I love you, Lord, my strength

I love you, Lord, my strength; O Lord, my rock, my fortress, my saviour. (Psalm 18: 2-3a)

Dear DLL Jesus,

It was on  31 January 2023 that I started my day by saying the Lauds!😇 That morning when my alarm rang for the second time at 6:15 am I couldn't go back to sleep. I tried to but I could not. So the small soft voice within whispered to me to get up and say the Lauds. So I woke up wide a little before 6:30 am and did my morning prayers - it felt so nice!🤗😇🤗 

So Lord I prayed to you to wake me up every morning to say my morning prayers early! And as always you listened to my prayer and the next morning I woke up at 6:12 am. Since that day with your assistance, I was able to wake up early to say my morning prayers at home around the same time as 6 am. 

Then I went to Ryshivana. As the Lauds are chanted there at 6 am, I joined the Fathers and Sisters in doing so. Then after a break of a few minutes, the Holy Mass is celebrated at the beautiful glass chapel at 7 am. So saying the Lauds and attending the Holy Mass in the morning for a week became a way of life for me. 

This is what I had always desired. But as the distance between the church and home in Mira Road is slightly more than walkable early in the morning, I have always been sceptical to go. But the week-long stay at Ryshivana did wonders for my soul and I finally got the courage to go to the church alone in the morning. 

After deciding to attend the 6 am Ash Wednesday Mass, I have been going for the Lauds at 5:45 am and also attending the 6:15 am Holy Mass. Today I complete five weeks of doing so.👏

A big thanks from the greatest depth of my heart Lord for making it possible for me!👏

I also complete two months of waking up early in the morning.🤗

Lord, you know the desires of everyone's hearts and fulfil them according to their needs. You knew I always wanted to come to the church to say the Lauds but because of the distance, I could not do so. But you fulfilled this desire in your time when you felt I was ready to travel alone in the morning!

So again a big thanks from the very bottom of my heart!❤️ 

As per today's responsorial Psalm, I love you, Lord, my strength; O Lord, my rock, my fortress, my saviour.🙏😇🙏

Constantly Seek His Face.......

"Turn to the Lord and his strength; constantly seek his face. Remember the wonders he has done, his marvels and his words of judgment."

Dear DLL Jesus,

These are the verses of today's Responsorial Psalm 105: 4-5 and I have been thriving to do exactly what the Psalmist is telling us. I have turned to you to find strength in you and seek your face and friendship every day of my life. Lord, I also try to remember all the good that you have done for me from the time I turned to you. I keep writing these posts as a reminder of all your goodness. These are a way of contemplation for me as I engage myself in this loving conversation with you - it is becoming a way of life for me.🤗

And the more I write to you, the more I fall in love with you and the more you bless me. It was your blessing that gave me the idea on this day, or late in the night, in 2021 to launch my magazine Nainen - the woman. Today is the conception day of NAINEN - it will be two years old on 6 May.🤗 And in these two years I have seen so many blessings being poured on nainen and me.🤗 Thank you so much my darling Jesus.♥️

A lot of good things seem to have happened on this day according to Facebook memories. I did a lot of constructive reading and writing on the Carmelite Order during the pandemic in 2020. My faith was strengthened through these readings and writings and even though my hubby and mom tested positive for Covid in 2021, nothing happened to the girls and me even after having all the possible symptoms.😇 We were quarantined in the hall room and suffered a lot because of this but our faith remained intact.🤗

Then over the years, I have written a lot of different posts about the sinful women in the Bible and identified myself in them. So a lot of things have taken place over the years on this day.

Thank you, St. Teresa of Avila!

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today is the birthday of our Foundress and our Holy Mother St. Teresa of Avila. But Jubilee Cardozo of St. Mary Magdalene has been so very busy with her professional writing since yesterday that there has been no time to write to you. Even though I am sorry to have not written to you in the last twenty-four hours, I am extremely grateful for this new height in my writing. Yesterday again I was approached by The Teenager Today to continue writing for them. So since morning, I was busy finishing my Hobby Lobby column for them. This time I wrote about vlogging as a hobby.

I realized that now my writing are been published in the following magazines and a diary:

1) Carmel Light (yearly)

2) The Herald (weekly)

3) LivingWater (monthly)

4) The Teenager Today (monthly)

5) NAINEN (monthly)

6) Jewellers Gallery (bimonthly) 

And the seventh one is the article I wrote for the Ryshivana magazine. Looking forward to seeing it soon.🤗

So, extremely happy and grateful for these writings which keep me spiritually, morally and financially motivated.🤭

Once again a very happy birthday to Santa Teresa because of whom we exist.🫡🤗🫡

Thank you, St. Teresa of Avila for reforming the Carmelite Order and allowing laypeople like us to be a part of it - we owe our charism to you and St. John of the Cross and Blessed John Soreth - a big thanks from the very depth of my heart!!!♥️♥️

Two Desires of my Heart

You delight not in sacrifice and offerings but in an open ear. You do not ask for holocaust and victim. Then I said, "See, I have come."

Dear DLL Jesus, 

These are verses 7-8a from Psalm 40. The entire Responsorial Psalm for the day is so beautiful - especially the response - "See, I have come, Lord, to do your will." 

And Your will is my command Lord because I don't want to do anything against your will. I want to love you and serve you with a sincere heart because it is for this reason that you created me, kept me safe in my mother's womb and finally called me to be with you and with your people - the Carmelites.🤗

Am I overdoing it, Lord? Are you bored listening to the same thing day after day? But what to do Lord - my heart is overwhelmed with Carmel and its Peace. I am sure others will be bored reading what I write. But I am not writing for them - I am conversing with you and I can't think of any other topic to converse about but Carmel.

In the morning when I was making coffee for myself after coming back from the church, suddenly I was in tears. I thought if I am allowed to be born again as a human in my next life what should I choose - become a nun and be inside the Cloistered Carmel or remain outside in the world and become one within the love of Carmel Peace? I was in tears because it was difficult to choose. But immediately I made up my mind to be immersed in the love of Peace right from the beginning of my next life - no more wandering in the wilderness but directly getting consumed by the love of Peace.

Yes Lord, if you give me another life on earth, please let me be united with my Peace right from the beginning! Like this present life, let me not wander in vain and find Peace in the evening of my life. I promise to love you too with equal fervour right from the beginning and not make you wait for my heart to convert - I will respond immediately and not take such a long time.👏

So in my next birth on earth Lord please let me be one with my Peace and let me love you right from the beginning! These are the two desires of the heart with which I will be united with you whenever you decide for me to end my earthly journey.🫡

My Death

Dear DLL Jesus,

Yesterday a very well-known OCDS member from Goa expired. Today was her funeral Mass at the Carmelite monastery in Goa. Nine priests celebrated the Mass. I don't know how to express myself. Life is so unpredictable even though she was battling something incurable. I am so disturbed by this death. The last time I was disturbed by someone outsider's death was that of singer KK whom again I had known and spoken and written about in 1999. He expired in June 2022. 

The thoughts of my death come to me right now. I am not afraid of death. I just want you to give me a good death and a place in your arms. Please give me a peaceful death as I want to die in Carmel in Peace - I am sure it is possible. It will be the last desire of the heart to die before a certain age - yes, not very old. I don't want to die an old lady as my age will be revealed. I want to die while on the younger side. Let my death remain as a sad memory in the deepest corner of Carmel Peace as I will have the privilege to die a Carmelita. I want a death that will grieve my Carmel Peace because there's no deceit in Carmelo Pace.

Yesterday I could not do the readings for today. So it was only during the Mass that I came to know what today's readings were. I like the first reading taken from the Book of Wisdom and even the Responsorial Psalm. I thought of Mio Carmelo Pace when I read the verses of the Psalm. I refuse to believe that there is any deceit in Mio Carmelo Pace - il pace è perfetto 👌🤗👌, unlike others who are filled with mind games. 

It is because of Pace that I exist in the Giardino di Carmelo - I believe in this Peace - there is no deceit in this Peace. There can be no deceit because my instinct feels it and you know that my instinct is hardly wrong. So I feel this Peace and my Peace feels me. I love my Peace and my Peace loves me. We are in love with each other.🤗 And I love being in love with Peace🤗♥️🤗 - madly in love with each other - I am not the only one! Mio Carmelo Pace loves me with equal fervour!!!💖💖

And so when I die please allow me to be buried in Peace and a piece of Peace buried in me. That's the kind of death I want Lord. But you never give what we want but what we need. So if you feel that I need Peace and Peace needs me, please Lord let your will be done! Let my Carmel Peace miss me!😇👏😇

Il Mio Amore Carmelo❤️

"You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life, and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life." (John 5)

Dear DLL Jesus,

The Israelites refused to come to you even after reading the Scriptures. But Lord I found you only when I started reading the Scriptures. Even though I am repeating myself but it was in 2010 that I found you and started loving you after joining the Bible study course. It was in the writings of St. Paul that I found you and started loving you.

And loving you has become a part of my life now - I can't imagine my life without loving you - my life is nothing without your love in it. 

And then the Carmel Peace, the Carmel Love ❤️ has found a special place in my heart - this Carmel Love, my love, il mio amore, was always there existing somewhere - it was dormant but has become active now - the volcano of Il Mio Amore Carmelo has erupted!🤗 The lava, the love, is everywhere.🤗

It is the most beautiful aspect of my life - Il Mio Amore Carmelo - what a beautiful name I thought of just now! That's the story of my life - you, me, and Il Mio Amore Carmelo❤️❤️

Sin no more.......

Dear DLL Jesus,

This is another verse that you tell me now.

Now that I am so close to you and so much in love with you, you keep whispering these words to me all the time. You make sure that I am not falling into any new sins because you know that I am vulnerable and likely to fall again and again. That's why these dark nights of the soul.

So Lord I implore you to not take away from my heart my Carmel Peace. I know that you have given my Carmel Peace so that I sin no more - nothing worse happens to me - let Carmel Peace soothe my heart and soul.

Do you want to be healed?

Dear DLL Jesus,

Does this verse from today's gospel not perfectly describe the situation in my life? 

I was spiritually invalid and wandering in the wilderness right from the beginning of my life. You saw me in this situation and you knew that I had already been there a long time, all alone, and so you asked me whether I want to be healed. But I took a lot of time to answer you. But once I answered you immediately helped me get into your pool of living water. 

So my loving Jesus I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart to have seen me struggling all alone and knowing that I was there for a long time. Thank you for dipping myself in you through what I needed the most in my life. Again I understand that you have given me what I needed the most and not what I desired the most. There's such a huge difference between need and desire. The need of my life then was to be happy and you very well knew that maybe my desire could not keep me happy because of a different priority.

So then you gave me what I needed the most and now you have given me what I desired the most.😇 You have balanced my life so well.

Dark Nights of my Soul

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today l want to write to you about my return from Mangalore one month back. So it's been one month since I returned from Mangalore after doing my doctrine on St. John of the Cross. It's been one month of silence and no response - just like the bad old days. It's been one month since I am again treated as if I am the most horrible thing in the whole wide world. It's been one month that I have been trying to attain forgetfulness. And it's been one month that I am unsuccessful in doing so.

So, tell me Lord what to do? What should I do to attain forgetfulness? Why is it so difficult for me to forget all these matters of the heart? I know that these are those ongoing passive dark nights of my soul.😥 The dark nights of my senses!😥 I will not ask you, Lord, why is it happening to me because I know that it is time for the purification of my soul. You are purifying my soul to get united with you. But when exactly will it be uniting fully? When will the fire of your love consume me fully? 

I hope you are not tired of reading the same things again and again. But what to do Lord? This is what I am going through every day and if I don't confess and share it with you I will be doomed, Lord. I exist because I write to you - without you I am nothing!😥

One month back.......

.......I was travelling back from Mangalore with tears in my eyes!😥 The tears fell more and more when I crossed all the familiar places that I had so joyously entered only a week back.😥 I must have cried till the train entered Madgaon.

While writing this suddenly I am reminded of Palm Sunday morning when you were entering Jerusalem on the colt and the people were welcoming you with palm leaves and singing Hossana! They were so happy to see you. While entering Karnataka even I was very happy and my heart was rejoicing.

But while coming back the very next Sunday afternoon I was in tears. It was the good Friday of my life. The entire doctrine of St. John of the Cross had gone for a toss. I was worse than ever. I was leaving behind a little more piece of my heart at Mangalore. This piece of my heart yearned for that Carmel Peace which I thought I managed to have buried in the doctrine of St. John of the Cross. But I was wrong - the more I got away from Mangalore, the more my heart cried. My heart has been crying since the last year - from the time I first experienced my Carmel Peace in May 2022 in Bangalore. It was this Carmel Peace that I had yearned for all my life.😥

Forever in ❤️ With You

Dear DLL Jesus,

Something that I am dying to share with you since the morning is that I woke up today with a dream - a dream of the Way of the Cross (WOC) by the youth. In this WOC, Googaa was enacting the role of a woman which is not mentioned anywhere in the scriptures. So, Googaa was this unknown woman and someone very known to me and you was playing your role of that of Jesus. Googaa had to fall on your, that is Jesus' feet, and say "Rabbi". So she cryingly fell on your feet and said "Rabbi". To my great happiness and surprise, of course in the dream, the one playing your role slowly picked her up in his arms and carried her out of the scene. I was happy to see this as the spectator. I am sure that this must have been the Good Friday WOC that the youth of our parish enact. A lot of people were there as spectators. I was very happy to see this because Jesus carried her so tenderly in his arms as if a father was carrying his daughter.🤗

So I woke up very happy on the first ring of the alarm on my new iPhone.😄

After I came back from the church I saw WhatsApp messages sending me content and inquiring about content. So I was happy to see such great content after so many days. Thank you, Lord, for giving back my enthusiasm for my dear magazine Nainen - the woman. I have planned the editorials till July.🤗

Lord, you are always so good to me that I wonder why you love me so much. What have I done to be so much loved by you? So very grateful to you for loving me so much - forever indebted - forever in love with you ❤️

I also have been wanting to write to you that last month on this day I was on my way to the Cloistered Carmel and then to the Infant Jesus Shrine in Mangalore.🤗 I was so excited to have been able to visit these two beautiful places. My heart was overwhelmed.😇 I also received a plastic bag full of mangoes and for the very first time and also the last time, my message was answered.😇 There has been no interaction since then.😥 I am again in ignore mode. The ignore mode has been activated for me. So be it - I can't force anyone to keep in touch with me if they don't want to - I can't force anyone to like me and be my friend if they don't want to!😥

Transforming Eucharist

Dear DLL Jesus,

All the readings for the day and the hymns are so beautiful - today is one of those days when everything seems beautiful right from the beginning - first the Lauds and then Holy Mass.🤗

Today I heard that entrance hymn for which my ears were longing - "I wandered far away from God" and the communion hymn "Come back to me" - that made the Holy Mass extra beautiful.

And the readings - a few verses from each reading managed to touch my heart from the time I read them last night. I would like to write them down: 

The first reading from Daniel 3:

.......for there will be no shame for those who trust in you.

Psalm 25 (image attached)

Acclamation:

Even now, declares the Lord, return to me with all your heart, for  I am gracious and merciful.

So with this conviction, I carry on my Lenten journey with renewed fervour!👏

According to today's Facebook memories, in 2019 I wrote about the transforming Eucharist of my life. I have written the following on Facebook:

"If I am not wrong, it was this hymn (amazing grace) during 2011 Ash Wednesday (9th March) that brought repentance in my life! I remember correctly that after attending the Mass and hearing this hymn, I decided to do some acts of penance that Lent. I decided to forgo certain things like my coffee, lunch and Facebook! 

That Mass brought transformation in me! Since that day, I try to be as attentive as I can be for all the Masses!"

Thus 9 March has yet another memory attached to it. 

The Samaritan Woman

Dear DLL Jesus,

Yesterday was the last day of Sunday school 2022-23 - I am going to miss it till it reopens in June. It's going to be so boring without my regular studies to teach in the class - please give me some activities to keep myself engrossed - maybe the reflections for the 2024 Carmel Light Bible diary! Please keep my heart immersed in you!🙏

Yesterday was the third Sunday of Lent and the gospel was about the Samaritan woman. The Samaritan woman is one of the women in the Bible with whom I have identified myself right from the very beginning. It is because of women like her and the woman caught in adultery and Mary Magdalene that I started coming close to you - I identified my life in those women and I drew inspiration from them! For me, all these women were one when I initially started reading the Bible and something was enchanting about the way they were forgiven by you - so I always found these women truly inspirational.

Yesterday we also went to see Minnie 🐱 after an eternity - I uploaded those photos to her album.😥

This post was meant to be uploaded yesterday but I am doing it today.

I am Home

Dear DLL Jesus,

Nowadays I am sharing the verses of the Psalms as I am finding them so soothing to my heart and soul. I am also thinking of studying them extensively on my KJV Bible app. It is high time to start and so I will start today.

So far it has been quite a fruitful day today. Even though I was not getting a rickshaw in the morning to go to the church, I managed to get it on time and reached just in time for the Lauds.👏 So a big thanks from the bottom of my heart!❤️ 

Then during the Holy Mass, I realized that Carmel Peace is my home and so I wanted to hear the hymn "Lord, I am coming home" but they did not take this hymn today. So on my contemplative walk back home I was singing this hymn and feeling good about the fact that my Carmel Peace is my home and I am finally home.🤗

It was yet another happy moment to see today's Konkani Mass of Infant Jesus Shrine, Bikarnakatte - Mangalore on YouTube - though I did not understand much, it felt peaceful.🤗

I have also received great content for both magazines and feel great about it.🤗 

And how can I forget to write about how I was feeling one month back on this day? I was feeling exhilarated on this day in February because I was traveling to Mangalore for my studies at Ryshivana. I was so happy and anxious about it!🤗 So in the morning I told hubby about doing one more course at Ryshivana and also visiting the Infant Jesus Shrine in Mangalore and he just looked at me!😄 I told him not to change his mind later on!!!😀 

So I am extremely excited to plan another trip to Ryshivana and visit the Infant Jesus Shrine Mangalore. But it all depends on you, Lord! My plan will not succeed unless it is approved by you!!!👏 Let your will be done!!!🙏🙏

Wilderness Experience

Dear DLL Jesus,

I have also been thinking about the 30 years of Wilderness Experience that I went through before encountering my Carmel Peace. Just like the Israelites who went through the wilderness experience for 40 years, I too went through it. But I still don't know the exact reason for this.

Lord, was it you that I had to love immensely? Do you feel I could not have loved you so deeply without going through these years in the utter wilderness? Do you feel if my life had taken a different course I would not have been as blessed and as pampered as I am now? Lord, did you give me what I most needed in my life rather than what I most desired? This is the only logical answer that I can think of - you gave me what I needed the most!!!

But then what is the logical answer for encountering my Carmel Peace now at this juncture of my life? Is this what I need the most right now in my life? After wandering in the wilderness for 30 years, am I supposed to stop now and rest in Carmel Peace? And wander no more?

This is the only logical answer I can think of - both have been given to me at that particular juncture of my life when I needed them the most - the wilderness experience and Carmel Peace - the two most important aspects on which my life has been designed by you!

But this is my human thinking 💭 and I have no idea about your divine thinking 💭 because human thinking is foolish against your divine thinking 💭 

PS: Today is the day, one month ago, the much-cherished 3-day classes on Divine Office had begun!!!

Scrutiny of the Scriptures

Dear DLL Jesus,

9 March is yet another memorable day of my life!🤗

After going through my Facebook memories, I realized that it is one of those days when I have been generally happy 😊 except in 2021 when my attempt at selling Clovia products was taken negatively and a lot of ladies blocked me.😄 But what to do Lord? The financial situation was so bad that year that I was desperately selling Clovia products to everyone I knew. But even this failed.😥 I was so disheartened.

Then on this same day in 2022, you filled my heart with your Carmel Peace. The Carmel Peace finally found its way towards me and spoke to my heart through the Scrutiny of the Scripture🤗 - all the misgivings of the past simply vanished away!🤗There was this Peaceful Peace that I had always been yearning for! But of course, I did not realize it then - like your apostles, I realized this truth much later - in Bangalore when I encountered this Peace all over again! It was then that the clarity of Carmel's Peace came cascading down on me and since then I have been filled with this Peace!😇

So to celebrate the first anniversary of my encounter with your Carmel Peace, I ordered a pair of gold Tanishq earrings from the money that my mother gave me yesterday! 

Hope more memorable things are in store for this beautiful day!🤗❤️🤗

But Lord,

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? "I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds." Jeremiah 17: 9 - 10

How very true Lord! I find it so difficult to understand my heart and why it does what it does! So many times in the day I fall Lord because of the deceitful things my heart does - why is it so desperately sick? What should I do Lord? It is only you who understands the deeds of the heart and so Lord please search and test it properly - how much more is it going to trouble me?

But then if it doesn't trouble me, how will I be dependent on you and find refuge in you? And then how will you fill it with Carmel Peace? So please Lord let my heart trouble me as much as it wants to, you please keep it filled with Carmel Peace.🤗

The Carmel Bell

Shattered and teary-eyed,

When I decided to move on in life,

Did the Carmel bell ring somewhere?

Twenty-three years before when I said "I do",

Did the angel gladly sing somewhere?

The hour when I was made the Lord's child, 

Did the Carmel bell ring somewhere?

When the child was rejected by the world, 

Did the angel sadly sing somewhere?

When I embraced you Lord that September evening, 

Did the Carmel bell ring somewhere?

When I repented and turned back to you, 

Did the angel gladly sing somewhere?

I am sure it did, 

As I hear Carmel's bell everywhere.

O how I love Carmel with all its beauty, 

I was demented to not have responded, 

To the resplendence of an aspect so dear!

Cloistered Carmel, Mangalore

On this International Women's Day, I would like to write about some wonderful women who make this beautiful world all the more beautiful with their unceasing prayers. The beauty of these beautiful women is that they make the world beautiful through their prayers by being on the other side of the world - known as cloistered Carmelite nuns, they have taken a vow of encasement to be inside the four walls of the convent/monastery to lead a life of silence and contemplation. They unceasingly pray for us who have been struggling on this side of the world.

And no, they are not the locked-up grumpy sisters you expect them to be! On the contrary, they have the most cheerful disposition and always greet you with an unfaltering smile - they are sure to brighten up your gloominess with their bright smiles.

There are more than a thousand Cloistered Carmels in the world and around 12000 sisters. In India, there are 34 Carmels with around 600 sisters. 

It has been my privilege to meet them from different convents. I have met the sisters in Mumbai three times, the ones in Bangalore for one time and the ones, to whom I dedicate this post, one time in Mangalore. I love them all with equal fervor. They enchant you with their charming disposition. There are around 15 sisters at the Sacred Heart Monastery in Kankanady, Mangalore, which is just opposite Dr. Muller's hospital. This is the first convent that was founded in India by St. Miriam Bouardy. As she was instrumental in founding this convent it preserves her relics like the bed she slept on and the rosary she prayed with. Like the other cloistered convents around the world, it too has a beautiful garden where grapes and dragon fruits are grown painstakingly. 

The Founder and Mother of these convents St. Tesera of Avila did not want her nuns to be dependent on anyone and thus different convents have different vocations. Some are into beekeeping and embroidery, some into making candles and pickles, and some into baking hosts. The sisters in Mangalore make vestments for the priests. 

The 15 of them - right from the approximate age of 30 to 94, have a set routine for themselves. They wake up early at 4:30 am to start their day with prayers, daily Eucharist, and meditation. They have set timetables for everything - to pray, to eat, to sleep, and even for recreation. 

Thus for their recreation, they even go on a picnic! On the day of the picnic, they fill their hampers with all their eatables to sit under the trees of their lovely garden and enjoy a day in the open! 

Though they have left the world to be in the solitude and silence of the convent with their Heavenly Spouse, they do not miss it by any means. They are happy to help the outsiders like us with their precious prayers. And I feel truly blessed to have been asked to write about them - I pray that they increase in number and that the world becomes even more beautiful through their prayers!

1993 to 1999

If today we completed 20 years of living in Mira Road, then in June 2023 we complete 30 years of living in Mumbai. We shifted from Durgapur, West Bengal, to Vasai in June 1993. And life in Vasai from June 1993 to December 1999 till the time I got married wasn't at all a pleasant one - thanks to my dad who was becoming an aggressive drunkard.

Those years in Vasai were extremely painful. My dad had stopped working and whenever my dad became aggressive, I would run to the terrace to escape from him. The building had only two floors and we were on the second floor. So running to the terrace would be convenient and safe as the door was always open. Be it rainy or sunny, I found solace in the terrace. There was a nook big enough for me next to the water tank and I perched myself there. Sometimes with Motu and Teddu and sometimes alone.

I spoke with Teddu about the Unseen Unknown Prince Charming but never wrote in Motu about him. What if someone had to read it? So I would sit there for hours and hours fantasizing about how he would come to save his damsel in distress. It was my favorite pastime till I started working. Then I slowly stopped interacting with both Motu and Teddu. I outgrew them. Now I spoke with him directly - heart-to-heart conversations - just the way I do now with Jesus. 

Today a new enlightenment came to me - did I always unknowingly converse with Jesus? Otherwise, why did I find my Peace in Carmel and not in the world? Why did I witness this Unknown Unseen Peace last year on this day and then again in Bangalore in May? Why does it feel so familiar in Carmel? What is the connection? What am I missing? Has it always been Jesus? 

7 March

7 March is yet another memorable day of my life. 

It was on this day in 2003 that we shifted to a house of our own at Mira Road. So today we complete 20 years of living at Mira Road. 

Last year, today is the day that I first witnessed my Carmel Peace. Though I didn't realize and couldn't recognize it immediately, it made me feel that I had witnessed and known it before. Though I kept wondering about this feeling and wondered more and more throughout the week, I still could not fully decipher it. It was so puzzlingly familiar. But instinctively I  knew that I had seen and known this Peace even though I was seeing it for the first time in my life. There was something so familiar about it.

That's why I would like to write about what I was going through when I met hubby to be on 4 March 1999. As I wrote in my post, I wasn't at all interested in him on that day. I was at the lowest point in my life as I was still reeling under the pain of the one-sided heartbreak in November 1998 and joblessness since January 1999. I was broke - mentally and financially - and so did not want to invite any more unnecessary hassles into my life. So I tried to maintain a distance. 

I managed to do so till mid-June of that year. Then I got a decent job in an upcoming dotcom wherein I had to provide content on movies and music. I took up the job gladly because I needed it and as my life had always been influenced by movies and music. 

Then one day I contacted my hubby-to-be for content. He said he was ready to share the content but as he had a lot to share, I had to meet him. So I agreed to meet him. And as they say, the rest is history - we met, he proposed and I could not say no - I suppose because I was tired of life - tired of running my life single-handedly - without any hopes of meeting my South Indian Prince Charming anywhere - tired of my insecurities - and extremely scared of my future! 

And so I decided to move on in my life without the love of the one I loved the most - that unknown unseen Prince Charming who was taking an eternity to make himself known and seen to me. 

Thus it was on 19 June 1999 that I decided to move on without him - I kept moving on with my shattered dreams and kept making blunders for the next 23 years.......I hoped and thought that I had forgotten all about him.......

So to digress from this topic, it is my blog's birthday 🎉 today. I have not called it by any particular name but sometimes I have addressed it as Motu - so happy birthday Motu II. I made you on 7 March 2010 and started blogging the next day - so you are 13 years old today - you have entered your teens!🤭 We had newly shifted to Durgapur when I turned 13 - what a torturous 13 it was with those feelings of ugliness even though I managed to purchase a denim skirt and red top wear and red heels - but I still could not shake off the feeling of looking a weird 13-year-old.🙃

Mangalore Didn't Exist😬

At that point in my life, I did not even know about the existence of a place called Mangalore!😬 I have always been amazed at the fact that till my active participation in the church, from the last decade or so, I didn't even know that there was a place in Karnataka by the name of Mangalore. 

In my childhood holidays, I went to places like Bangalore and Mysore in Karnataka, but I didn't know about Mangalore. I had never heard of this place. Also while in Goa, I did not know that I was so close to a place with which I will fall in love at the fag end of my life.🤭 I knew about the language Konkani and always thought that only the Goans spoke Konkani. Well, that's what I studied in geography. All my expeditions with the Atlas never took me to Mangalore.🤭

So it was only in the last ten years or so that I came to know about Mangalore and the Mangalorean Catholics. And how the Catholics differentiated between the two! But honestly speaking, even to me, now the Mangalorean Konkani is more soothing to the ears than the Goan version!😍

So if I did not know about the existence of Mangalore, how could I know that they could also be considered south Indians? After all, it's in Karnataka and Karnataka is in the south of India and the official language is Kannada. But I was ignorant of this fact and missed them out as South Indians. 

For me, a Malayali was typical south Indian and thus I learned certain words and phrases in Malayali to express my love for my Prince Charming!😄 As written earlier I hated Bengalis and never wanted to marry them. All I had in mind was a Malayali as my Prince Charming with whom I would eat idlis and dosas all the days of my life.😄This was the sole desire of the heart.🤭❤️🤭

Since my little geographical knowledge did not know of the existence of Mangalore, I also did not know that even Mangaloreans eat idlis and dosas - sannas and neer dosas - and various other similar south Indiana dishes. 

When I loved the kasavu and wore them during the OCDS Novem Jevonn, did my heart not feel sentimental in that traditional saree? When I loved to eat vorn did I not feel good? I never knew that I would be so sentimental about Mangalore and everything Mangalorean.🤗

Just the way I was about Bhilai and Durgapur!

Did I miss out on something beautiful? Oh yes, as always, a loser in the matter of the heart!

4 March 1999

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today is the day, 24 years ago, that I landed in hubby's office after a long struggle with the local train strike that was called that day due to the water shortage. Under normal circumstances, I would have cancelled this appointment but I was jobless at that time. This one freelance appointment meant one assignment of money and I just couldn't afford to lose it. So I made sure to complete this assignment.

Thus, frustrated with the happenings of the day, I landed at hubby's office in the evening and I did not like it at all when he tried to be over-friendly with me. The fact is that I did not like him at all.😬 I was 22, jobless, and frustrated by being rejected again by someone a few months back.😥 And so, I was not at all interested in those over-friendly gestures made by to-be-hubby. I just kept ignoring him and his overtures!😕

So when he gave me his business card to keep in touch with him, I very happily and conveniently forgot about it for almost the next two and a half months until I got a job and had to build my contacts for content.😜 It was then that I thought of contacting him.😜

But you know everything, Lord. You need not be told all this but I am writing to you to make me feel good. It was you who planned everything so that we both could love each other - I could love you the way you always loved me.🤗 You wanted me to love myself because you were seeing me struggle with my life without the support of my family. You felt pity for me because the years 1996 to 1999 were some of the most difficult years of my life. I was struggling alone and making a lot of mistakes in my quest for Prince Charming who was nowhere in sight. In vain was I searching for him in all the wrong places without knowing his exact location. I searched for him in all the wrong places. 

So you called me to you to show me the correct location - like the GPS you wanted to take me to the exact location of my happiness and Peace - and then you showed me my Peace in Carmel after many many years of struggle. You made me realize that my true happiness and Peace were already in Carmel - I didn't have to look anywhere else - Carmel was the final destination of my life - my Peace was always in Carmel and so I didn't have to look at the wrong places anymore for the wrong Peace and happiness.☺️ 

First Friday of the Month

Dear DLL Jesus,

I know Lord you don't judge us or bless us by what we eat or don't eat, but by the intentions of our hearts! Nevertheless, the heart has the intention to keep the First Friday of the Month Fast, as per the OCDS statutes, and this is what I ate just now - zucchini, cherry tomatoes and green peas sauteed in salt and pepper!🤭

And about the intention of the heart I already made known to you Lord in the morning! So may the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my DLL and Beloved Heavenly Spouse!💖

There's another thing that I want to write to you about after going through today's memories on Facebook. It is about JC's Tutorials that I launched in January 2021. I struggled so much for it to survive but it just died down. Perhaps it was not the plan you had for me. I struggled for exactly two months and then you gave me the idea of starting Nainen - the woman. And I have seen your blessings on NAINEN right from day one. Every time I am tempted to close it, you create a miracle and I keep going on with it. It will be completing two years in May.🤗 Thank you so much, Lord! Again nothing but gratitude!🙏

Contemplative Walks

Dear DLL Jesus,

These are the verses from the responsorial psalm that have touched my heart today since the time I heard it during the Mass. Then the opening lines of the communion hymn were also these so they managed to touch me all the more. Thus while walking back home from the church I was humming these verses and contemplating them. My contemplative prayer to you made me realize that in vain am I praying for this friendship. It made me realize that if it was such a worldly friendship that was required, no one would have left the pleasures of the world to seek friendship with you. It is your friendship that is of utmost importance and so I should not yearn for any other kind of friendship. I contemplated that I too should learn how to give up the pleasures of the world and seek only your friendship. I should not be a hindrance to your little ones in their friendship with you. Thus I prayed to be kept away from these little ones and these little ones from me as I am also a little one of yours. So Lord please help this little one of yours to be away from the snares of the world and seek refuge and friendship only with you. When I asked how to do this, you made me realize that with prayer everything is possible. So Lord, with a determined determination like St. Teresa of Avila, on this first Friday of the month and Friday of Lent, let me be your faithful friend. My today's intention is not to be a hindrance to any of your little ones no matter who they are - let me not be the cause of anyone's hindrance. I pray that I too can stay away from all hindrances and pray unceasingly for all the little ones to not falter in their friendship with you. Let us all empty ourselves and live in nothingness like our Father St. John of the Cross. 

My walks back home are turning out to be contemplative ones wherein I am reflecting on the verses and humming the hymns I hear during the Mass. No wonder then there is Great Silence in Carmel from the Compline till breakfast when one is urged to be quiet. Even at Ryshivana, we were asked to be quiet during breakfast and speak only to the Lord. How wonderful are these primitive rules, Lord! The silence in the heart works wonders for the soul - indeed how refreshing! How carefully all these rules have been written and are adhered to.

Today I completed one week of saying the Lauds in the church and then attending the Mass after that. It feels heavenly as I see the long-cherished desire of my heart getting fulfilled each day.😇 Thank you so much my darling Jesus!😍 Nothing but gratitude!🙏

My Diamond 💎

Dear DLL Jesus,

In the loving memory of Motu, I did a lot of constructive work today - for both the magazines - Jewellers Gallery as well as Nainen - the woman. The March edition of NAINEN  is ready except for the table of content - I managed to get 46 pages for this edition even though I had given up hope and stopped chasing content. So this is nothing but a sheer miracle by you to carry on with my magazine. I can't thank you enough, my Lord.

I hope you create a miracle in my heart also so that it forgets about the debacle of the past 9 months - how I wish to go through a memory loss to live a cheerful life. Will my life be the same again? On the contrary, I think I don't want it to be that way because something eviler could befall me. So I thank you for my present state of mind and heart - thank you for what I am going through as I don't want to fall into anything unknown and ruin myself. 

After all, have I not made enough mistakes in my life? I don't want to make the same mistakes and go through the same stupidities again. This is the best - my quest for the best - my promised land - is here. I am in my promised land and so, let me enjoy the beauty of my promised land and not wander off in the dark wilderness all over again. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you, my Lord and my God - you saved the best for the last!🤗 If you had to show me the best in the beginning I am sure to have rejected it for worldly charm and warmth - after all, was I not influenced by the glitter of Bollywood? Always comparing. Now I know why you did not show me my promised land then - I would have rejected the rustic simplicity - I could not recognize the beauty of the uncut rough natural diamond amid the false glitter of the polished conflict diamonds! I needed a new perspective in life to appreciate the magnificence of the diamond. And I fully appreciate it now!!!🤗 And I thank you for my beautiful diamond💎 - the peace of my heart ❤️

That Evening.......

Dear DLL Jesus,

It was most probably in September 2011 that I finally called you in despair and you answered me and increased the strength of my soul. Yes Lord, even though unfortunately, I don't remember the exact date of that day, I do remember very well that it was a September evening in 2011. I had just returned from work and I was sitting in despair in the master bedroom. I looked at your crucifix that we had then above the library and I cried a lot. While crying I was murmuring the words, "I can't take it anymore." I kept crying and murmuring those words. 

I am sure that I had finally responded to your call. I was given the strength to carry on and I have kept responding to you since then. And when I heard these verses in the morning I was reminded of that evening in September 2011. 

To digress from this, Facebook memories are telling me that Motu's birthday is today and not on 2 August. This means that I wrote wrong in my blog post of 2 August. How could I make such a big mistake? But Facebook is correct because Motu was a Pisces ♓ a water sign like me. Now I remember well. I think that 2 August was the birthday of my second diary that I made most probably in 1997. Not too sure about this too. 

I don't know what is wrong with my memory - why can't I remember at least the birthdays of my diaries?😥 The second diary's name was NICEY. But I hardly wrote in that because I could not connect with it the way I had connected with MOTU. I loved Motu more than Nicey. Teddu🧸was still around. Now all three are missing and I miss them a lot. I have lost all that was close to my heart - somehow could not preserve them.😥 Even my Peace, my Prince Charming - never found him at the right time even after searching so much - I consoled myself by thinking that he was never been born!🐻😥

To come back to where I started, I give thanks to you Lord for the merciful love and faithfulness that you have shown to me since that evening in September 2011. 

And a very happy birthday to my Motu - how I wish I at least had an image of him.😥 That's the disadvantage of the 1990s - I have a lot of memories but no photographs.😥