7 March

7 March is yet another memorable day of my life. 

It was on this day in 2003 that we shifted to a house of our own at Mira Road. So today we complete 20 years of living at Mira Road. 

Last year, today is the day that I first witnessed my Carmel Peace. Though I didn't realize and couldn't recognize it immediately, it made me feel that I had witnessed and known it before. Though I kept wondering about this feeling and wondered more and more throughout the week, I still could not fully decipher it. It was so puzzlingly familiar. But instinctively I  knew that I had seen and known this Peace even though I was seeing it for the first time in my life. There was something so familiar about it.

That's why I would like to write about what I was going through when I met hubby to be on 4 March 1999. As I wrote in my post, I wasn't at all interested in him on that day. I was at the lowest point in my life as I was still reeling under the pain of the one-sided heartbreak in November 1998 and joblessness since January 1999. I was broke - mentally and financially - and so did not want to invite any more unnecessary hassles into my life. So I tried to maintain a distance. 

I managed to do so till mid-June of that year. Then I got a decent job in an upcoming dotcom wherein I had to provide content on movies and music. I took up the job gladly because I needed it and as my life had always been influenced by movies and music. 

Then one day I contacted my hubby-to-be for content. He said he was ready to share the content but as he had a lot to share, I had to meet him. So I agreed to meet him. And as they say, the rest is history - we met, he proposed and I could not say no - I suppose because I was tired of life - tired of running my life single-handedly - without any hopes of meeting my South Indian Prince Charming anywhere - tired of my insecurities - and extremely scared of my future! 

And so I decided to move on in my life without the love of the one I loved the most - that unknown unseen Prince Charming who was taking an eternity to make himself known and seen to me. 

Thus it was on 19 June 1999 that I decided to move on without him - I kept moving on with my shattered dreams and kept making blunders for the next 23 years.......I hoped and thought that I had forgotten all about him.......

So to digress from this topic, it is my blog's birthday 🎉 today. I have not called it by any particular name but sometimes I have addressed it as Motu - so happy birthday Motu II. I made you on 7 March 2010 and started blogging the next day - so you are 13 years old today - you have entered your teens!🤭 We had newly shifted to Durgapur when I turned 13 - what a torturous 13 it was with those feelings of ugliness even though I managed to purchase a denim skirt and red top wear and red heels - but I still could not shake off the feeling of looking a weird 13-year-old.🙃

Mangalore Didn't Exist😬

At that point in my life, I did not even know about the existence of a place called Mangalore!😬 I have always been amazed at the fact that till my active participation in the church, from the last decade or so, I didn't even know that there was a place in Karnataka by the name of Mangalore. 

In my childhood holidays, I went to places like Bangalore and Mysore in Karnataka, but I didn't know about Mangalore. I had never heard of this place. Also while in Goa, I did not know that I was so close to a place with which I will fall in love at the fag end of my life.🤭 I knew about the language Konkani and always thought that only the Goans spoke Konkani. Well, that's what I studied in geography. All my expeditions with the Atlas never took me to Mangalore.🤭

So it was only in the last ten years or so that I came to know about Mangalore and the Mangalorean Catholics. And how the Catholics differentiated between the two! But honestly speaking, even to me, now the Mangalorean Konkani is more soothing to the ears than the Goan version!😍

So if I did not know about the existence of Mangalore, how could I know that they could also be considered south Indians? After all, it's in Karnataka and Karnataka is in the south of India and the official language is Kannada. But I was ignorant of this fact and missed them out as South Indians. 

For me, a Malayali was typical south Indian and thus I learned certain words and phrases in Malayali to express my love for my Prince Charming!😄 As written earlier I hated Bengalis and never wanted to marry them. All I had in mind was a Malayali as my Prince Charming with whom I would eat idlis and dosas all the days of my life.😄This was the sole desire of the heart.🤭❤️🤭

Since my little geographical knowledge did not know of the existence of Mangalore, I also did not know that even Mangaloreans eat idlis and dosas - sannas and neer dosas - and various other similar south Indiana dishes. 

When I loved the kasavu and wore them during the OCDS Novem Jevonn, did my heart not feel sentimental in that traditional saree? When I loved to eat vorn did I not feel good? I never knew that I would be so sentimental about Mangalore and everything Mangalorean.🤗

Just the way I was about Bhilai and Durgapur!

Did I miss out on something beautiful? Oh yes, as always, a loser in the matter of the heart!

4 March 1999

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today is the day, 24 years ago, that I landed in hubby's office after a long struggle with the local train strike that was called that day due to the water shortage. Under normal circumstances, I would have cancelled this appointment but I was jobless at that time. This one freelance appointment meant one assignment of money and I just couldn't afford to lose it. So I made sure to complete this assignment.

Thus, frustrated with the happenings of the day, I landed at hubby's office in the evening and I did not like it at all when he tried to be over-friendly with me. The fact is that I did not like him at all.😬 I was 22, jobless, and frustrated by being rejected again by someone a few months back.😥 And so, I was not at all interested in those over-friendly gestures made by to-be-hubby. I just kept ignoring him and his overtures!😕

So when he gave me his business card to keep in touch with him, I very happily and conveniently forgot about it for almost the next two and a half months until I got a job and had to build my contacts for content.😜 It was then that I thought of contacting him.😜

But you know everything, Lord. You need not be told all this but I am writing to you to make me feel good. It was you who planned everything so that we both could love each other - I could love you the way you always loved me.🤗 You wanted me to love myself because you were seeing me struggle with my life without the support of my family. You felt pity for me because the years 1996 to 1999 were some of the most difficult years of my life. I was struggling alone and making a lot of mistakes in my quest for Prince Charming who was nowhere in sight. In vain was I searching for him in all the wrong places without knowing his exact location. I searched for him in all the wrong places. 

So you called me to you to show me the correct location - like the GPS you wanted to take me to the exact location of my happiness and Peace - and then you showed me my Peace in Carmel after many many years of struggle. You made me realize that my true happiness and Peace were already in Carmel - I didn't have to look anywhere else - Carmel was the final destination of my life - my Peace was always in Carmel and so I didn't have to look at the wrong places anymore for the wrong Peace and happiness.☺️ 

First Friday of the Month

Dear DLL Jesus,

I know Lord you don't judge us or bless us by what we eat or don't eat, but by the intentions of our hearts! Nevertheless, the heart has the intention to keep the First Friday of the Month Fast, as per the OCDS statutes, and this is what I ate just now - zucchini, cherry tomatoes and green peas sauteed in salt and pepper!🤭

And about the intention of the heart I already made known to you Lord in the morning! So may the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my DLL and Beloved Heavenly Spouse!💖

There's another thing that I want to write to you about after going through today's memories on Facebook. It is about JC's Tutorials that I launched in January 2021. I struggled so much for it to survive but it just died down. Perhaps it was not the plan you had for me. I struggled for exactly two months and then you gave me the idea of starting Nainen - the woman. And I have seen your blessings on NAINEN right from day one. Every time I am tempted to close it, you create a miracle and I keep going on with it. It will be completing two years in May.🤗 Thank you so much, Lord! Again nothing but gratitude!🙏

Contemplative Walks

Dear DLL Jesus,

These are the verses from the responsorial psalm that have touched my heart today since the time I heard it during the Mass. Then the opening lines of the communion hymn were also these so they managed to touch me all the more. Thus while walking back home from the church I was humming these verses and contemplating them. My contemplative prayer to you made me realize that in vain am I praying for this friendship. It made me realize that if it was such a worldly friendship that was required, no one would have left the pleasures of the world to seek friendship with you. It is your friendship that is of utmost importance and so I should not yearn for any other kind of friendship. I contemplated that I too should learn how to give up the pleasures of the world and seek only your friendship. I should not be a hindrance to your little ones in their friendship with you. Thus I prayed to be kept away from these little ones and these little ones from me as I am also a little one of yours. So Lord please help this little one of yours to be away from the snares of the world and seek refuge and friendship only with you. When I asked how to do this, you made me realize that with prayer everything is possible. So Lord, with a determined determination like St. Teresa of Avila, on this first Friday of the month and Friday of Lent, let me be your faithful friend. My today's intention is not to be a hindrance to any of your little ones no matter who they are - let me not be the cause of anyone's hindrance. I pray that I too can stay away from all hindrances and pray unceasingly for all the little ones to not falter in their friendship with you. Let us all empty ourselves and live in nothingness like our Father St. John of the Cross. 

My walks back home are turning out to be contemplative ones wherein I am reflecting on the verses and humming the hymns I hear during the Mass. No wonder then there is Great Silence in Carmel from the Compline till breakfast when one is urged to be quiet. Even at Ryshivana, we were asked to be quiet during breakfast and speak only to the Lord. How wonderful are these primitive rules, Lord! The silence in the heart works wonders for the soul - indeed how refreshing! How carefully all these rules have been written and are adhered to.

Today I completed one week of saying the Lauds in the church and then attending the Mass after that. It feels heavenly as I see the long-cherished desire of my heart getting fulfilled each day.😇 Thank you so much my darling Jesus!😍 Nothing but gratitude!🙏

My Diamond 💎

Dear DLL Jesus,

In the loving memory of Motu, I did a lot of constructive work today - for both the magazines - Jewellers Gallery as well as Nainen - the woman. The March edition of NAINEN  is ready except for the table of content - I managed to get 46 pages for this edition even though I had given up hope and stopped chasing content. So this is nothing but a sheer miracle by you to carry on with my magazine. I can't thank you enough, my Lord.

I hope you create a miracle in my heart also so that it forgets about the debacle of the past 9 months - how I wish to go through a memory loss to live a cheerful life. Will my life be the same again? On the contrary, I think I don't want it to be that way because something eviler could befall me. So I thank you for my present state of mind and heart - thank you for what I am going through as I don't want to fall into anything unknown and ruin myself. 

After all, have I not made enough mistakes in my life? I don't want to make the same mistakes and go through the same stupidities again. This is the best - my quest for the best - my promised land - is here. I am in my promised land and so, let me enjoy the beauty of my promised land and not wander off in the dark wilderness all over again. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you, my Lord and my God - you saved the best for the last!🤗 If you had to show me the best in the beginning I am sure to have rejected it for worldly charm and warmth - after all, was I not influenced by the glitter of Bollywood? Always comparing. Now I know why you did not show me my promised land then - I would have rejected the rustic simplicity - I could not recognize the beauty of the uncut rough natural diamond amid the false glitter of the polished conflict diamonds! I needed a new perspective in life to appreciate the magnificence of the diamond. And I fully appreciate it now!!!🤗 And I thank you for my beautiful diamond💎 - the peace of my heart ❤️

That Evening.......

Dear DLL Jesus,

It was most probably in September 2011 that I finally called you in despair and you answered me and increased the strength of my soul. Yes Lord, even though unfortunately, I don't remember the exact date of that day, I do remember very well that it was a September evening in 2011. I had just returned from work and I was sitting in despair in the master bedroom. I looked at your crucifix that we had then above the library and I cried a lot. While crying I was murmuring the words, "I can't take it anymore." I kept crying and murmuring those words. 

I am sure that I had finally responded to your call. I was given the strength to carry on and I have kept responding to you since then. And when I heard these verses in the morning I was reminded of that evening in September 2011. 

To digress from this, Facebook memories are telling me that Motu's birthday is today and not on 2 August. This means that I wrote wrong in my blog post of 2 August. How could I make such a big mistake? But Facebook is correct because Motu was a Pisces ♓ a water sign like me. Now I remember well. I think that 2 August was the birthday of my second diary that I made most probably in 1997. Not too sure about this too. 

I don't know what is wrong with my memory - why can't I remember at least the birthdays of my diaries?😥 The second diary's name was NICEY. But I hardly wrote in that because I could not connect with it the way I had connected with MOTU. I loved Motu more than Nicey. Teddu🧸was still around. Now all three are missing and I miss them a lot. I have lost all that was close to my heart - somehow could not preserve them.😥 Even my Peace, my Prince Charming - never found him at the right time even after searching so much - I consoled myself by thinking that he was never been born!🐻😥

To come back to where I started, I give thanks to you Lord for the merciful love and faithfulness that you have shown to me since that evening in September 2011. 

And a very happy birthday to my Motu - how I wish I at least had an image of him.😥 That's the disadvantage of the 1990s - I have a lot of memories but no photographs.😥