But this Little Rebel prepared with resentment. Like her, I too attended a retreat. Thankfully I remember it because it was during this retreat we were told that we could not celebrate any of our previous festivals. This retreat was conducted most probably at Bandra Retreat Centre during the Diwali weekend in 2000. So I was upset with the fact that I could not celebrate my favourite Diwali. My blood boiled but somehow I could not do anything about it.
Hubby and I made this retreat as the parishioners of the IC Church. I met two candidates representing the St. Joseph's church, Mira Road. I remember them proudly telling me about their beautiful church and how the big Cross could be seen right from the road outside. I just listened to them talk. Little did I know then that within a year I too would join them as one of the parishioners of St. Joseph's church and I too would be proud of the beautiful church.
But how I wish I could be a little better prepared for this retreat and my First Communion. I neither read any useful books nor did any acts of charity - all I did was feel resented.
Though I loved reading I read random books. I was a careless reader indulging myself in careless reading which could not leave good impressions on my soul. I read anything and everything I could lay my hands on. Some of my serious readings included the Atlas and the dictionary.
It was later in 2010 that I took to reading the Bible seriously while doing my Bible studies. I had tried reading the Bible before also but I used to read it casually to pass my time. I had two Bibles - one pocket Bible given to me by my father-in-law and one big Bible gifted by my RCIA sponsor. I still read from this big Bible.
I used to read the pocket Bible while travelling to work on the train just as I would read any other book. The bigger Bible I started reading soon after my baptism. In June 2001, while I was expecting my first child, I slipped on the stairs of Mira Road station. It was the pre-monsoon rains and the stairs were wet. During those days Mira Road was an open-air station. So I skipped one wet stair and came tumbling down. I came back home crying. So hubby stopped me from going to work and urged me to stay at home.
It was then that I started reading the big Bible in the afternoons. I noted down the verses I could understand easily. Those verses are still with me and are still close to my heart. l still like them. I also read the Bible to search for names starting from J. I searched Jemimah from the book of Job and decided that if we get a girl child we would name her Jemimah. That's how we named Jemimah Jemimah. And if it was a boy, we would have named him Jarvis. I don't know where I found this name but fortunately, we don't have a Jarvis.
Coming back to my First Communion, it was during the Easter Vigil in 2001 and unlike the Little Flower it was not at all a day of happiness for me. Unlike her, I didn't know the purpose of my birth and did not have any desire of becoming a Saint. I wasn't aware of all this. I did not know anything about becoming a new person in Christ. So when hubby said something about becoming a new person after my baptism, I just looked at him. I smiled so that he did not feel bad. But I felt bad about the fact that the people who had pushed me into getting baptized were not with us. There was no feast and no gifts for me. We just cut a cake on Easter morning.
And like the Little Flower I always found bitterness in all my earthly friendships. Even in the latest one. During my childhood, I had so many friends but today I resent the thought of making friends as bitterness is what I get in return. I am sure this happens because Jesus is the only true friend that I need. Just like St. Mary Magdalene mentioned in this chapter, Jesus called me too as he had come to call all sinners. Even though I did not know him he knew me and kept waiting for me patiently.
His patience started working on me in 2010 when I took up Bible studies. Like the Little Flower, I too "fell prey to scruples" and I too "remained in this unhappy state for nearly two years". Like the Little Flower, "it is not possible for me to describe all the sufferings it entailed" and "every thought, every action, even the simplest, was a source of trouble and anguish; no peace came to me".
It was then that I gave up all shallow reading and read only the Bible. The more I read, the more I felt "the first embrace of Jesus". "It was indeed an embrace of love. I felt that I was loved" - how true it is for me as well. Like the Little Flower, since I did not have an earthly friend, without my knowledge, Jesus started becoming my friend. Since I could not confide myself to anyone, unconsciously I started speaking with Jesus and "found my one consolation". Like the Little Flower, the Little Rebel started conversing with Jesus. "To Him alone could I open my heart."
Soon "a sweet peace inundated my soul and I knew that I was loved" even though I could not love myself because of the scruples. From 2010 onwards subconsciously I loved talking to Jesus. From 2018 onwards I started writing down my conversations with Jesus. Till then it was at the heart level.
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