All things FIRST

I am bit nostalgic today and feel like remembering all first things (and possibly the good things) of my life though I will not be able to name them sometimes for security reasons.

My first friend from school days: Shweta Dey (don’t know the whereabouts)
My first favorite teacher: Mrs. Sharma (class teacher, I B – used to tell my mom that I was the most talkative)
My first crush (school days): NB (only the initials)
My first crush (college days): RS (only the initials)
My first diamond: A pair of Tanishq earrings (June 2008)
My first salary amount: Rs 500/- (March 1996)
My first pair of jeans: Cambridge (yuck!!!)
My first purchase: Light grey half jacket bought for Rs 50/- from Andheri west (near the station)
My first discotheque experience: 12th July, 1998….a day after my 22nd birthday (Sunday afternoon at Madness)
My first admirer: MJ (only the initials) hey a sweet realization! He was MJ and I was JM at that time! My friend’s elder brother! This is the art of being happy….

A damsel in distress….

Though I am not a ‘damsel’ as such, I want to read this Classic piece by P G Wodehouse. In fact, Wodehouse himself cannot be considered a Classics writer – he was alive until 1975. Nevertheless, I feel like reading this book as the title suits me fine. I start reading the e-book today.

I have been gambling with various books since the time I finished reading THE WOMAN IN WHITE. I guess I tried reading at least three different books since then but nothing keeps me engrossed. I get bored. I hope this DAMSEL IN DISTRESS will be able to keep me interested in her.

Since morning I am in an unusually cheerful disposition. I prayed well and then started listening to Archana Jani’s show on Oye 104.8 FM. Music really does wonders for me. It soothes all my aches and pains. Then I read that “All great achievements require time” while coming to office.

When I called up my Golu to inform him that I have reached office, he said that he can see my FB profile picture while receiving my call on his Blackberry. I laughed aloud when he asked to change my picture as he wants to see my full face every time I call him. He said something happened to him when I laughed aloud and he urged me to laugh in a similar fashion more often. I was touched by this statement. So I am going to keep a nice profile picture now.

PS: I went online (big screen) FB after so long. I changed my profile picture but was astonished to find someone showing as ‘people you may know’ though we have no common friends.

Friday appraisals, Saturday Esselworld,

…Sunday Navi Mumbai…and Monday, winner of ‘Filmi Raftaar’ on Oye 104.8 FM……I am feeling on top of the world………nice and better………each passing day…………………

Down to 236 friends…..

But then also I know it’s too much…! I just don’t know whom to ‘unfriend’. Most of them are my school friends, Bong and Catholic relatives, some good ex-colleagues, some personal friends and acquaintances, some big shots from the jewellery industry, PR professionals and some contacts which I have made over the period of time. I guess I will ‘unfriend’ some boring colleagues and then some people from the ‘apex body’. They should be on my second hit list. Ironically, there are none from my college. Sadly, I don’t remember anyone from my college days (was I too busy juggling between my studies and part-time job)? Looks like it.

I have started it…..

I have started ‘unfriending’ some of the most unwanted and loathsome friends on FACEBOOK. Some, so-called friends, who don’t make any difference in my life!

I believe that there are too many unnecessary friends on FB right now. I don’t need so many to pamper my ego. I want to be choosy as I can be as well happy without them. I will keep ‘unfriending’ them slowly and steadily. I cannot apply ‘zor ka jhatka’…it will become too obvious…..dheere dheere….pyar se….!!!

I feel that my latest FB profile pic is the apt one…I am indeed lonely in the shore of life…some waves have touched my heart and receded…some want to touch me but I won’t allow…my profile pic (showing my back to the world) portrays that I care a damn for this world. I am the world……and I only need few adored, petted and cherished people in this world of mine…………

Calm and composed

By degrees I am returning to my accustomed way of life. I am no longer mournfully absorbed over the ruins of my broken ‘cup’. Actually, faces sometimes tell truth and what I saw and beheld exactly a week ago, have helped me burst into a new life and a new set of thoughts. I am no longer in a restless frame of mind.

The ‘woman in white’ in me is gone.......gone forever! I no longer feel tired and out of spirits. I no longer dread thinking “What shall I see in my dreams tonight?” Last fortnight has done much good to me – I sleep peacefully and rouse refreshed. I am glad that the pang has passed, and though nothing but the dull numbing pain of it has still remained, I am sure I’ll be able to get over this soon.

I am quite sure now that I had highly-overrated this entire episode of my life and living in pain for no apparent reason. This absolutely unnecessary pain had started reflecting on my face – now my face as well as me – are perfectly calm and composed. My face doesn’t show any traits of fatigue. My head no longer whirls and I am not jaded in body and mind. My mind isn’t flighty and my eyes aren’t inattentive anymore…like earlier!

I am my own self now – the peaceful, fast-flowing, happy times, are back…for me! My music and books have been my refuge – from MYSELF.....I sincerely pray that those days may never return. My way of life is very different from the rest of the world. I don’t want anxiety to unsettle my world.

I don’t want my tomorrows to be cruel to me and for this; I want to say good-bye to the bad world forever. I want to be happy in my own world and I guess a change of scene or may be a change of occupation may really be the salvation for me at this so-called crisis in my life. I want to always keep on doing something so that I don’t have to think – that is all I ask now. On weekends, I will occupy myself wholeheartedly to the cleaning and dusting of the house - bedroom, toilet, and kitchen – I’ll make them as clean as new.

From last night I again started bedtime reading with my daughters. I don’t remember when exactly I had stopped bedtime reading with them – they were feeling so happy when I was reading aloud to them – honestly, even I was feeling so nice!

Patience and more patience is all I want. But as per a beautiful line in THE WOMAN IN WHITE, “where is the faultless human creature that can persevere in a good resolution, without sometimes failing and falling back?” The weakling that I am, I will no longer act on impulses which even I cannot explain to myself. There will surely be a change in me. I have to maintain my degrading self-control as I cannot walk upon egg-shells anymore! Never again will I allow anybody to wound me in my sentiments any more. I will have to remember my resolution to control myself.

I hope Satan won’t throw too many obstacles in my way! I feel like going on a self-imposed exile again and when I come back this time, I hope, pray, believe that I should come back a changed woman. I don’t mind running some risk of being forgotten altogether.....

The Woman in White

What a great loss! Just now I read the last word of this e book written by Wilkie Collins. I had started reading THE WOMAN IN WHITE on 7th April. The beautiful story of Laura Fairlie and her drawing teacher, Walter Hartright, had kept me engrossed in my office for so many days. Oh, what will I do from tomorrow? It is so difficult to search for the right kind of book. I am thinking of giving, MOTHER, by Maxim Gorky, a try. I hope I will like it. If not, I will try reading CRICKET ON THE HEARTH by Charles Dickens.

Last night, I started reading THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL. This is the second time I am reading this book and I had thoroughly enjoyed reading it for the first time. I hope it will keep me beguiled this time as well.

To read in the train, I have my (THE) COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO (this too I am reading for the second time). Actually, the thing is, presently I am playing safe with books. I don’t want to gamble on books I am unsure of as right now my mental faculty cannot take in anything new. I am feeling comfy in all things old and let this be for some time. Though there are a lot of new unread books in my little library, I just don’t want my mind to loiter unnecessarily anywhere. I am feeling a bit apprehensive to leave my comfort zone.

Orange birthday

This weekend was not the ‘weak end’ of my life because I had started preparing myself mentally for the battle over the weekend by Friday evening itself. On Friday, I finished reading ‘The God of Small Things’ and took up ‘The Count of Monte Cristo’. I didn’t want my heart to start thinking too much. These two books mean the world to me and I don’t mind reading them again and again and again to control my jumpy nerves.

On Saturday, I suggested a surprise picnic for the kids. So we went to Sanjay Gandhi national park. This trip did me a whole lot of good and here I am today on a Monday morning in an absolutely cheerful disposition. On Saturday evening, I bought an orange corduroy trouser for myself. And dear blog, you know what? It’s much more beautiful than the purple one also. So I am really in a quandary. I guess the color for my birthday will be ‘orange’ this year because I have already bought an orange wrap-around short skirt for myself (dinner wear) and now this orange corduroy trouser. I am afraid I will be wearing the purple corduroy trouser on 19th June and not on my birthday on 11th July. This Saturday happened to be indeed an ‘orange’ one – in the night I ended up watching RANG DE BASANTI – my most favorite Aamir Khan movie and in case I haven’t shared with you before, orange happens to be my most favorite fruit.

I spent my entire Sunday on bed with ‘The Count of Monte Cristo’……Hmmm, he’s so incredibly nice…Sorry darling for being so cheeky!!!

Why him?

One question which my father asked me while getting married to my Golu was “Why him?” Till date, though people don’t say it aloud, wonder “Why him?”

It’s HIM because he’s the most wonderful person on this earth. I know he’s not the best looking, but what I can blindly vouch for is that he has the best loving heart. He has a wonderful, best looking, best loving heart – all for me!

It’s HIM because I can trust him till the end of my life. Though my entire family was apprehensive of our match, I am glad I went against them, and got married to him. That’s the wisest decision I have ever taken in my life.

It’s HIM because he came into my life when I was at the lowest point in my life – financially and emotionally – he proposed to me by saying “I want to marry a girl like you” and not by the clichéd opt-repeated “I love you”. Though I had my own initial qualms about this relationship, I have grown to love him over the years.

It’s HIM because when I met him, I was an ugly duckling and he accepted me with all my ugliness and gawky behavior. I was penniless. It’s HIM because he accepted me because of what I was – a lonely girl battling it out with the bad, bad world. He promised to take care of me and keep me under his umbrella safe and sound. Till date he hasn’t broken his promise.

That’s why it’s HIM and not anybody else. It will always be so. It pains me when I hurt him – intentionally and unintentionally – I will never ever hurt him again!

Confessions of a momma!

8th May is Mother’s Day. What the heck! I won’t write anything clichéd. Instead, I would like to write that my daughters are the naughtiest children on earth and I confess that I find it very difficult to handle them. They are very stubborn and they don’t listen to me at all especially when they are together which all the time (touchwood) is.

I confess that I was very happy when I conceived for the first time but was miserable when I came to know of my second pregnancy. I wasn’t too keen for a second child. It just happened. I confess that now I am more tilted towards my younger daughter (don’t know why).

I confess that I love them more than my husband (is it the umbilical attachment?) though I keep shouting and screaming and spanking them. But I get angry when my husband shouts at them. I don’t want ‘anyone’ to be bad with them. I get annoyed when my mother shows more affection to my nephew than my daughters. Sometimes I feel that she does too much with my nephew to be in their good books.

Though I shout and spank, I am very proud of them both especially because they are daughters. I feel so proud when they come out with flying colors in their exams. I like to gift them at those times. Every time. I shower them with gifts. In her last assessment, Jemimah got 14 and half marks out of 15 in History.

So today when I go for shopping, I will buy a lot of gifts for them on the pretext of Mother’s Day. They irritate me so much in the mornings, they irritate me so much in the evenings, they don’t listen to me, they keep their room untidy, they watch television all the time, they fight with each other like cats and dogs and drag me also in their fights, but but but…..but one thing is for sure….I love them a lot. They make my life complete.

Wondrous Wednesday

It wasn’t a wondrous Wednesday for me but it became one when I got a SMS alert in the train intimating me that my Golu has written some ‘wondrous’ things on my wall. Before that it was more of a wavering Wednesday for me. I had no clue of what I would do today. Like I wrote yesterday, the kids have their summer holidays now and nothing is happening on time. They behave just the way they want to without listening to me. They just make me scream and shout at them. On top of that, my maid has gone on leave for almost a week and additional household chores have been added to my already full basket. Now I have to scrub vessels and sweep the floor also. I was in a haze……till I got that SMS. I don’t feel ‘hazy’ anymore.

That’s the wonderful part – I instantly come to know whenever anyone writes anything on my wall or comments on my status or photos. Or sends messages to me. I don’t have to be online all the time. These SMSs keep me well informed of all the happenings.

Yesterday I said I will be busy and so not sure of the next post. But today I want to say that “I have to write things down to feel I fully comprehend them” (Norwegian Wood). So I have to write down my thoughts.

I am going to make this Wednesday an extraordinarily ‘wondrous’ one by going on shopping today. Yes, I am going to shop to my heart’s content. I have wanted to shop for some time now but something or the other was playing the spoilsport. But I will not allow anything to go wrong today. And since 8th May is Mother’s Day and on 10th we have to go for a wedding, I guess today’s the perfect day to shop.

My thoughts are crystal clear today. I am not thinking the obnoxious thoughts of Ammu and Velutha. My mind is peaceful and I would rather continue with this feeling. This always happens to me when I am listening to Oye 104.8 FM in the morning. I guess I should always listen to ‘Mumbai ki Jani, Archana Jani’ in the mornings. She envelops me in her positive attitude towards life and I am always in a perky mood after listening to her PJs. She never fails to bring a smile on my face and so does ‘Golmaal’. The quirky PJs just lift up my spirit every time I listen to them. RJ Komal’s ‘Oye Gramophone’ in the afternoon, while going home, is the icing on the cake. Nothing else for me! Just Oye 104.8 FM….whole day….!

PS: Since it is Levi’s 158th birthday, yesterday they gifted me 158 Levi’s Loop points free! I now have 203 Loop points (Rs 203)!!!

And sometimes I feel like ‘unfriending’ some of the friends from my list of 257. Sometimes I feel like ‘unfriending’ all except ONE. But I fear…what will the other 256 friends think and how odd and fishy it will look. Just ONE friend in my friends list!

Tipsy Tuesday

It’s a tipsy Tuesday for me today. In fact, not just today…… I have been feeling tipsy since past so many days. This weekend was most hectic because of Jemimah’s First Holy Communion (FHC) on 30th April. Though the preparations were on since the last one month or so, to arrange for so many guests and to see that everything goes smoothly is a humongous task. There are always some last minute hassles. But we made sure that this event was a memorable one for Jemimah and indeed it was. She was so happy.

Now the next big thing is on 10th May when both Jemimah and Jewel are going to be the ‘flower girls’ for somebody’s wedding. How happy I am! They will look so pretty in their brown lace short dresses. The three of us went to a tailor in Vasai yesterday for measurements. I saw a sample of the dress. It’s so pretty. I am so excited now though I was dead tired at that time. After work, I went home to pick them up and then we went to Vasai. It was a long and tiring day for me; that’s why I am feeling so intoxicated today. There’s hardly any sleep.

I visited Vasai after so many years yesterday. I thought I would get sentimental after seeing good old Vasai but fortunately, Vasai is no longer the ‘good old Vasai’. It has totally changed. I could hardly recognize any landmarks. Everything has changed. The only thing I could identify with was State Bank of India (my first ever savings account). It still wears the same old boring look.

I feel all the more tipsy because I couldn’t read anything in the train today. I was reading the short stories by Edgar Allan Poe but I stopped reading them yesterday. I took out the book from my handbag to take another book but I forgot to do so in the morning. All the stories are so disgusting. All Poe writes about is death – all his stories revolve around murder – and he takes so much pleasure in writing how he murders and then hides the dead bodies. Be it of his wife or friend or pet cat or even old men. How could anyone write such hideous stories? It amazes me! So I had to stop reading and in the process forgot to carry a new book because the mornings are truly chaotic nowadays. The kids have their summer holidays and it is so difficult to wake them up. It is truly a Herculean task to wake them up in the morning. They behave so stubborn. Then I have to dress them and leave them at the crèche. I prefer school days when everything happens systematically and on time. This will be on till the time the school reopens. And that will be more than a month. I am already tired.

I sported a new look for Jemimah’s FHC by straightening (temporary) my curly hair but my curls (permanent) love me so much that they find it so difficult to leave me. They are back! But honestly, even I love my curls and am so happy to get them back. They are truly mine….they will never leave me! I didn’t want to change my profile picture and upload the album in this new look. I didn’t want any comments but hubby dear insisted that I should do so. He says he loves to read the comments (I am sure he must be the only husband on earth who feels that). I would have felt so jealous had I been in his place. Moreover, like a friend quipped, the occasion of FHC has been totally sidelined by the mad caps and all are just remarking on my looks. My poor daughter! I will upload more FHC photographs later on.

Oh my poor head! It aches. It aches, aches, and aches so much…and I am so very sleepy…..I need coffee!

PS: I will be busy for some time now with the newsletter. So not very sure of the next posting!