mangalore. 

In my childhood holidays, I went to places like Bangalore and Mysore in Karnataka, but I didn't know about Mangalore. I had never heard of this place. Also while in Goa, I did not know that I was so close to a place with which I will fall in love at the fag end of my life.🤭 I knew about the language Konkani and always thought that only the Goans spoke Konkani. Well, that's what I studied in geography. All my expeditions with the Atlas never took me to Mangalore.🤭

So it was only in the last ten years or so that I came to know about Mangalore and the Mangalorean Catholics. And how the Catholics differentiated between the two! But honestly speaking, even to me, now the Mangalorean Konkani is more soothing to the ears than the Goan version!😍

So if I did not know about the existence of Mangalore, how could I know that they could also be considered south Indians? After all, it's in Karnataka and Karnataka is in the south of India and the official language is Kannada. But I was ignorant of this fact and missed them out as South Indians. 

For me, a Malayali was typical south Indian and thus I learned certain words and phrases in Malayali to express my love for my Prince Charming!😄 As written earlier I hated Bengalis and never wanted to marry them. All I had in mind was a Malayali as my Prince Charming with whom I would eat idlis and dosas all the days of my life.😄This was the sole desire of the heart.🤭❤️🤭

Since my little geographical knowledge did not know of the existence of Mangalore, I also did not know that even Mangaloreans eat idlis and dosas - sannas and neer dosas - and various other similar south Indiana dishes. 

When I loved the kasavu and wore them during the OCDS Novem Jevonn, did my heart not feel sentimental in that traditional saree? When I loved to eat vorn did I not feel good? I never knew that I would be so sentimental about Mangalore and everything Mangalorean.🤗

Just the way I was about Bhilai and Durgapur!

Did I miss out on something beautiful? Oh yes, as always, a loser in the matter of the heart!

4 March 1999

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today is the day, 24 years ago, that I landed in hubby's office after a long struggle with the local train strike that was called that day due to the water shortage. Under normal circumstances, I would have cancelled this appointment but I was jobless at that time. This one freelance appointment meant one assignment of money and I just couldn't afford to lose it. So I made sure to complete this assignment.

Thus, frustrated with the happenings of the day, I landed at hubby's office in the evening and I did not like it at all when he tried to be over-friendly with me. The fact is that I did not like him at all.😬 I was 22, jobless, and frustrated by being rejected again by someone a few months back.😥 And so, I was not at all interested in those over-friendly gestures made by to-be-hubby. I just kept ignoring him and his overtures!😕

So when he gave me his business card to keep in touch with him, I very happily and conveniently forgot about it for almost the next two and a half months until I got a job and had to build my contacts for content.😜 It was then that I thought of contacting him.😜

But you know everything, Lord. You need not be told all this but I am writing to you to make me feel good. It was you who planned everything so that we both could love each other - I could love you the way you always loved me.🤗 You wanted me to love myself because you were seeing me struggle with my life without the support of my family. You felt pity for me because the years 1996 to 1999 were some of the most difficult years of my life. I was struggling alone and making a lot of mistakes in my quest for Prince Charming who was nowhere in sight. In vain was I searching for him in all the wrong places without knowing his exact location. I searched for him in all the wrong places. 

So you called me to you to show me the correct location - like the GPS you wanted to take me to the exact location of my happiness and Peace - and then you showed me my Peace in Carmel after many many years of struggle. You made me realize that my true happiness and Peace were already in Carmel - I didn't have to look anywhere else - Carmel was the final destination of my life - my Peace was always in Carmel and so I didn't have to look at the wrong places anymore for the wrong Peace and happiness.☺️ 

First Friday of the Month

Dear DLL Jesus,

I know Lord you don't judge us or bless us by what we eat or don't eat, but by the intentions of our hearts! Nevertheless, the heart has the intention to keep the First Friday of the Month Fast, as per the OCDS statutes, and this is what I ate just now - zucchini, cherry tomatoes and green peas sauteed in salt and pepper!🤭

And about the intention of the heart I already made known to you Lord in the morning! So may the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my DLL and Beloved Heavenly Spouse!💖

There's another thing that I want to write to you about after going through today's memories on Facebook. It is about JC's Tutorials that I launched in January 2021. I struggled so much for it to survive but it just died down. Perhaps it was not the plan you had for me. I struggled for exactly two months and then you gave me the idea of starting Nainen - the woman. And I have seen your blessings on NAINEN right from day one. Every time I am tempted to close it, you create a miracle and I keep going on with it. It will be completing two years in May.🤗 Thank you so much, Lord! Again nothing but gratitude!🙏

Contemplative Walks

Dear DLL Jesus,

These are the verses from the responsorial psalm that have touched my heart today since the time I heard it during the Mass. Then the opening lines of the communion hymn were also these so they managed to touch me all the more. Thus while walking back home from the church I was humming these verses and contemplating them. My contemplative prayer to you made me realize that in vain am I praying for this friendship. It made me realize that if it was such a worldly friendship that was required, no one would have left the pleasures of the world to seek friendship with you. It is your friendship that is of utmost importance and so I should not yearn for any other kind of friendship. I contemplated that I too should learn how to give up the pleasures of the world and seek only your friendship. I should not be a hindrance to your little ones in their friendship with you. Thus I prayed to be kept away from these little ones and these little ones from me as I am also a little one of yours. So Lord please help this little one of yours to be away from the snares of the world and seek refuge and friendship only with you. When I asked how to do this, you made me realize that with prayer everything is possible. So Lord, with a determined determination like St. Teresa of Avila, on this first Friday of the month and Friday of Lent, let me be your faithful friend. My today's intention is not to be a hindrance to any of your little ones no matter who they are - let me not be the cause of anyone's hindrance. I pray that I too can stay away from all hindrances and pray unceasingly for all the little ones to not falter in their friendship with you. Let us all empty ourselves and live in nothingness like our Father St. John of the Cross. 

My walks back home are turning out to be contemplative ones wherein I am reflecting on the verses and humming the hymns I hear during the Mass. No wonder then there is Great Silence in Carmel from the Compline till breakfast when one is urged to be quiet. Even at Ryshivana, we were asked to be quiet during breakfast and speak only to the Lord. How wonderful are these primitive rules, Lord! The silence in the heart works wonders for the soul - indeed how refreshing! How carefully all these rules have been written and are adhered to.

Today I completed one week of saying the Lauds in the church and then attending the Mass after that. It feels heavenly as I see the long-cherished desire of my heart getting fulfilled each day.😇 Thank you so much my darling Jesus!😍 Nothing but gratitude!🙏

My Diamond 💎

Dear DLL Jesus,

In the loving memory of Motu, I did a lot of constructive work today - for both the magazines - Jewellers Gallery as well as Nainen - the woman. The March edition of NAINEN  is ready except for the table of content - I managed to get 46 pages for this edition even though I had given up hope and stopped chasing content. So this is nothing but a sheer miracle by you to carry on with my magazine. I can't thank you enough, my Lord.

I hope you create a miracle in my heart also so that it forgets about the debacle of the past 9 months - how I wish to go through a memory loss to live a cheerful life. Will my life be the same again? On the contrary, I think I don't want it to be that way because something eviler could befall me. So I thank you for my present state of mind and heart - thank you for what I am going through as I don't want to fall into anything unknown and ruin myself. 

After all, have I not made enough mistakes in my life? I don't want to make the same mistakes and go through the same stupidities again. This is the best - my quest for the best - my promised land - is here. I am in my promised land and so, let me enjoy the beauty of my promised land and not wander off in the dark wilderness all over again. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you, my Lord and my God - you saved the best for the last!🤗 If you had to show me the best in the beginning I am sure to have rejected it for worldly charm and warmth - after all, was I not influenced by the glitter of Bollywood? Always comparing. Now I know why you did not show me my promised land then - I would have rejected the rustic simplicity - I could not recognize the beauty of the uncut rough natural diamond amid the false glitter of the polished conflict diamonds! I needed a new perspective in life to appreciate the magnificence of the diamond. And I fully appreciate it now!!!🤗 And I thank you for my beautiful diamond💎 - the peace of my heart ❤️

That Evening.......

Dear DLL Jesus,

It was most probably in September 2011 that I finally called you in despair and you answered me and increased the strength of my soul. Yes Lord, even though unfortunately, I don't remember the exact date of that day, I do remember very well that it was a September evening in 2011. I had just returned from work and I was sitting in despair in the master bedroom. I looked at your crucifix that we had then above the library and I cried a lot. While crying I was murmuring the words, "I can't take it anymore." I kept crying and murmuring those words. 

I am sure that I had finally responded to your call. I was given the strength to carry on and I have kept responding to you since then. And when I heard these verses in the morning I was reminded of that evening in September 2011. 

To digress from this, Facebook memories are telling me that Motu's birthday is today and not on 2 August. This means that I wrote wrong in my blog post of 2 August. How could I make such a big mistake? But Facebook is correct because Motu was a Pisces ♓ a water sign like me. Now I remember well. I think that 2 August was the birthday of my second diary that I made most probably in 1997. Not too sure about this too. 

I don't know what is wrong with my memory - why can't I remember at least the birthdays of my diaries?😥 The second diary's name was NICEY. But I hardly wrote in that because I could not connect with it the way I had connected with MOTU. I loved Motu more than Nicey. Teddu🧸was still around. Now all three are missing and I miss them a lot. I have lost all that was close to my heart - somehow could not preserve them.😥 Even my Peace, my Prince Charming - never found him at the right time even after searching so much - I consoled myself by thinking that he was never been born!🐻😥

To come back to where I started, I give thanks to you Lord for the merciful love and faithfulness that you have shown to me since that evening in September 2011. 

And a very happy birthday to my Motu - how I wish I at least had an image of him.😥 That's the disadvantage of the 1990s - I have a lot of memories but no photographs.😥

International Media Partnership

Dear DLL Jesus,

It was only one day ago that I wrote to you that I will be closing my magazine because of a lack of content and enthusiasm, and today I got an international media partnership for a beauty pageant!😇🙏😇

Every time I am demotivated and decide to close down, you create a miracle, Lord! I am so very convinced that you don't want me to give up! So I will not give up, Lord! I will carry on with my magazine Nainen - the woman because you want me to. I will go ahead with your plans for it and not my human plans.

The show will go on!!!🙏🤗🙏

Thank you my darling Heavenly Spouse!♥️

I ❤️ my Temptation

"The theme of embracing our weakness so that we may depend totally on God is one that is typically Carmelite."

And so my dear DLL Jesus, my Heavenly Spouse, I would like to embrace my Weakness, my biggest temptation, so that I may totally depend on you, my Lord and my God. I wrote the above in 2020 and today when I am reminded about it again, I would like to do this because I have grown more in my understanding of the Carmelite way of life in the past three years.😇

Today is the first Sunday of Lent and the gospel tells us about the three temptations of Jesus. In fact, when I woke up in the morning, I woke up with the words that told me that these distances are to keep the temptations at bay. There is an equal amount of fervour at both ends and that's why this distance - to keep away all unnecessary hassles. 

So during the consecration in the Holy Mass, Lord, I asked for strength from you - so that we can keep control of our temptations. But I prayed that my temptation is not taken away from me as I want to make it my strength to totally depend on you, Lord! Let my temptation increase so that no new temptation comes my way. I thanked you for my temptation just as the great saints thanked you for their afflictions. Now I understand why they did that - they wanted to be dependent on you - I too want to be totally dependent on you!

I thank you for my temptation and pray for my temptation to remain with me. I pray for it to keep increasing with each passing moment so that my temptation is all I have to keep growing in my love for you. I love my temptation - I want it forever remain in my heart!

I ❤️ Mangalore

Today when I went through my Facebook memories, it reminded me of the days in 2020 when I used to sleep in instalments as I went for 6:15 am Holy Mass. I would sleep as I had nothing to do after Googaa went to college, Goldie went to school and Dodo went to his office. I would sleep because I did not have any professional commitments. 

I would sleep and dream and write about those dreams. I did that today also. I slept🤗 and while sleeping thought of this dream I had seen on this same day in 2020. In my dreams, I always see beautiful houses. I still love houses and when I was thinking about this dream, the houses of Mangalore started floating in my eyes. Houses like Raj Nivas are so beautiful. I realized how much I love Mangalore. I find Goa very boring but I love Mangalore. I am quite sentimental about Mangalore now the way I was sentimental about Bhilai and Durgapur. I am not sentimental about these two places anymore. I was never sentimental about Vasai. But somehow so very sentimental about Mangalore for obvious reasons. A piece of Carmel Peace!♥️

Married to my Bestie🤗♥️🤗

For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name.......(Isaiah 54:5)

Thank you so much, Lord! Yes, you are my Heavenly Spouse.🥰 I am your bride 💞 I am married to my bestie, my best friend, and there cannot be anything as beautiful and as amazing as this!!!🤗 

Thanks for that voice last night - I see you from a different aspect now.😍 Thank you so much for putting all my doubts on the back burner. But one thing is for sure - I will not read the books of women saints as their writings always manage to awaken doubts about my love for you. It happened in 2018 also and that's why I had stopped reading books written by and written about women saints. They always address you as their Spouse. "Oh, My spouse" and all that.😬 

So I will stop again as I can't bear this.😥 I am jealous and thus I will stick to reading St. John of the Cross and a few other special books that are written by some special people close to my heart.💖

Not again - I am done with women saints!!!🙃

PS: As I have already finished reading the 'special part' of the book, and am not sure when the second book will be published, I will go back to reading CARMEL AND BIBLE. It has to be completed before I take up a new one. 

I am that Sinner

Thank you my dear DLL Jesus for coming to call this sinner!🙏😥🙏 Because last night when I went to sleep happily after reading and writing eight chapters of the book SOS, something whispered to me that I am just a wildflower that is pushing itself in vain through the recesses of Carmel.😥 It said that there are no recesses in Carmel and I can't get inside without the watchful eyes of the Gardener. The Gardener will not allow such a wildflower to grow amidst the other beautiful flowers. The voice told me that I should not compete with them as they are of the highest order and I am of the third order. So I should remember my place and not thrive to be where I don't belong. I cried a lot when it said that I am just an ordinary friend of yours and the Little Flower is the spouse. There can be no comparison between a friend and a spouse as there can be many friends but only one spouse. I cried bitterly when I heard this. I am again crying while writing this.😥 The voice managed to plant the seeds of doubt in my head but I knew who it was. I felt like Eve alone in the garden of Eden. I realized that just because I am trying to be good by reading the inspirational life of the Little Flower such doubts are been planted in my head and heart. I cried for almost four hours before falling asleep. 

I thought I will not be able to wake up early to go to church. But you made it possible for me. Thank you so much, Lord! So when I reached for the Lauds in a sombre state of mind, you gave me your words of love and assurance in the Canticle taken from Ezekiel 36: 24 - 28. 

I will take you away from among the nations, gather you from all the lands, and bring you back to your own soil.

I will sprinkle clean water over you to make you clean; from all your impurities and from all your idols I will cleanse you.

I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.

I will put my spirit within you so that you walk in my statutes, observe my ordinances, and keep them.

You will live in the land I gave to your ancestors; you will be my people, and I will be your God.

Immediately I got my answer and all my doubts vanished. I was assured of your love for me.😥 Then you doubled your love and assurance through the words in the Gospel according to St. Luke 5: 32 (image attached). I was in tears and thanked you for your words of love.💕 

So what if I am not your spouse, I will always love you as my friend. I need you because you have come to call me, the sinner. When I was living a life of darkness it was you who called me to your everlasting light. You always knew me right from my mother's womb. I did not know you but you always knew me. Thank you for knowing me and calling me. I am privileged to be on your friend list. I will forever be grateful for your friendship. So what if I can not be your spouse? 

But wait a minute, are you not my heavenly spouse? I am sure you are. I will do some concrete research on this and come back soon.🤗 Meanwhile I will not read SOS anymore before I get solid proof of being your spouse.🤗

Chapter 8

In this chapter, I would just like to copy the quotes from the book - the quotes which I feel have been written for me:

1) I believe quite simply that it is Jesus himself, hidden in my poor heart, Who is mysteriously at work inspiring me from hour to hour with whatever He wishes me to do.

2) I had the unspeakable joy of receiving Holy Communion every day. It was indeed a sweet grace.

3) I had not sought this favour, but it brought me untold happiness to be united day after day to Him Whom my soul loved. 

4) He has shown the same mercy to me as to King Solomon. All my desires have been satisfied.......

5) .......drew my soul more closely to Him and made me see that He alone is unchangeable, that He alone can fill the vast abyss of my desires. 

6) .......in the least things, as in the greatest, God gives a hundredfold, even in this world, to those who have left all things for the love of Him.

7) always guiding and inspiring me.

8) .......He takes into account our weaknesses and knows so well the frailty of our nature.

9) at every moment God's merciful love renews and purifies me, cleansing my soul from all traces of sin. 

And my most favourite one:

10) He would not inspire me with the desires I feel, were He not willing to fulfil them.

What an inspiration to keep desiring!!!

Like the Little Flower, this Little Rebel or the Little Wild Flower, too has received much spiritual light through the works of St. John of the Cross. Like her, all other spiritual authors have left me cold. "However beautiful and touching a book may be, my heart does not respond and I read without understanding, or if I understand I cannot meditate".

For this Little Wild Flower too, "the Holy Scriptures are of the greatest assistance". She too "finds in them a hidden manna, pure and genuine. It is from the Gospels however that I derive most help in the time of prayer; I find in their pages all that my poor soul needs, and I am always discovering there new lights and hidden mysterious meanings".

To conclude:

"How sweet is the way of Love! True, one may fall and be unfaithful to grace, but Love knows how to draw profit from everything, and quickly consumes whatever may be displeasing to our Lord, leaving in the heart only a deep and humble peace".

Chapter 7 - Carmel At Last

Carmel at last 

Thursday, December 3, 2015, was the day chosen for me to enter Carmel. I have written about this in more than one post in the last few years.

Like the Little Flower, even in my case "our Lord Himself has always worked as my spiritual guide. It is only two months now that I have officially taken Fr. Nitesh as my spiritual guide. I don't know for how long he will be my guide as the XV Provincial Chapter is to take place this year. 

One thing that I have learned as a lay Carmelite is that "Jesus does not disclose everything at once to souls, but as a rule gives His light little by little". There are so many things that he has disclosed to me during my conversations with him and then there are so many questions that still remain unanswered. He has disrupted so many of my plans at the last moment for his plans to succeed. He has dealt with me patiently. He has taught me a lot of lessons and humbled me to keep me grounded in his love. He has taught me that it is his love I need the most in my life as a Carmelite and no matter how much I love the idea of being on the other side of the Cloistered convent, my responsibility to my family is my vocation. I can love him dearly from anywhere in the world. The Lord has taught me humility through my superiors. 

Though the Little Flower wrote these lines upon entering Carmel, for me it is how I feel now: 

"my soul is filled with so deep a peace that it baffles all attempts at description".

Chapter 6

In this chapter, the Little Flower writes about her pilgrimage to Rome. Well, it is yet another desire of my heart to go on a pilgrimage to the holy land but I don't know when and how it will be fulfilled as it is expensive. 

But in this chapter of my life, I would like to write about my two visits to the Infant Jesus shrine in Mangalore - one in October 2022 and the second in February 2023. I have already written at length about my feelings on my first visit. There are certain expressions that I would like to quote from the chapter though. Like "I can never tell you what I felt at the shrine" and "I was filled with happiness and peace". This is what happened to me as well - I was overwhelmed and can never explain how I feel at the Infant Jesus shrine. I am mesmerized!

When she writes "emotion overwhelmed me when I realized that I was indeed beneath the very roof......" I can feel the same. This is what happened to me at the shrine - I had always seen the shrine in the photos and on YouTube and when I found myself standing under the roof of the shrine, my heart was overwhelmed. I couldn't believe that I was on the holy premises of the shrine. I clicked photos for memory's sake and drank into the beauty of the shrine. "I was gazing at the same walls" and "was treading the ground" which I always saw on YouTube. 

Also my one-week stay at Ryshivana. "What good all those marvellous beauties of nature did to my soul, lifting to God". 

"How sweet are all these memories!"

"How can I describe the feelings which thrilled me as I gazed on the Coliseum?" For me the Infant Jesus shrine and the glass chapel at Ryshivana.

"At last, my eyes beheld......."

Another thing I would like to write from this chapter is the reverence she had for the holy priests. "Despite the sublime dignity of the Priesthood which raises them above the angels, they still remain men and subject to human frailty". This I understood way back in 2018 when I was deeply planted in the soil of Carmel as a secular Carmelite. Thus I keep them in holy reverence and distance myself from people who have anything negative to say about them. As the President of St. Elizabeth of the Trinity community, I will be praying for the entire Carmelite Order during the Lenten season. Like her, I say "how beautiful is our vocation". 

"We Carmelites are called upon to preserve 'the salt of the earth to offer our prayers and sacrifices for the apostles of the Lord, to be their apostles".

I conclude this chapter by writing what the Little Flower writes: "Have we not a noble mission to fulfil? But I must say no more on this subject, or my pen would run on for ever".

Chapter 5

Chapter 5 tells us about the vocation of Therese. 

Here I would like to write about how I too "had a constant and ardent desire to advance in virtue" from 2010 onwards. Like the Little Flower, "I (too) received the priceless grace of my complete conversion". Though I did not pray for criminal Pranzini, I was no longer the same - Jesus was transforming me. Like the Little Flower, it was "the most beautiful" phase of my life - "the most filled with heavenly favours". 

My heart was "kindled with new fires of zeal" and I started involving myself in the church. To begin with, I became the animator of my cluster in 2010 itself. This continued till the desire to be a Sunday school catechist crept into my heart in 2012. On the last day of the Bible studies when I was given my certificate, I expressed to my parish priest the desire to be a catechist. So when the new academic year began in June 2012, I was made a catechist for the Confirmation candidates. I was overwhelmed but took it up obediently. Then in November of the same year, I became an Extraordinary Minister of the Holy Communion because of one ailing uncle in my cluster who could not attend church. I started to get him homebound communion. 

Though I taught the Confirmation students for three years honestly it was a little difficult for me. So when in 2014 I was allowed to teach Std VII, I happily took it up. Since then I have been teaching Std VII and I continue to be an EMHC. I have given up being an animator because I am unable to handle people. 

So to be a catechist, like the Little Flower, I "developed a passionate desire for learning". Like her "not satisfied with the lessons of my mistresses", I took up to know more about everything. And "in a few months learned more than I had done in my whole" RCIA classes. "I yearned to love Jesus passionately" and "in those moments many precious graces were bestowed upon me". But "I had to pass through many a trial" to "sit down under His shadow whom I desired". These trials continue today as well as the Lord keeps testing my love for him. Every day I am faced with his pruning hook. Every day I fail him and every day I apologize for my failure. But as always the Lord continues to be patient with this sinner of His.

In this chapter, the Little Flower writes about her desire to enter Carmel at the age of fourteen and a half. When I was fourteen and a half I did not even know about Jesus leave knowing about Carmel. I first heard of Carmel in 2013 at the age of say 36. At the age when she desired to enter Carmel I lived in a place called Durgapur in West Bengal and played with my pink and white teddy bear which I had bought in 1990. She desired to enter Carmel and I desired to play with my Teddu and get married to my Prince Charming and have a daughter. The idea of marriage and a family always overshadowed all the fascinations of my life. I fantasized about getting married and having a beautiful family. It was the topmost desire. A home and a hearth of my own were all that I desired the most.

So when hubby said I want to marry a girl like you, I could not resist him. He reminded me of that home and that hearth of my own. 

That's why when my father refused to give his consent for the marriage, the Little Rebel revolted. If the Little Flower faced hindrances to entering Carmel, the Little Rebel faced hindrances to entering matrimony. My father refused to sign the marriage affidavit wherein it was written that I would convert to Christianity. He was against this and so I removed that point itself from the affidavit. It was then that he signed. And the moment he signed my marriage affidavit I scrambled as fast as I could to hand it over to hubby who in turn gave it to the lawyer. 

Like the Little Flower, I remember meeting the Bishop at the Bishop's house in Colaba where we were summoned for an interview before our marriage.