In Your Time.......

Dear DLL Jesus,

While looking at some of the church photos in Mangalore, I realized yet again, that I had not been inside any of your churches during my childhood years in Bhilai and Durgapur. I don't even know the names of any churches in both these places. But that doesn't mean that these places don't have any churches.

The first church or rather a Mass that I ever attended was in Vasai. It was a Sunday evening and I had gone with our new neighbour. It was not a proper church at the junction of two roads. I think it was some kind of grotto where the Mass was celebrated. People just gathered at the corner of the two roads. They kept standing during the entire Mass.

And I couldn't stand for so long and thus fainted. I don't know which month it was but it was certainly after the SSC exams and I had a lot of holidays and so went for the Mass with the new girl I had befriended. 

Recently when I was recalling this incident of fainting, I felt like Nathaniel under the fig tree. I have even written about it to you that how after so many years when I think of that incident I feel like Nathaniel whom you saw under the fig tree. You had seen me during that fainting incident and must have felt bad for me and so made me your own.🤭 Or may be you had known me right from my mother's womb and that Sunday just wanted me to attend my first Mass. And you made it memorable by causing that fainting incident.🤭 I don't know - it's you who knows everything!

But the long and short of this conversation is that in my childhood years I had never been inside a church! What a loss because all churches are so beautiful - indeed your Bride - and that's the reason so decked up for her Bridegroom!🤗

Yet again the same question arises in my heart - why was I not given my Carmel Peace earlier than the time I got it?

I have the answer as well - "In your time, you make all things beautiful in your time."😥

Guide me, Holy Spirit!

"Do you understand what you are reading?" And he said, "How can I, unless someone guides me?"

Dear DLL Jesus,

These verses from the Acts of the Apostles Chapter 8 describe the story of my life right now. There are so many things about you that I keep reading all the time but unless someone guides me properly how will I understand them all. The deep meaning hidden in the layers of the Scriptures that are not at all fathomable when we read them for the first time. There are many layers to these verses that apparently seem easy but are not - that's why I have always wanted to do an in-depth study of the Bible - as it is a treasure trove!

Finally you are opening this treasure trove to me by fulfilling the desire of my heart through the online "Bible Theology and Biblical Spirituality" certificate course from St. Peter's Pontifical Institute, Bengaluru.🤗 This course begins from June.

And then in July and November I will be at Dhyanavana, Mysuru, to attend a plethora of courses.🤗 I am so very excited and looking forward to doing those courses. 

I will be sitting and staying and also praying at one of the most beautiful places that fall under the KG Province and that has been blessed by the presence of Spirit-filled Carmel Peace.😇 

That's why when Fr. Walter took up these same verses for his reflection during the Holy Eucharist, I listened to him attentively. He said that we must pray for the Spirit to guide us to understand these Scriptures because Jesus himself has appointed the Holy Spirit as our guide and advocate. 

So Lord I pray that the Holy Spirit guides me during my studies online as well as at the beautiful Dhyanavana to meditate upon your words and understand them accordingly. May I not be in a dreamland🤭 especially in November!!!🤭

Your House, Your Home!

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today I have a lot to tell you.

Firstly, I am very happy to see this photo from 2010 come up on Facebook memory. How beautiful and innocent they both were 13 years ago! They still are but sadly the same attachment is missing!😥 But they are the best - never troubled us - no complaints ever from the school or the creche or the neighbours when they played in the garden! Till today we don't face such problems.🙏 So they are the best girls you have given us. Thank you so much, Lord!

"Thank you for the sun and moon" - that's what today's recessional hymn was!😇

I also want to focus on the response to today's Psalm - "There is one thing I ask of the Lord, to live in the house of the Lord." Please Lord let me always live in your house and study to grow in my loving relationship with you and feel secure in your house. I don't want to be anywhere else.

And that's the reason even our house is not getting sold even after so many attempts since 2014 - because it has been blessed by you during the vision that I saw in Tabor in 2013.🙏 That's what even the first reading is all about - "If the message is of human origin, it will fail. If the project or action is from God, then nothing can destroy it." The words of Gamaliel to the Sanhedrin. And I passed on this message to hubby as well who is trying to sell off the house.😥

I am so convinced that I will not be going anywhere from this house as you have blessed it and sprinkled your precious blood all over the place!🙏😇🙏 And this is your house, your home and I welcome you today and tomorrow and always! Please stay with us in this house and never leave us and please don't allow us to leave it - let us all stay together happily ever after!!!🤗🤗

Eight Months Without Minnie😥

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today is the eighth month without Minnie!😥 So I wanted to offer flowers to her. But I had forgotten to buy them yesterday. So in the morning while coming back from the church I looked at every corner to see whether any flower vendor was sitting. But none were there. I was desperate to offer flowers to Minnie because, for the last two months, I have not done so. In February I was travelling back from Mangalore and in March it skipped my mind as it was a Sunday.😥 So today I had to offer flowers to her.😥

So in desperation, I plucked the white vinca flowers from the building plant even though I don't like them. I never liked them.

In 2020 when my blogging was at its peak, I posted about the white vinca plant in my so-called garden in Bhilai. 

This is what I had written:

"There was this drought-tolerant plant near the kitchen window. I was quite indifferent to it as I didn’t like its icy-white flowers. But I am sure I must have watered it every evening. I guess it survived my indifference because the White Vincas love the sun and are low-maintenance plants. These vigorous bloomers form drifts of snowy blooms all summer long. They are resistant to shade, heat, humidity, drought, and insect pests. I remember the White Vinca from Bhilai because of its density and ground-hugging height. It was taller than me in 1988."

🤭🤭 

So today these white vinca flowers from my childhood days in Bhilai came to my rescue.😥

It is you, Jesus!

Dear DLL Jesus,

Since the time I have been getting this desire for attending the courses at Ryshivana and Dhyanavana, I am reminded of some things that the Little Flower wrote in Chapter 8 of her book THE STORY OF A SOUL. While reading this book in February at the beginning of the Lenten season, I knew that these quotes were written for me.🤗

So to begin with, her quote, "I believe quite simply that it is Jesus himself, hidden in my poor heart, Who is mysteriously at work inspiring me from hour to hour with whatever He wishes me to do" is so true. I know you keep inspiring me from hour to hour, minute to minute, second to second. Without your inspiration, I will be a total failure.

Then how true it is when she writes that "He alone can fill the vast abyss of my desires." The desire to be good and to do good and the desire to go for the Lauds in the church and attend daily morning Mass. Thus it's you Jesus who is "always guiding and inspiring me" because you "take into account our weaknesses and knows so well the frailty of our nature." 

And my favourite one, when I read in February and even now, because of which I am writing this post is "He would not inspire me with the desires I feel, were He not willing to fulfil them."

Thus, my Jesus, I am so very sure that it is you and only you who have inspired me with the desire of studying at Ryshivana and Dhyanavana. You have kindled my heart to study - online Biblical Theology and all these courses. You know that I am ready to eat this solid food and I can be taken away from the milk that I was growing on. 

So thank you, Jesus, for this trust in me, and for inspiring me with a desire to know you better by attending these courses.

Precious Day of my Life

Dear DLL Jesus,

I went to sleep immediately after the previous post and I slept quite well. I overslept. And then I had a dream and in my dream, I was at Ryshivana. But no one and nothing was familiar. It was the last day of a retreat and we were given cakes. I ate three cakes.😀 My train was supposed to be leaving from Mangalore station at 5 pm. But I was busy eating the free cakes. Then I realized that only ten minutes were left for my train to leave from Mangalore and I was one and a half hours away from the station. I panicked and stood on the road crying loudly and calling from rickshaws. None of them stopped for me and so I kept crying loudly. I then woke up crying and realized that I had overslept. In my dream I overate and in reality, I overslept. So nothing seems to be going all that well on the 22nd year of my baptism. I have been overthinking since morning and am upset about the thought of not getting a good course that I can do either in Ryshivana or Dhyanavana. I am restless and irritated - not an ideal way to spend the most precious day of my life.😥

Happy Baptism Day to me🤗

Dear DLL Jesus,

It was on this day in 2001 that I was baptized as an adult. From a Bengali Brahmin, I became a Roman Catholic.

I wasn’t glad THEN but I am glad NOW that I was baptized - otherwise, who could I love so much and who would have become my daddy long legs? Who would have stopped me from the vain wanderings in the wilderness and shown me my true Carmel Peace, my CP? 

I was born to be united with you as per the doctrine of St. John of the Cross. If I was not baptized I could not enter Carmelo and I would not have known my Pace and my Pace couldn't set me free. I would have kept wandering and knocking on the wrong doors. I would not have known the great doctors and Saints of the Carmelite Order. My heart just shuddered at this thought and I can feel the tears that are welling up in my eyes. If I was not baptized I would not have known Cloistered Carmel also. My life would have been such a painful one.

Thank you, Lord, for calling me to you and baptizing me, and planting me in the beautiful garden of Carmel. My eyes are now filled with tears and I am still shuddering at the thought of not knowing my CP had I not got baptized. I am tormented now and my vision is blurred because of the tears. 

Now I fully understand the importance of being baptized and I will honour this day more than my birthday as I have been doing for the past few years now. But this year's baptism day is extra special because I realized that I could not even enter Carmelo had I not been baptized. And this realization horrifies me because baptism=carmel=carmel peace. No baptism, no Carmel, no Carmel Peace.😥 So it would have been much better for me to have died in my mother's womb when she tried to get rid of me.😥

But Lord you had other wonderful plans for me🤗 which I can see now for myself.

So a very happy baptism day to me!!!

💖💖

Provincial Chapter

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today the lector assigned to the readings could not make it to the church. So I was asked to do the readings and I did it with great pleasure and confidence. I don't know what made me read the readings yesterday evening at home as a lector.🤗 So in the morning when I was asked to read, I recalled it and went ahead with full confidence.🤗 Thank you, dear Jesus, for this privilege. 

And I read confidently without choking anywhere because there was no early morning sleepy voice today. Also, no early morning swollen eyes and lips that I get each morning from the time I started going to church early. Today there were no swellings and the voice was also better than every day. Thank you so much, Lord. You arrange everything perfectly to glorify your name through the people who love you.💖 Thank you, thank you, thank you!😇

The readings were as follows:

Acts of the Apostles 3: 11 - 26 

Psalm 8: 2ab, 5, 6-7a, 7b-9 

Acclamation: This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice in it and be glad.

Indeed I am so glad today!🤗

Today in the evening the Infant Jesus grotto will be inaugurated after the Mass. But I clicked the photos in the morning as either I may not be able to go for the inauguration or it will be crowded in the evening. I clicked in the dark and daylight - before and after Mass. The face of your infancy stage of life is so beautiful that I fell in love with it at first sight and I could not take my eyes off.🤗🙏🤗

And today again, in fact from yesterday, my heart has yet desired to be at Mysore.🤗

What if I can't be a student there, I can very well go as an OCDS member🤗 - as the President! For the first time, I would like to take advantage of my presidentship.🙏

As informed by Fr. George Santhumayor, the Provincial Chapter will be taking place on 18th April. So in the new Chapter let it be decided that the long-pending Council Members' training will be conducted in Mysore.🤭 And also the Congress in November.🤭 

But as always let your will be done, Lord!😇 If it is your will let me visit Mysore sometime very shortly.😇🙏😇 In 2023.

Calm and Composed

Dear DLL Jesus,

The more I think about it the more I realize that Carmel Peace has changed me. I read the blog post that I wrote in 2020 on the same verses. I realized that my feelings have changed - something I wrote toward the end of the post doesn't resonate anymore - I don't like what I wrote then! But I did not delete it intentionally because I want to keep comparing my feelings post and pre-Carmel Peace days and months and years. I know that I have changed and the old posts will help me to determine this change.

Having said that I am glad to have changed and been able to come out of the situations that dominated my heart then - I have realized that Carmel Peace has set me free from my past debacles and filled me with a peace that only Carmel Peace (CP) could do it. So I have decided to go along with this beautiful change and sober down - just the way I was earlier - no more screaming and shouting but just want to be calm and composed - just like the not-so-good old days. Even though I was struggling with life, I did not scream and shout - I was well-mannered and well-behaved, a girl of few words, and not the garrulous woman that I have become - I want to change for my CP's sake because I sense something beautiful in the future and I want to be like those days when I was good even though my life was not.

That Expensive Ointment

Dear DLL Jesus,

Yesterday was Palm Sunday - your triumphant entry into Jerusalem - and I had been privileged enough to carry the banner of our community - the community started by our Spiritual Director Fr. Melvin in October 2015. I was the first PPC member of our community. But I couldn't handle the post as I could not please the people who were up against me. But the present PPC member has approached me to be an animator - what do you want me to do Lord? I am thinking of taking it up as we should also be serving our community. Lord, please let me know your thoughts and your will on this.

Meanwhile Lord, please help me to faithfully walk with you in this Holy Week - the most crucial week of the year - Lord, help me to feel what you felt when you had to journey this most important week then. Let me journey with you faithfully even though the GJS show has come up as a distraction for me during the Easter Triduum - I know it is a trial for testing my faith as I have journeyed faithfully with you during the entire Lenten season - the GJS show exactly from Good Friday 7 April till Monday 10 April is going to be a tester of my love for you. Lord, help me to conquer these testing days and like you let me come out triumphant on Easter morning - help me to be good and faithful to you Lord!

"Mary therefore took a pound of expensive ointment made from pure nard and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume."

These are yet another favourite verses from the gospel. It is time to do this during the Holy Week. I started it yesterday when I went to the Palm Sunday procession and today to begin the 40 hours of adoration. Last night I went to sleep after midnight but you made it possible for me to wake up early at 4:30 am. I thought since the morning Mass was anticipated for 6 am even the Lauds would be said early. So I reached the church at 5:23 am. But the Lauds were not said. I said it alone before the Mass.

After the Mass, the Monstrance was exposed for 40 hours of adoration. I left a little while later because I will be again going at 8 pm for the community adoration.

I want to be like Mary Lord and anoint your feet with my love. It was her love for you that made her do it - use the most expensive ointment and wipe your feet with her hair. I wish to imitate her - what should I do Lord, what is that one expensive thing that I have that you would like to be anointed with? Please help me to identify it, Lord. Once you help me to identify that one thing I will anoint your feet with that. And let my house and my heart with filled with the fragrance of that one thing.👏