International Media Partnership

Dear DLL Jesus,

It was only one day ago that I wrote to you that I will be closing my magazine because of a lack of content and enthusiasm, and today I got an international media partnership for a beauty pageant!😇🙏😇

Every time I am demotivated and decide to close down, you create a miracle, Lord! I am so very convinced that you don't want me to give up! So I will not give up, Lord! I will carry on with my magazine Nainen - the woman because you want me to. I will go ahead with your plans for it and not my human plans.

The show will go on!!!🙏🤗🙏

Thank you my darling Heavenly Spouse!♥️

I ❤️ my Temptation

"The theme of embracing our weakness so that we may depend totally on God is one that is typically Carmelite."

And so my dear DLL Jesus, my Heavenly Spouse, I would like to embrace my Weakness, my biggest temptation, so that I may totally depend on you, my Lord and my God. I wrote the above in 2020 and today when I am reminded about it again, I would like to do this because I have grown more in my understanding of the Carmelite way of life in the past three years.😇

Today is the first Sunday of Lent and the gospel tells us about the three temptations of Jesus. In fact, when I woke up in the morning, I woke up with the words that told me that these distances are to keep the temptations at bay. There is an equal amount of fervour at both ends and that's why this distance - to keep away all unnecessary hassles. 

So during the consecration in the Holy Mass, Lord, I asked for strength from you - so that we can keep control of our temptations. But I prayed that my temptation is not taken away from me as I want to make it my strength to totally depend on you, Lord! Let my temptation increase so that no new temptation comes my way. I thanked you for my temptation just as the great saints thanked you for their afflictions. Now I understand why they did that - they wanted to be dependent on you - I too want to be totally dependent on you!

I thank you for my temptation and pray for my temptation to remain with me. I pray for it to keep increasing with each passing moment so that my temptation is all I have to keep growing in my love for you. I love my temptation - I want it forever remain in my heart!

I ❤️ Mangalore

Today when I went through my Facebook memories, it reminded me of the days in 2020 when I used to sleep in instalments as I went for 6:15 am Holy Mass. I would sleep as I had nothing to do after Googaa went to college, Goldie went to school and Dodo went to his office. I would sleep because I did not have any professional commitments. 

I would sleep and dream and write about those dreams. I did that today also. I slept🤗 and while sleeping thought of this dream I had seen on this same day in 2020. In my dreams, I always see beautiful houses. I still love houses and when I was thinking about this dream, the houses of Mangalore started floating in my eyes. Houses like Raj Nivas are so beautiful. I realized how much I love Mangalore. I find Goa very boring but I love Mangalore. I am quite sentimental about Mangalore now the way I was sentimental about Bhilai and Durgapur. I am not sentimental about these two places anymore. I was never sentimental about Vasai. But somehow so very sentimental about Mangalore for obvious reasons. A piece of Carmel Peace!♥️

Married to my Bestie🤗♥️🤗

For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name.......(Isaiah 54:5)

Thank you so much, Lord! Yes, you are my Heavenly Spouse.🥰 I am your bride 💞 I am married to my bestie, my best friend, and there cannot be anything as beautiful and as amazing as this!!!🤗 

Thanks for that voice last night - I see you from a different aspect now.😍 Thank you so much for putting all my doubts on the back burner. But one thing is for sure - I will not read the books of women saints as their writings always manage to awaken doubts about my love for you. It happened in 2018 also and that's why I had stopped reading books written by and written about women saints. They always address you as their Spouse. "Oh, My spouse" and all that.😬 

So I will stop again as I can't bear this.😥 I am jealous and thus I will stick to reading St. John of the Cross and a few other special books that are written by some special people close to my heart.💖

Not again - I am done with women saints!!!🙃

PS: As I have already finished reading the 'special part' of the book, and am not sure when the second book will be published, I will go back to reading CARMEL AND BIBLE. It has to be completed before I take up a new one. 

I am that Sinner

Thank you my dear DLL Jesus for coming to call this sinner!🙏😥🙏 Because last night when I went to sleep happily after reading and writing eight chapters of the book SOS, something whispered to me that I am just a wildflower that is pushing itself in vain through the recesses of Carmel.😥 It said that there are no recesses in Carmel and I can't get inside without the watchful eyes of the Gardener. The Gardener will not allow such a wildflower to grow amidst the other beautiful flowers. The voice told me that I should not compete with them as they are of the highest order and I am of the third order. So I should remember my place and not thrive to be where I don't belong. I cried a lot when it said that I am just an ordinary friend of yours and the Little Flower is the spouse. There can be no comparison between a friend and a spouse as there can be many friends but only one spouse. I cried bitterly when I heard this. I am again crying while writing this.😥 The voice managed to plant the seeds of doubt in my head but I knew who it was. I felt like Eve alone in the garden of Eden. I realized that just because I am trying to be good by reading the inspirational life of the Little Flower such doubts are been planted in my head and heart. I cried for almost four hours before falling asleep. 

I thought I will not be able to wake up early to go to church. But you made it possible for me. Thank you so much, Lord! So when I reached for the Lauds in a sombre state of mind, you gave me your words of love and assurance in the Canticle taken from Ezekiel 36: 24 - 28. 

I will take you away from among the nations, gather you from all the lands, and bring you back to your own soil.

I will sprinkle clean water over you to make you clean; from all your impurities and from all your idols I will cleanse you.

I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.

I will put my spirit within you so that you walk in my statutes, observe my ordinances, and keep them.

You will live in the land I gave to your ancestors; you will be my people, and I will be your God.

Immediately I got my answer and all my doubts vanished. I was assured of your love for me.😥 Then you doubled your love and assurance through the words in the Gospel according to St. Luke 5: 32 (image attached). I was in tears and thanked you for your words of love.💕 

So what if I am not your spouse, I will always love you as my friend. I need you because you have come to call me, the sinner. When I was living a life of darkness it was you who called me to your everlasting light. You always knew me right from my mother's womb. I did not know you but you always knew me. Thank you for knowing me and calling me. I am privileged to be on your friend list. I will forever be grateful for your friendship. So what if I can not be your spouse? 

But wait a minute, are you not my heavenly spouse? I am sure you are. I will do some concrete research on this and come back soon.🤗 Meanwhile I will not read SOS anymore before I get solid proof of being your spouse.🤗

Chapter 8

In this chapter, I would just like to copy the quotes from the book - the quotes which I feel have been written for me:

1) I believe quite simply that it is Jesus himself, hidden in my poor heart, Who is mysteriously at work inspiring me from hour to hour with whatever He wishes me to do.

2) I had the unspeakable joy of receiving Holy Communion every day. It was indeed a sweet grace.

3) I had not sought this favour, but it brought me untold happiness to be united day after day to Him Whom my soul loved. 

4) He has shown the same mercy to me as to King Solomon. All my desires have been satisfied.......

5) .......drew my soul more closely to Him and made me see that He alone is unchangeable, that He alone can fill the vast abyss of my desires. 

6) .......in the least things, as in the greatest, God gives a hundredfold, even in this world, to those who have left all things for the love of Him.

7) always guiding and inspiring me.

8) .......He takes into account our weaknesses and knows so well the frailty of our nature.

9) at every moment God's merciful love renews and purifies me, cleansing my soul from all traces of sin. 

And my most favourite one:

10) He would not inspire me with the desires I feel, were He not willing to fulfil them.

What an inspiration to keep desiring!!!

Like the Little Flower, this Little Rebel or the Little Wild Flower, too has received much spiritual light through the works of St. John of the Cross. Like her, all other spiritual authors have left me cold. "However beautiful and touching a book may be, my heart does not respond and I read without understanding, or if I understand I cannot meditate".

For this Little Wild Flower too, "the Holy Scriptures are of the greatest assistance". She too "finds in them a hidden manna, pure and genuine. It is from the Gospels however that I derive most help in the time of prayer; I find in their pages all that my poor soul needs, and I am always discovering there new lights and hidden mysterious meanings".

To conclude:

"How sweet is the way of Love! True, one may fall and be unfaithful to grace, but Love knows how to draw profit from everything, and quickly consumes whatever may be displeasing to our Lord, leaving in the heart only a deep and humble peace".

Chapter 7 - Carmel At Last

Carmel at last 

Thursday, December 3, 2015, was the day chosen for me to enter Carmel. I have written about this in more than one post in the last few years.

Like the Little Flower, even in my case "our Lord Himself has always worked as my spiritual guide. It is only two months now that I have officially taken Fr. Nitesh as my spiritual guide. I don't know for how long he will be my guide as the XV Provincial Chapter is to take place this year. 

One thing that I have learned as a lay Carmelite is that "Jesus does not disclose everything at once to souls, but as a rule gives His light little by little". There are so many things that he has disclosed to me during my conversations with him and then there are so many questions that still remain unanswered. He has disrupted so many of my plans at the last moment for his plans to succeed. He has dealt with me patiently. He has taught me a lot of lessons and humbled me to keep me grounded in his love. He has taught me that it is his love I need the most in my life as a Carmelite and no matter how much I love the idea of being on the other side of the Cloistered convent, my responsibility to my family is my vocation. I can love him dearly from anywhere in the world. The Lord has taught me humility through my superiors. 

Though the Little Flower wrote these lines upon entering Carmel, for me it is how I feel now: 

"my soul is filled with so deep a peace that it baffles all attempts at description".

Chapter 6

In this chapter, the Little Flower writes about her pilgrimage to Rome. Well, it is yet another desire of my heart to go on a pilgrimage to the holy land but I don't know when and how it will be fulfilled as it is expensive. 

But in this chapter of my life, I would like to write about my two visits to the Infant Jesus shrine in Mangalore - one in October 2022 and the second in February 2023. I have already written at length about my feelings on my first visit. There are certain expressions that I would like to quote from the chapter though. Like "I can never tell you what I felt at the shrine" and "I was filled with happiness and peace". This is what happened to me as well - I was overwhelmed and can never explain how I feel at the Infant Jesus shrine. I am mesmerized!

When she writes "emotion overwhelmed me when I realized that I was indeed beneath the very roof......" I can feel the same. This is what happened to me at the shrine - I had always seen the shrine in the photos and on YouTube and when I found myself standing under the roof of the shrine, my heart was overwhelmed. I couldn't believe that I was on the holy premises of the shrine. I clicked photos for memory's sake and drank into the beauty of the shrine. "I was gazing at the same walls" and "was treading the ground" which I always saw on YouTube. 

Also my one-week stay at Ryshivana. "What good all those marvellous beauties of nature did to my soul, lifting to God". 

"How sweet are all these memories!"

"How can I describe the feelings which thrilled me as I gazed on the Coliseum?" For me the Infant Jesus shrine and the glass chapel at Ryshivana.

"At last, my eyes beheld......."

Another thing I would like to write from this chapter is the reverence she had for the holy priests. "Despite the sublime dignity of the Priesthood which raises them above the angels, they still remain men and subject to human frailty". This I understood way back in 2018 when I was deeply planted in the soil of Carmel as a secular Carmelite. Thus I keep them in holy reverence and distance myself from people who have anything negative to say about them. As the President of St. Elizabeth of the Trinity community, I will be praying for the entire Carmelite Order during the Lenten season. Like her, I say "how beautiful is our vocation". 

"We Carmelites are called upon to preserve 'the salt of the earth to offer our prayers and sacrifices for the apostles of the Lord, to be their apostles".

I conclude this chapter by writing what the Little Flower writes: "Have we not a noble mission to fulfil? But I must say no more on this subject, or my pen would run on for ever".

Chapter 5

Chapter 5 tells us about the vocation of Therese. 

Here I would like to write about how I too "had a constant and ardent desire to advance in virtue" from 2010 onwards. Like the Little Flower, "I (too) received the priceless grace of my complete conversion". Though I did not pray for criminal Pranzini, I was no longer the same - Jesus was transforming me. Like the Little Flower, it was "the most beautiful" phase of my life - "the most filled with heavenly favours". 

My heart was "kindled with new fires of zeal" and I started involving myself in the church. To begin with, I became the animator of my cluster in 2010 itself. This continued till the desire to be a Sunday school catechist crept into my heart in 2012. On the last day of the Bible studies when I was given my certificate, I expressed to my parish priest the desire to be a catechist. So when the new academic year began in June 2012, I was made a catechist for the Confirmation candidates. I was overwhelmed but took it up obediently. Then in November of the same year, I became an Extraordinary Minister of the Holy Communion because of one ailing uncle in my cluster who could not attend church. I started to get him homebound communion. 

Though I taught the Confirmation students for three years honestly it was a little difficult for me. So when in 2014 I was allowed to teach Std VII, I happily took it up. Since then I have been teaching Std VII and I continue to be an EMHC. I have given up being an animator because I am unable to handle people. 

So to be a catechist, like the Little Flower, I "developed a passionate desire for learning". Like her "not satisfied with the lessons of my mistresses", I took up to know more about everything. And "in a few months learned more than I had done in my whole" RCIA classes. "I yearned to love Jesus passionately" and "in those moments many precious graces were bestowed upon me". But "I had to pass through many a trial" to "sit down under His shadow whom I desired". These trials continue today as well as the Lord keeps testing my love for him. Every day I am faced with his pruning hook. Every day I fail him and every day I apologize for my failure. But as always the Lord continues to be patient with this sinner of His.

In this chapter, the Little Flower writes about her desire to enter Carmel at the age of fourteen and a half. When I was fourteen and a half I did not even know about Jesus leave knowing about Carmel. I first heard of Carmel in 2013 at the age of say 36. At the age when she desired to enter Carmel I lived in a place called Durgapur in West Bengal and played with my pink and white teddy bear which I had bought in 1990. She desired to enter Carmel and I desired to play with my Teddu and get married to my Prince Charming and have a daughter. The idea of marriage and a family always overshadowed all the fascinations of my life. I fantasized about getting married and having a beautiful family. It was the topmost desire. A home and a hearth of my own were all that I desired the most.

So when hubby said I want to marry a girl like you, I could not resist him. He reminded me of that home and that hearth of my own. 

That's why when my father refused to give his consent for the marriage, the Little Rebel revolted. If the Little Flower faced hindrances to entering Carmel, the Little Rebel faced hindrances to entering matrimony. My father refused to sign the marriage affidavit wherein it was written that I would convert to Christianity. He was against this and so I removed that point itself from the affidavit. It was then that he signed. And the moment he signed my marriage affidavit I scrambled as fast as I could to hand it over to hubby who in turn gave it to the lawyer. 

Like the Little Flower, I remember meeting the Bishop at the Bishop's house in Colaba where we were summoned for an interview before our marriage. 

Chapter Four - First Communion

In this chapter, the Little Flower writes about her First Communion and the preparations she made to receive it with the most reverence piety and acts of charity. 

But this Little Rebel prepared with resentment. Like her, I too attended a retreat. Thankfully I remember it because it was during this retreat we were told that we could not celebrate any of our previous festivals. This retreat was conducted most probably at Bandra Retreat Centre during the Diwali weekend in 2000. So I was upset with the fact that I could not celebrate my favourite Diwali. My blood boiled but somehow I could not do anything about it.

Hubby and I made this retreat as the parishioners of the IC Church. I met two candidates representing the St. Joseph's church, Mira Road. I remember them proudly telling me about their beautiful church and how the big Cross could be seen right from the road outside. I just listened to them talk. Little did I know then that within a year I too would join them as one of the parishioners of St. Joseph's church and I too would be proud of the beautiful church. 

But how I wish I could be a little better prepared for this retreat and my First Communion. I neither read any useful books nor did any acts of charity - all I did was feel resented.

Though I loved reading I read random books. I was a careless reader indulging myself in careless reading which could not leave good impressions on my soul. I read anything and everything I could lay my hands on. Some of my serious readings included the Atlas and the dictionary. 

It was later in 2010 that I took to reading the Bible seriously while doing my Bible studies. I had tried reading the Bible before also but I used to read it casually to pass my time. I had two Bibles - one pocket Bible given to me by my father-in-law and one big Bible gifted by my RCIA sponsor. I still read from this big Bible.

I used to read the pocket Bible while travelling to work on the train just as I would read any other book. The bigger Bible I started reading soon after my baptism. In June 2001, while I was expecting my first child, I slipped on the stairs of Mira Road station. It was the pre-monsoon rains and the stairs were wet. During those days Mira Road was an open-air station. So I skipped one wet stair and came tumbling down. I came back home crying. So hubby stopped me from going to work and urged me to stay at home. 

It was then that I started reading the big Bible in the afternoons. I noted down the verses I could understand easily. Those verses are still with me and are still close to my heart. l still like them. I also read the Bible to search for names starting from J. I searched Jemimah from the book of Job and decided that if we get a girl child we would name her Jemimah. That's how we named Jemimah Jemimah. And if it was a boy, we would have named him Jarvis. I don't know where I found this name but fortunately, we don't have a Jarvis.

Coming back to my First Communion, it was during the Easter Vigil in 2001 and unlike the Little Flower it was not at all a day of happiness for me. Unlike her, I didn't know the purpose of my birth and did not have any desire of becoming a Saint. I wasn't aware of all this. I did not know anything about becoming a new person in Christ. So when hubby said something about becoming a new person after my baptism, I just looked at him. I smiled so that he did not feel bad. But I felt bad about the fact that the people who had pushed me into getting baptized were not with us. There was no feast and no gifts for me. We just cut a cake on Easter morning.

And like the Little Flower I always found bitterness in all my earthly friendships. Even in the latest one. During my childhood, I had so many friends but today I resent the thought of making friends as bitterness is what I get in return. I am sure this happens because Jesus is the only true friend that I need. Just like St. Mary Magdalene mentioned in this chapter, Jesus called me too as he had come to call all sinners. Even though I did not know him he knew me and kept waiting for me patiently. 

His patience started working on me in 2010 when I took up Bible studies. Like the Little Flower, I too "fell prey to scruples" and I too "remained in this unhappy state for nearly two years". Like the Little Flower, "it is not possible for me to describe all the sufferings it entailed" and "every thought, every action, even the simplest, was a source of trouble and anguish; no peace came to me". 

It was then that I gave up all shallow reading and read only the Bible. The more I read, the more I felt "the first embrace of Jesus". "It was indeed an embrace of love. I felt that I was loved" - how true it is for me as well. Like the Little Flower, since I did not have an earthly friend, without my knowledge, Jesus started becoming my friend. Since I could not confide myself to anyone, unconsciously I started speaking with Jesus and "found my one consolation". Like the Little Flower, the Little Rebel started conversing with Jesus. "To Him alone could I open my heart."

Soon "a sweet peace inundated my soul and I knew that I was loved" even though I could not love myself because of the scruples. From 2010 onwards subconsciously I loved talking to Jesus. From 2018 onwards I started writing down my conversations with Jesus. Till then it was at the heart level.

Pauline Enters Carmel

Chapter 3 - Pauline Enters Carmel 

In this chapter, the Little Flower narrates her life as an eight and half years old. Her elder sister Pauline had entered the Carmel and because of this, the Little Flower had fallen sick. 

I  don't remember falling sick but I remember entering the house of a Christian for the first time in my life. I too must have been eight years old and there was this girl, older than me, I don't know by how many years. I had a friend circle of a few girls older than me and who liked me. She too liked me and I guess I too liked her genuinely. There were no pretences at that age - I either liked or disliked a person - no in-between. So the liking was mutual and everyone called her Jassi. But now I feel that she must have been Jessy. So Jessy invited me to her home for Christmas and made sure that I visited her house. She kept telling me about it again and again.

So I took my dad's permission to visit her house on Christmas morning. I dressed up in my best attire and dad instructed me to wish her Merry Christmas as soon as I entered her home. I think I took a Christmas card as well. So I entered her house and handed over the card to her but did not wish her. I shamelessly ate all that was placed before me but till the time I left her home I did not wish her. Either I was shy or embarrassed - I just couldn't say the two words Merry Christmas. I left in a hurry as I could not handle the situation anymore. I don't remember anything after that except that she had a few brothers older than her. I think one of them was introduced to me and because of that, I was uncomfortable in their house. I just wanted to escape. I did escape but I don't know what happened after that. I fail to remember.

Thus it was the first time that I had entered a Christian house and I wasn't comfortable. I was never comfortable in the presence of Priests and Nuns also. Something in them scared me. While writing this I wonder if it was the holiness about them that scared the little devil in me. The Little Rebel that I was, I am sure now that the blessed Trinity residing in them must have recognized my unholy childhood. Thus I must have been apprehensive of my unholiness and it scared me. I was like this until the time I met Fr. Alfonso, the then-editor of the magazine THE TEENAGER TODAY for which I started writing in 1999. 

I had no idea who Mother Mary was though I had heard about Jesus Christ whose birthday was celebrated on 25 December and because of that we got a holiday in school. The same goes for Good Friday because of which we got an extra holiday. But my dad bought a cake for the family on account of Christmas.

To digress from the topic, unlike the Little Flower, I was not an intelligent eight years old child. I was weak in my studies, especially in Mathematics, and how much I used to cry and get beaten by my dad while memorizing the multiplication tables. I just couldn't do it and the terror of sitting with him during his drinking sessions kicked the daylight out of me. I was petrified to death and sometimes could not control my urge to wet my pants. I got more shouting for doing that. 

My dad wanted me to be a teacher and loved it when I taught my invisible students after coming back from school. I wrote down that day's lessons on the doors and window panes. I couldn't and didn't want to wipe them until he had seen them after coming back from his office. 

All these happened till 1988 when we were in Bhilai and I had not entered my teenage years. Though weak in studies I was good at extracurricular activities and sports. I was over-enthusiastic about them and tried to participate in as many activities as I could free of cost. I backed out wherever the money was involved. Such was my life in the first 12 years of my existence on Earth. To top it off, I could hardly speak English. I developed this through regular reading and writing which I was picking up during the late 1980s. I had developed a liking for reading, thanks to my dad, and I still remember the name of the library from where he borrowed books for reading. Its name was APNA PUSTAKALAYA (our library).

So the Little Rebel had one of the most unholy childhood, unlike the Little Flower.

A Non-Catholic Household

Chapter 2 - A Catholic Household 

Unlike the Little Flower, I grew up in a non-Catholic household which lacked the warmth and love that she so fondly writes about. To begin with, I had a strict upbringing under an equally strict father. Even though he was an ex-Indian Air Force sergeant (voluntary retirement in 1975) he tried to impose the Air Force rules on us all - his wife and three children. He was an alcoholic who would drown himself in his drinks every evening after coming back from work - now he was a mechanical engineer at HSCL but behaved as if still in the IAF. We were terrified of him - unlike Little Flower, neither I nor anyone of us ever sat on his lap or knees - his mere sight was frightening enough. So we all maintained our distance from him - even my mom. But we used to face dire consequences if anyone was found doing anything wrong - he had strong ethics, unlike my mom. She didn't reprimand us if we stole mangoes or guavas from the neighbour's trees and thus we had to finish them before evening so that dad could not find us eating them. We could not lie to him about how we had got those. We were scared of lying to him because he somehow came to know the truth. I am still a bad liar - all thanks to him.

But he had a rare vulnerable side as well which he showed me from time to time. But it was all before I reached my teens - from my teenage years, his malicious drunken side took precedence. He started turning into a terror because of which I kept revolting against him. I did exactly what he told me not to do.

But before that, he wasn't all that terrifying. I remember so well how he made me list down twelve gifts for my 12th birthday. I was surprised and happy that he would buy me all the 12 gifts I would write down. So I took a lot of effort to list down the 12 things and I remember getting them all. But unfortunately, I don't remember what I had written on the paper with the pen he had given me - I just remember the doll and the Chinese pen which was so expensive and in vogue at that time. He taught me to tighten the cap on the pen itself so that it could not be lost. I still do that - this habit has left a great impression on me.

Another vulnerable aspect of my dad that I still remember is his laughter when I coyly admired his clean-shaven face. He was laughing aloud when I said that I liked his clean-shaven look - I liked him because he was clean-shaven. Was there a twinkle in his eyes and did I rub my face against his face? I don't know. But how I wish I could remember because it is his clean-shaven looks that I searched for in my Prince  Charming as well. The ones with beards and moustaches have been a put-off right from my childhood. I rejected them on the spot. The reason I accepted when hubby proposed was because he was cleanly shaven which gave him quite a decent look.

My dad also bought fruits while coming back from work. He used to tie them in his big handkerchief and hang it on the handle of the Yezdi motorcycle. He washed the grapes to give me while studying in the evening.

These are some of the fond memories of my father before his drinks made him hostile towards us. The more he dominated the more we rebelled against him. My mom too was not much support as she was not able to show much affection - lesser than my dad also - I don't have any fond memories of her from my childhood days because she found me ugly and was not able to show me any real affection. She was not too proud of me and found my cousins prettier than me and thus petted them more than me. I was her constant embarrassment and my little mind was able to fathom that. She had cut my hair like the boys and made me wear boys' shoes to school. I couldn't do anything about it because I had no option. I was constantly made fun of for my looks and hair and my clothes and even my name. I lived in a perpetual inferiority complex mode. Not being good in studies worsened the situation. 

My elder brothers lived their lives and thus I kept making friendships outside of my home and jumped from one friendship to the other. Sometimes it led to the wrong people but I couldn't confide in anyone at home as it lacked love.

As I said in the beginning, I grew up in a non-Catholic household wherein I did not know the Lord till I got baptized in April 2001. As I was forced into Christianity by my mother-in-law after marriage, as a sign of my rebelliousness, I hardly attended the RCIA classes on Sunday evenings. I found excuses not to attend. Moreover, I conceived my first child in December 2000 and stopped going altogether because of mood swings and nausea. I had trouble with finding godparents as well. So I secretly wished that I not be given baptism based on my absenteeism. But the formalities were carried out and I was baptized during the Easter vigil on 15 April 2001. I wasn't at all happy because no one except hubby was with me. Mother-in-law had fought with us and thrown us out of the house on Maundy Thursday. This was the second time of been thrown out of their house. They were very proud of their house - they still are!

So I had cryingly called up the couple in the RCIA who was heading the ministry and were good to me. Immediately they told me to stay with them till my baptism. We were relieved. I still remember their kindness. Now I realize that they lived their faith. 

Thus coming from a non-Catholic household I didn't know the importance of Sundays and the first confession that the Little Flower writes about in Chapter 2. My first confession was done most casually to a priest named Fr. Hugh Fonseca of the Immaculate Conception Church, I C Colony, Borivali. As I had played truant in my RCIA classes I did not know the importance of confession and wondered why I had to confess my sins to a priest. Nevertheless, I obliged to it and remember feeling light after it. I did not know the what and why of the confessions but I did because l liked Fr. Hugh. He was soft-spoken and had advised us to do our marriage preparation course and he was the one who celebrated our wedding Mass along with another priest. So I quite liked Fr. Hugh for his soft-spokenness. But he succumbed to depression and is no more. May the Lord give him peace and may his soul rest in peace! 

Again coming back to my non-Catholic upbringing, I was forced to pray to all sorts of gods and goddesses. I did not do it sincerely because I could not connect to them - I wondered why so many gods and goddesses. I was told that some dire thing would happen to me if I did not do certain things to certain gods and goddesses. So I rebelled there too and did not carry out certain devotions to check whether something dire would happen to me. But I loved Diwali because of the rangoli and the lights and would spend hours amid the colourful rangoli and lights. I did not like it when I was told during the RCIA classes that I could not celebrate it. So for many years, I did not celebrate Diwali until the catechist training course's intensive week during Diwali 2015. We were told that Diwali is the festival of lights and that as Jesus is the light of the world, Catholics should celebrate it. So I started the Diwali celebration in 2016 with diyas and flower rangolis. I still celebrate Diwali.

So unlike the Little Flower, I was a Little Rebel. 

I did not even like being a Bengali. I just hated it. 

Earliest Memories

Dear DLL Jesus,

I finished reading the first chapter of THE STORY OF A SOUL - SOS. I am going to refer to it as SOS because I am glued to it for its simplicity and will be writing a chapter-by-chapter comparative analysis of my own life - THE STORY OF MY SOUL - even though no one has asked me to do it.😄 I will do it because I feel like doing it.🤗

In Chapter 1, Earliest Memories, the Little Flower so beautifully narrated everything as she was an intelligent child and thus, remembered so much.

But unfortunately, I was not an intelligent child and so I don't remember anything much from my early childhood. I don't remember the first three to almost six years of my life except for the fact that I was rebellious from then on. And as my act of rebelliousness, I had eaten five boiled eggs that my mother had kept to make egg curry.😜 That's the only thing I remember because that incident is narrated even today to my daughters and husband. 

Another thing that I remember is the night I was supposedly bitten by a water snake while coming back from my neighbour's house after watching TV. I was with my two elder brothers who supposedly saw something retrieving back after biting me and after I had screamed in pain. It was raining heavily and we were barefoot. It was in Bhilai in the 1980s. No idea which year but I think I was in Std II. I think I am not sure. If Std II, then I should have been 7 years old and the year should have been 1983. But I am not at all sure about the year. But the bite mark is still there as the doctors cut a small portion of my foot to remove the poison.

Never mind the year but I was admitted to the hospital and missed school for a few days. My dad shouted at me a lot but immediately rushed me to the hospital on his cycle after tying my right leg with a string. I was given hot milk to drink and he continuously kept shouting at me. I was so scared - not of the snake bite but of my father's anger. Later on, he told me he had done it to keep me awake as sleeping could be dangerous for me.🤗

And I also remember being very close to my second brother and ganging up with him to harass and fight with my elder brother. But during rainy nights all three of us sat inside a bedsheet to play - paan thela, paan thela. That's the earliest memories I have of my early childhood.

Open Your Eyes To My Supplication!

As this servant of yours dear DLL Jesus has decided to pray for all your people, the Carmelites all over the world, who are your heritage!🙏 As the president of St. Elizabeth of the Trinity community, I will be praying for all the Carmelites during this Lenten season - this will be my penance for this year - pray unceasingly for your people, your heritage! Let your eyes be open to the supplication of your servant!🙏

I also want to write that from today I have started my attempt to say the Lauds in the church even though I could reach only during the Benedictus. That's because today I had to go with hubby and he gave me a lift to the church on his way to the airport. He's travelling to Delhi for work. But I attended the 6:15 am Holy Mass full and came back home walking. So I did not spend any money today.🤗

Let your will be done from tomorrow onwards - let me be able to say the Lauds in the church and attend the 6:15 am Holy Mass like the good old pre-Covid days when Googaa used to go to the college and I to the morning Eucharist.😇

Again I say Lord, let your will be done!

PS: I said the Lauds again at home as I had reached the church in the middle of the Benedictus.👏

❤️Forever My Daddy Long Legs❤️

Thank you, my Lord, for answering all my questions that have been bothering me! Let the testing be on, as much as you want, as I truly want to serve you sincerely. Test me as much as you want to as I want you to be my forever Daddy Long Legs (DLL). But I would like to quote St. Teresa of Avila here - "if this is how you treat your friends no wonder you have such few friends."🤭 Not the exact words but I am sure you understand.😅

Nevertheless I am privileged to be on your friend list - and also on the guest list who have been invited to the banquet - I am one of those who were invited to fill it when the original guests failed to appear!

Thus my Lord I have decided to be a good guest and attend the daily banquet in the morning! Yes Lord tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and I will start from tomorrow onwards. Being at Ryshivana it has become a habit to say the morning prayers and attend Mass early in the morning. So I want to continue attending the morning Eucharist and start my day well. Bless me my dear DLL that I am able to do it.

Sirach 2: 1-11

My child, when you come to serve the Lord, 

prepare yourself for testing.

Set your heart right and be steadfast, 

and do not be impetuous in times of calamity. 

Cling to him and do not depart, 

so that your last days may be prosperous. 

Accept whatever befalls you, 

and in times of humiliation be patient. 

For gold is tested in the fire, 

and those found acceptable, in the furnace of humiliation.

Trust in him, and he will help you; 

make your ways straight, and hope in him. 

You who fear the Lord, wait for his mercy; 

do not stray, or else you may fall. 

You who fear the Lord, trust in him, 

 and your reward will not be lost. 

 You who fear the Lord, hope for good things, 

 for lasting joy and mercy.

 Consider the generations of old and see: 

 has anyone trusted in the Lord and been disappointed? 

 Or has anyone persevered in the fear of the Lord and been forsaken? 

Or has anyone called upon him and been neglected? 

For the Lord is compassionate and merciful; 

he forgives sins and saves in times of distress.

No More Study Trips!

I forgot to write to you my dear DLL Jesus that I have decided not to make any more such study trips or any trips as the president. I will travel only for official work where my heart does not get smitten!

Even though I have been recommended to go to Mysore for such courses I will not go. Even though I have been invited to do more such courses at Ryshivana I will not go. I will not go anywhere where the condition of my heart will worsen. Not even as the president no matter how important the program. I can't allow my heart to get tortured again and again and again!

A Heart Full of Memories♥️

Dear DLL Jesus,

Thank you so much for resettling me on my own soil, Carmel. Thank you from the very depths of my heart.♥️

But why there were a few inhibitions when I opened my heart's desire to join the Cloistered Carmel if permitted by my daughters. As you know Lord, I am quite sentimental about joining the convent and last night I realized that it is the fourth aspect of my life that I am so very sentimental about.

First, it is you, Lord, second Minnie, third Carmel Peace, and last night I realized that I am (fourthly) extremely sentimental about the Cloistered Convent. About the desire of joining the convent as a married woman. Many have done it in the past and thus there are such opportunities for married women. So the Sisters said that they would pray for me. 

And they must have prayed for me because during the adoration today Lord you revealed to me that I should not desire to be behind the walls of the convent. I should be with my daughters and praying for them and supporting them. I need not be behind the four walls to prove my love to you. I can prove my love to you by loving my people wholeheartedly and supporting them during their needs. I need to support them because our families didn't support us and I need to be a support system for them. And not be selfish by shutting myself inside the convent. I will be as loving to you - be it inside or outside!

Thus with this divine enlightenment, I am going back to my real world - the world that needs me. I need to be with them and give up this desire - it is just an emotion, a sentiment. I need to be practical and rational!

This post I started writing at Ryshivana and completed from the train - I am inside the train right now and writing to you. This is the third time I am going back - heartbroken and teary-eyed - with a heart full of memories! 

My Peace=My Piece

Dear DLL Jesus,

There's no take away from today's homily by Fr. Gregory. But I want to put on record, for memory sake, that I did the readings for the Mass. It was about the Tower of Babel.

But one thought that has been in my heart all the while is about my Carmel Peace and how I want to desperately hold on to it. Please Lord let my Carmel Peace be with me as I have found it after making a lot of mistakes in my life. I have knocked on all the wrong doors and windows which only rejected me and thus I felt dejected. And then in the evening of my life I found my Carmel Peace - this Peace completes me, I feel complete, I feel like home and my capsizing ship has at last found its anchor. I feel anchored to you through this Carmel Peace. 

This Peace is so peaceful - I feel like our Father Prophet Elijah who was running away from Jezebel and was hiding in a cave. He didn't find you in those earthquakes and fire and the likes. He found you in the soft gentle breeze. My Carmel Peace is that soft gentle breeze in which I have found you. I have found my Peace, my piece, at last and so dear DLL I want to hold on to it. I want to draw strength from it. I know it is my strength and not my weakness.

Even if it is my weakness, I still want to hold on to it to draw closer to you. To know you and love you because in my weakness I will find my strength to love you from the lowest depth of my heart. I will not be swollen in pride. This weakness will always remind me to be humble to you.

So I want to hold on to my Carmel Peace and let your will be done through it.🙏

Detach Me

The 3rd Session on Day 2 ended almost on the same note - only admire, don't desire!

Thus I need to only admire and not desire and get enslaved. I have to only enjoy it because if I detach myself I will be able to enjoy it more. I will be liberated and I will have freedom. I will be able to rise if I can detach everything from my imagination, memory, and intellect.

Only Admire, Don't Desire!

Dear DLL Jesus,

Even according to today's homily by Fr. Gregory I need to control my senses. As he said, the world is good because you made it. But we have defiled this good world by the evil desires we have in our hearts. We need to control them.

So, my dear Valentine, I will rigorously start shutting down all my senses and only admire. Not fall victim to evil desires. Only admire and not desire!

Going forward with Day 2, what I understand from the two sessions is that I  need to place my senses in the right direction. These senses are the main cause of my disaster and I need to trim them. By intentionally denying these sensory passions your will has to prevail in my life. For this, I need to make you my guide. 

Even though I have taken you as are my guide, Lord, I keep succumbing to my sensory passions. Lord, immerse me into you - let my senses be so immersed in you that I am able to attune my passionate ones. 

And only you can do this Lord. Please help me to bring a change in my thoughts and feelings and emotions and mind. Let me be a changed person before I leave Ryshivana. Help me to curb my senses. I implore to you to help me to be good!

Happy Valentine's Day to you!❤️

Help me to be good!🙏🏻

The Dark Night of my Soul

Dear DLL Jesus,

In the third and last session of Day 1, I understood the true meaning of the Dark Night of the Soul. The true meaning of the Active and Passive Night of the senses. I realized that I am going through this phase in my life. 

When the difference between the two was explained I realized that I am in fact going through the exact experiences right now. Both the Active and Passive Nights of my senses are fully in existence in my struggle to love you sincerely. By the grace given by you, there are certain struggles that I can handle on my own. I realized that it is the Active Night. Then there are struggles that I am unable to handle at all - this is my Passive Night about which I keep crying to you - struggles and temptations that I succumb to despite trying hard. 

We were told that this is a lifelong process - the Dark Night continues as we try to enlighten the darkness of our souls by controlling our senses - it's a way of life.

Now I can understand my struggles, and the quest to be good, despite falling into sinful situations again and again. The mere fact that I am struggling to be good is the Dark Night of my Soul. It was explained so beautifully by Fr. Gregory from the Infant Jesus Shrine, Bikarnakatte - Mangalore. Thank you Jesus for the enlightenment through the doctrine of St. John of the Cross.

Forever indebted to you, forever in love with you and my Carmel Peace!❤️

Peace-shaped hole in my heart❤️

Dear DLL Jesus,

The first two sessions for the day are over and I have very well understood your plan for my life. I existed in your original plan and that's why I am still alive. I have been created and kept alive to be united with you. Through my temptations of the past, you have been preparing and purifying me to be your bride - you are my Bridegroom. Thus the sole purpose of my life is to love you as my Heavenly Spouse.

And I love you, Lord, my Heavenly Spouse! I love you a lot. I hope you are convinced of my love for you.

Thus for me, I want to sum up the entire doctrine of St. John of the Cross in just one sentence - I have been created to love you and I love you a lot. 

That's it - that's the doctrine of my life - to love you and love Carmel Peace that I have found in you - the Peace and you are one - because you are in Carmel Peace and Carmel Peace is in you. You have come to me in the form of Carmel Peace and Carmel Peace has come to me in your form!❤️ There is a divine union between the two that can't be distinguished.

Thus I will forever treasure and cherish this Peace in my heart - this is where the Peace belongs - my heart❤️

This is the moment of truth I had been waiting for for the past 30 years. Everything in these thirty years had been a disillusion - this is it - this is the reality - no wonder nothing else in the past thirty years ever made sense. This is the moment of sense and sensibility - beyond all imagination - nothing but the truth - the truth which gives the Peace that my heart had been waiting for - this Peace has filled that one Peace-shaped hole in my heart!❤️❤️

Bangalore May 2022

Dear DLL Jesus,

On the birthday of Charles Dickens, I pray that my Carmel Peace be the last dream of my soul.🙏🏻 The Peace that I encountered in Bangalore in May 2022 is the dream I want throughout my life. I don't want anything else. This is the Peace, my dream, that I had been looking for throughout my life and now that I have found it, I don't want to know anything else. I love this Peaceful Dream as it gives me the kind of happiness you very well know about. So let this be my prayer on my favourite author's birthday from whose book A TALE OF TWO CITIES this quotation is taken.

King David

While reading the book CARMEL AND BIBLE to which I am hooked presently, I have come to that chapter wherein it is written how St. Teresa of Avila had a great admiration for King David. St. Teresa of Avila was highly inspired by his life and wrote the following - "how David had sinned and then got converted to God and became holy, so too we must reorient our life to God finding the courage of going through conversion."

This line reminded me of how King David has been a great inspiration for me as well. It reminded me of how I was impressed by his conversion story during my Bible studies in 2010. His story in the Bible was a great inspiration for me and I remember doing a lot of research on him. I remembered how I used to aggressively research him. 

Thus immediately I searched for some of those blog posts. Though I posted them in November 2012 for a lesson plan for the first year as a catechist (Confirmation), he had already inspired my life and I had a great reverence for him. Also for St. Paul and St. Augustine who all had a conversion story. Also my forever favourite, my patron, St. Mary Magdalene!♥️ 

So all these sinners turned into saints played a major role in my life to get me closer and closer and closer to Jesus!!!🤗 

.......and they had no leisure even to eat!

Dear DLL Jesus,

The title of today's post is from tomorrow's gospel. One thing that I find selfish about the Catholics is how they throng to worship you only during special days and novenas to Mother Mary. Some of us are daily churchgoers and some just surface only during the special days and novenas. They not only surface but surface themselves before time. So much before the time of the Mass that the regular churchgoers don't get a place.

The same thing happened today also. Since it was the optional memoria of St. Blaise wherein the throats were to be blessed, the church was fully packed by the time I usually reach. So I had to sit in a different place today. Luckily I remembered about the blessing of the throats so I made sure to leave home a little early and walk fast. That's the reason I could at least get a place to sit.

The same thing happens even during the novenas to Mother Mary. I wonder from where such a large crowd comes tumbling in. Where are they on normal days? Why can't they tumble so much for you Jesus? Why do people flock to you during the Lenten season only? Where are they during the rest of the year? If they can flock to you during the Lenten season, why can't they flock all round the year? Why are they so selfish? How do they take time out only during these special days and novenas and the Lenten season? If they really don't have the time they should not be having the time at all.

And because of this, your priests don't have the leisure even to eat. They have to run around all the time!😥

What can man do to me?

Dear DLL Jesus,

"The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?"

Lord Jesus, my dear daddy long legs, you are my helper, and thus I will not fear. I will not fear because what can man do to me? Whether this man is the financer of JEWELLERS GALLERY (JG) magazine who speaks rudely or the one who torments my heart, what can they do to me? I have nothing to fear because you are a great helper, a great protector, a great friend, and a great God who is mightier than all these mortal human beings. They can not do anything to me because you are with me and helping me. And if you are with me who can be against me?

And I have understood that to be your disciple I have to undergo all these temptations that I face practically every day. I have understood that it costs to be your disciple because you need perfection as you are so perfect. Thus through this temptation, you are purifying me, testing me and making me your perfect disciple. 

So with these words of assurance that what can man do to me, I carry on my life as your sincere disciple as without you I am nothing and I can't imagine my life without you.

The countdown to Ryshivana.......

.......has begun!!!🤗

Thus Dear DLL Jesus,

Today has been quite good and fruitful!😇

To begin with, I woke up at 6:12 am to say my morning prayers!🙏🏻

Then finishing my household chores I watched the ordination on Youtube. 

Then I got going with my professional work wherein I gave the first piece of daily news. It was taken very well and thus, workwise too it has been satisfying till now!🙏🏻

And then as I started my countdown to Ryshivana🤗, I started some research on the internet but I wasn't too happy. So I started looking for some books from the OCDS library at home and two books found me!🤗

I had tried reading CARMEL AND BIBLE earlier too but had found it a little difficult. So today I skipped the introduction and just started from the chapters themselves. It has been a great reading since then!🙏🏻🤗🙏🏻 I am already addicted to it like my Classics in the old days. I have found it unputdownable.🤗 Eager to read more and more about the primitive history and Constitution of the Carmelite Order. So far I have read that the Eucharist and the Word of God are the important aspects of a Carmelite.🙏🏻 - the Eucharist and Lectio Divina.

THE SPRINGS OF CARMEL is another book that found me today. I don't know what it is about. But I am eager to find out!🤗

PS: It is February and the reflections for this month, in the Bible diary, have been written by me.🙏🏻