Immerse me in your love❤️

Dear DLL Jesus,

In 2023 immerse me so much in your love that I have no time and inclination for anyone else. Immerse me into so much work that I have no time and inclination for anything else. Let it be only you and my work in 2023.

Let this be my watchword for this year - Jesus & Work - let me engross myself in only you and work, my lord!

Only you and my work!!!🙏🏻

28 December 1999

The day I got married.......

.......23 years ago!!!

Roman Holiday

Throughout the year I keep watching all these random Christmas movies that today which is Christmas day, I didn't want to watch any of those movies. So I watched Roman Holiday and what a wonderfully romantic movie it turned out to be.🤗

The 24 hours love story of a princess and a newspaper reporter - ends so uniquely - both going on with their way of life like the way it used to be before they met each other.😔 The ending has left a great impression on my heart - not all great love stories have an ending - some linger in our hearts forever - some love stories are pure memories - meant to be forever!

Memorable 2022

We are at the fag end of the year 2022.

And what a wonderful and memorable year this 2022 has been for me!🤗

This year has been filled with travel - travel for work and travel for the OCDS!😊 This year has been to earning money and finding Peace in Carmel - the Peace♥️ that I had been yearning for! Though I don't deserve that Peace I at least know that it exists!♥️ 

This year has been the year of miracles wherein I miraculously made that trip to the Infant Jesus shrine to be the MC for the most beautiful program!🙏🏻

The year 2023 too looks heavenly with the upcoming trip to my dream destination Ryshivana and the OCDS training session! Oh yes, how can I forget the teaching on Liturgical Spirituality even though I don't have to travel anywhere? But hey, don't I have to travel to Anubhav for that?🤭 So travel is travel no matter the distance!🤗 

So the heart rejoices in recalling all these wonderful and miraculous happenings!🤗🤗 

The only sad thing that happened this year was that Minnie🐈 left us.😔 But I refuse to accept this because she came back to us within a month in the form of Milo.🐈 That's why the heart still rejoices at this thought!!!😇😇

Thank you, Lord, for this wonderful year!!!🙏🏻

Milo

St. John of the Cross

Today is the solemnity of my favourite St. John of the Cross.

To prepare for the week-long course on his doctrine, I have started reading his collected works. I am making notes of all that I feel is important. I want to inculcate some of those qualities in me.

1) He made his corrections with much gentleness and charity and always saw to it that the one being corrected would not leave his presence sad.

2) Another characteristic of his wonderfully gracious manners was his custom of asking his subjects for their opinions on various matters or problems which arose.

3) He said to someone: "flee from creatures and hide yourself in God."

Similarly, there are some aspects of his love life for Jesus that I have found similar to mine and thus the love that I have for him gets intensified - my feelings for Jesus are so similar to his feelings - I can actually feel it because I have experienced those feelings!!!!

1) Conjoined to his esteem for the Sacraments and the liturgical prayer of the church was his love for the liturgical seasons. They were something more than just a commemoration - they were the occasion of a veritable interior transformation in the spirit of the mystery being celebrated. I have similar feelings because the 2011 Lenten season brought a great transformation in my life!

2) At Christmas time above all he felt his heart enkindled with love for the Child Jesus. I too undergo similar feelings but somehow could not express them before. Now I know it's not only me - even a great mystic and Doctor of the church has felt similar feelings.🤗 Once he grasped the statue of the Infant Jesus in his arms and began to dance with joy - I too dance with joy during Christmas - albeit the statue of Infant Jesus because I always thought that it would be indecent and humiliating for the Infant Jesus if I grasped his statue to dance! But now I know it won't be indecent - St. John of the Cross has already done it!🤗

4) At Passiontide one could notice the pain he felt - oh my Jesus, I remember the number of tears that had flowed from my eyes during the passion narration on this (2022) Good Friday!😥 I cried so much and I can't forget the pain I felt - I can't forget my yellow handkerchief with which I was wiping my tears! Something was happening to me during this year's Good Friday's passion narrative!😥

Other aspects about him that I like:

1) His deepest concern was for those who in their spiritual life were suffering. The needs of souls undergoing interior trials prompted him to write THE ASCENT OF MOUNT CARMEL and THE DARK NIGHT.

2) The Bible was the book he cherished most of all. I too cherish the Bible. He loved to withdraw to hidden parts of the monastery with his Bible. I wish I too could withdraw to any hidden part of my home with my Bible - in Vasai I had the cozy corner on the terrace, next to the water tank. But now I don't have anything like that. 

3) His nearness to God filled him with confidence and remarkably freed him from all worry and anxiety - there are no two ways about it - I feel exactly the same!🙏

4) Last but not least he taught that trust in God should be great and that even if the whole world were to collapse and come to an end, one should not become disturbed!🙏 So be it, Lord, let nothing disturb me, because I trust in you!!!🙏

Thank you, Jesus!

Am I too free?

Yesterday I was told that just because I have free time does not mean that everyone has it too! That has been working on my mind and I am wondering if I indeed have too much free time!🤔

I am sure that just because I am available for all the OCDS activities does not mean that I am idle or so-called free. On the contrary, I make myself free for all the activities - as the President, I make sure that I lead by example and am available for the OCDS. So calling me free is something I have not liked at all, especially from the mouth of someone from a higher level. 

There's another thing that I have been wanting to write about for some months now - something someone said a few months ago - that we women need to work on the professional front as well to have a standing in society - a standing of our own! 

Now, this is again something I have already achieved as the President of the OCDS community. I have a standing in the community and the church - I feel it is a proud privilege for me as someone who has come from another faith - it's a different standing altogether - which the world will not understand!

So I want to conclude with two things:

1) I am not free - I make myself free for the OCDS. It's my top priority in life.

2) I do have a standing - a standing different from the measure of this world.

Google Jubilee Cardozo!

Today is the 6th of the month and thus I released the December edition of my magazine (NAINEN) which is a Christmas special. Nothing unusual - only five likes so far - from the usual friends! But I have learned not to get disheartened - and carry on with my magazine as long as possible! I am too very sentimental about it - it's nothing but Jesus' blessing to keep me going during the lockdown - so I will not slow down!🤗

The second thing that happened today is the instalment that I paid for my Tanishq jewellery - one of the most sensible things that I started doing in January 2022. I am again saving money to buy jewellery!🤗

Since nothing exciting happened today, to make the 6th of this month special, I reopened my accounts on Pinterest and Twitter - and then I googled Jubilee Cardozo - it has already started showing my Pinterest account since it is an old one!🤗 But the Twitter account isn't yet visible on Google as I opened it only today - perhaps it will take some more time!

Thus goes the 6th of December for me so far!!!🤗

If anything further exciting happens later, I will definitely add it as PostScript!!!😀

Remain unblemished before the Lord

Today's liturgy reminds us to come before the Lord in purity - unblemished - but the purity with which we are created during our baptism has the risk of getting blemished - thus we need to remain unblemished before the Lord and come to him with a pure heart!🙏

Thus, I pray to you my DLL Jesus, to keep me unblemished - through your Eucharist and your Words - the two pillars of a Carmelite life!

But I am sure my purification has already begun in your Peace - it doesn't allow me to get distracted anymore - it helps me remain grounded in your love!❤️  Your Carmel Peace gives me a vision and a mission in my life as a Carmelite - it doesn't allow me to wander off in the wrong direction - it's that compass of my life that always points north - always points you!😇

I want to write that my train tickets to Mangalore, to study the doctrine of St. John of the Cross in Rishyvana, were booked yesterday!🙏🤗🙏🏻 It is yet another way to keep me unblemished! 

And I have changed my DP on Facebook and WhatsApp to usher in the unblemished Christmas spirit by wearing a reindeer horn!🤗 And today I received my salary also!!!

Yippee💃

💜💜❤️❤️♥️♥️💜💜

3 December 1577

I have been reading that in the early hours of 2 or 3 December 1577 San Juan de la Cruz was arrested and put into prison in Toledo, Spain.😔

Feeling sad about this fact.......😔

But at the same time feeling proud that I joined Carmel on this day.......🤗

Seven years ago.......

.......on this day I joined the OCDS. That was in 2015. The very next day I blogged about it - but when I read that post now, I found it so shallow - I had written the meaning of the OCDS and not my feelings for it - there is no feeling for the OCDS - just the meaning!!!

But seven years from then on today I have a feeling for the OCDS which needs no meaning - these feelings can now be not put into words - this is what I have become - a true Carmelita in the garden of Carmel - the love, the feelings, the emotions - just can't be expressed - leave about written!😇

No one can separate me from Carmel - I was born to be a Carmelite, a Carmelita - just like its many saints - many centuries ago! I belong here, my heart and soul belong here - and I wish to die and lie in Carmel - with my scapular on!🙏🏻

Lord, please grant the desire of my heart!🙏🏻 Let me die peacefully wearing my scapular!🙏🏻

The doctrine of St. John of the Cross

I am extremely happy today because discussions have begun about my visit to Rishyvana to study the doctrine of St. John of the Cross!🤗🤗

It is from 13 to 18 February 2023 and I am mighty pleased about it!😊

This will serve a dual purpose:

1) My desire to be in Rishyvana will get fulfilled and 

2) I will be studying the doctrine of my most favourite saint.

What a heavenly feeling to study the doctrine of St. Juan De La Cruz in Rishyvana!!!😊😊

Thank you so much, dear Jesus, for fulfilling my heart's desire!!!❤️❤️

Carmelite Monastery (Margao)

How can I forget to write about the unexpected visit to the Carmelite monastery in Goa?🤗

As you are aware, dear DLL Jesus, this is my most favourite monastery in the whole wide world and keeping the choc-a-bloc schedule for the Goa Regional Meet, I never thought that a visit could be possible. So I had no hopes at all.

But you have your beautiful ways for the people you love.❤️ Thus, on 27 November, after the Holy Mass, when our spiritual assistant asked some of us about a short visit to the monastery, I just could not resist it!🤗

So we all walked behind him to the monastery singing "On we go to Jerusalem" - it was such a heavenly feeling!!!👏

Those few moments in the beautiful chapel and the equally beautiful garden are the highlighting moments of my Regional Meet in Goa!🤗🤗

I spent a few moments of my first Sunday of Advent in my most favourite place - I can never forget the feeling I got there!!!🤗🤗

Keep him in perfect peace.......

Lord, you keep him in your peace - his mind is set on you - and he has founded his house upon the rock: that's you!🙏🏻

From the time I read today's readings, my prayers have been for all of your priests and deacons and seminarians and nuns - they all have set their minds on you and have founded their house upon you!

So special prayers for them all - all over the world - especially for the Carmelites - my favourite ones!🤗 

I pray for them all today!🙏🏻 

I pray that you keep them away from all the adversities of life, all trials and temptations - give them the grace to carry out the mission that you have entrusted to each of them - I pray that you give them the power to resist all the difficulties in their lives and come out as true soldiers in you(Christ). 

My Quest for Peace💜

The Peace I searched for all my life,

The Peace I yearned for all my life,

The Peace that I thought wasn't born for me,

Suddenly stood smiling at me!!!

And thus the quest for my Peace came haunting back!

This Peace gladdens my heart and soul,

I found my Peace in the beauty of Carmel,

I yearn for my Peace every moment,

I love my Peace sent from heaven.

And thus the quest for my Peace comes haunting back!

My quest for my Peace has brought me Peace,

My quest for my Peace has given me life,

My quest for my Peace has been fulfilled,

My quest for my Peace has brought delight.

Follow You

From the moment I read these verses from today's Gospel, I have been wanting to write something about the word "immediately". 

From the time I got baptized in April 2001 till the time I started following you eventually, since the fag end of 2009, wasn't immediate. It took me so many years to leave my nets to follow you. The net entanglements became so drastic that I could have gotten strangled by it. But how could you allow that to happen to a child of yours whom you had saved in her mother's womb? You had definitely not saved me then to get entangled in the nets of my life. You had great plans for me - plans for my betterment and not destruction. 

So you allowed the nets to entangle me for a little while - only till I could handle it, realize the great love and friendship that you had to offer me and start following you!!!

I started following you after being saved by the nets in 2010 and left everything to be your sincere disciple. The nets still bother me but this time you have given me the grace to understand how to come out from the netty situations of my life. 

Here I am Lord, getting entangled in my nets practically every day, but the power of your love and friendship helps me to cut the tangles - it's not easy but it is also not impossible - it takes time to free myself but I can do all things in You who strengthens me!!!🤗

You are my Bestie Forever and I love ❤️  you a lot!!!

Mysore

One evening in September I was diligently working on my magazine when suddenly my mind got distracted when I heard the word Mysore on TV. I wanted to write a post about it.

It was on my mind for quite some time but I got busy with the new jewellery magazine work.

I had altogether forgotten about Mysore.

Then in Goa, I was reminded of Mysore again when it was told to us that either the council members' training session or the OCDS Congress will be held in Mysore.

The reason for my liking Mysore are two:

1) I visited it when I was a child.

2) There's a Carmelite seminary and monastery there.

So I have developed a strong liking for the place and I want to visit it all over again - looking forward to one of the two activities that will be conducted in Mysore.

Bestie Forever

Dear DLL Jesus,

You will be my Bestie Forever❤️💜❤️

I prefer it this way because all others are fake - trying to take advantage of my friendship - trying to outshine me in areas where there they have no business - and trying to grab the limelight with me, piggybacking upon me! So I have decided to call it quits as I have never been seeking friendship - that too a fake one!

As you are my Daddy Long Legs, I am going to read this book - yet again!🤭

Soon after this post, I am going to do it!!!😊😊

Thank you, Infant Jesus!🙏🏻

While in Mangalore, on the evening of 13 October, I said the evening prayers along with the Fathers in the chapel of their monastery. I was using their breviary. In it, I found a bookmark. It was a family consecration prayer to the Infant Jesus. I took one of the Father's permissions to keep it for myself. He willingly allowed it. I was very pleased.

Earlier that day I was crying near the statue of the Infant Jesus because nothing was going well. Everything was a mess. Googaa was jobless and not even trying anywhere. Goldie was at home not attending her college in Indore. There was a lot of frustration as they were not doing anything. Just wasting their time at home. So I prayed a lot and then cried a lot.

And then on 21 October, I started saying the family consecration prayer to Infant Jesus. Today I completed one month of praying that prayer. But everything started coming under control much before a month. 

First Goldie went to Indore on 3 November to give her exams. She decided to stay back for a month as she got someone generous to stay with.

Then Googaa got a job in Bhiwandi and started working on 15 November. They gave her accommodation as commuting would take time. So she is happily working now in Bhiwandi and also staying there happily.

Goldie is happily staying with her friend in Indore and enjoying her college life.

We both husband and wife are happy with each other and Milo. There's no more frustration and fights in the family. All are doing something constructive.

If these are not the miracles of the Infant Jesus, then what are they? 

Thank you so much, Infant Jesus, for all these miracles!!!🙏🏻

Forever indebted to you!🙏🏻

2023 Bible Diary

Today yet another beautiful thing happened to me - I got the Bible diary for 2023 - as you are well aware, I have written the reflections for February. I was told to write for January also as some priests could not do it at the last minute. So around 21 reflections are written by me for January.

And I am happy and surprised to see my name on the list of contributors - I am the only one among all the priests and brothers and cloistered nuns! 

Thank you, my dear DLL Jesus, for finding me worthy to write the reflections for the 2023 Bible diary.

Forever in Love ❤️ with You

Lord, after writing to you last night, I went to sleep rejoicing in your love!❤️  

Even though in pain, I slept well!🤗

Then today in the morning I again felt that excruciating pain while getting up from sleep. But I was scheduled to meet a different physiotherapist. She assured me that nothing was majorly wrong with me that could not be cured in five days! My pain is because of the aggressive throwball service that I did to save my community from losing miserably.🤭 

She also said that I can travel to Goa without my hand in a sling. I  just can't lift heavy things. 

So she has already started her treatment on me. And I can already feel the difference in my hand and shoulder. 

Thank you my daddy long legs, my DLL, for yet another miracle in my life - forever indebted to your mercy and grace - forever in love ❤️  with you!!!🤗🤗

St. John of the Cross

In today's OCDS meeting our Spiritual Assistant gave us a teaching on St. Joy of the Cross' "Spiritual Canticle - 4 - Union with God". 

There are two things that I liked about what he taught.

1) When St. John of the Cross was alone in that small cell, instead of falling into loneliness, he thought of Christ and wrote the Spiritual Canticle. So he said when we are lonely we must try to be in a union with God instead of getting into anything negative.

2) Most of the saints though rich in their spiritual life were mostly sickly people. Instead of cribbing about their health, they concentrated on their spiritual richness and thrived in doing everything for the Lord.

So my Lord Jesus Christ, I want to be like St. John of the Cross - in my loneliness instead of falling into negativity, I want to keep writing to you about my love for you. Your love will keep me spiritually and mentally fit even though I am going through this excruciating pain right now! I want to be like the saints and instead of complaining about my pain, I will rejoice in your love.

I love St. John of the Cross - his writings have always made me think. I have written this before also that he's someone whose writings  I understand - unlike a few others! Even though it is difficult for some, I can understand them so easily. I am more of a St. John of the Cross person!

I hate November!

I really hate November!😕

From the beginning of this month, I am getting this excruciating pain in my shoulder and right arm. No amount of medicine or physiotherapy is able to cure this. I am in too much pain.😥

And I have to travel to Goa for the OCDS Regional Meet.😔

Please be with me, Lord!🙏🏻

Be with all of us as the enemy is playing games with all of us. He's injuring us one by one. Yesterday someone fractured a leg and backed out. Another member will back out soon. Two of us have hand injuries. We really, really need you Lord to be with us.🙏🏻🙏🏻

 Then there's a Judas also in the group.😥

But with you with us, nothing is going to be wrong!🙏🏻

Be our guide and strength, Lord! 

Without you, nothing is possible and with you, nothing is impossible!!!🙏🏻🙏🏻

PS: According to my Facebook memories, it was today in 2019 that my fibrous problems started aggravating. So I really hate November!!!

Journalism Day

Today is National Journalism Day.

I guess I wanted to be a journalist since the day I started liking cricket and that cricketer!😜 And the realization that I could write! That was way back in 1992. Thus, my sole ambition in life was to be a sports journalist and meet that cricketer! I worked hard towards my goal.

So eventually when in 1997 I got the opportunity to be a trainee journalist with a daily newspaper, I went to Wankhede Stadium to interview my favourite cricketer - the love of my life then!🤭 But that interview shattered me to the core - his treatment of me as a journalist, that too to someone who was his greatest fan, was something I didn't like - his behaviour was a total put-off. He wanted to complete his interview in the car - so he gave me a lift in his car from Wankhede stadium to Elphistone Road - the place where he dropped me was so far from the railway station. So I had to walk a lot to go to the station. I didn't like this too a bit. Plus his cold attitude towards me was a total put-off. That was the last time I liked him. That was I suppose in October. 

This incident helped me to come out of my infatuation with him. Since then I have hated him as a cricketer. 

But I have always loved writing. But when my professional writing was being criticized I left that also. Then covid happened and we were in a lockdown. It was then in 2020 that I started writing only for the Lord. I realized that I was a different kind of writer - though I always loved writing, my writing was meant for a different genre. 

And then NAINEN happened and I began again as a professional writer! This gave me the confidence to begin my second innings as a professional writer. I even made a comeback to my favourite field of writing - the gems and the jewellery industry. And the rest, as they say, is history.🤗

So a very happy Journalism Day to me!🤗

Carmelite Saints

Today is the Feast of all Carmelite Saints - what a beautiful day!

The Second Antiphon of the Lauds touched me the most - "no eye has seen no ear has heard, what God has prepared for those who love him."

Thank you, my Lord, for such words of assurance.

Feeling so proud to be a Carmelite and surrounded by a plethora of beautiful Carmelite Saints. 

I exist.......

.......because I write!

And I always thought you didn't exist!

Now, that I know you exist,

I can't believe your existence!

My Emotions

There's a lot on my mind that I want to write about.

I would like to write to you about the way I cried during the Eucharistic celebration yesterday. All was going well until the time the priest said "let us also remember our brothers and sisters who have gone before us......." This made me think of Minnie which brought tears to my eyes. Then immediately I remembered that it was my conception day and how my mother had not wanted me. I cried uncontrollably when I remembered that she used to take pills to abort me. Fresh tears came in when I realized that it was you who saved me - took care of me in my mother's womb. So it was quite a teary Eucharistic celebration for me yesterday.

Then in the morning after I blogged about the miraculous trip to the Infant Jesus shrine last month, I thought of the look that I beheld in the eyes when we were told about the liking for girls and football. That look meant a lot of things but was difficult for me to comprehend. I guess it was a look of dissatisfaction. A why-are-you-telling-this kind of look. A no-need-to-tell-this kind of look. I don't know why today suddenly I remembered that look. That look was pretty intense. 

So this remembrance brought tears to my eyes while praying in the evening. I remembered my past and became sentimental thinking about how difficult it is to hide our emotions. I am someone who can't hide it at all whereas some people can control and hide their emotions so well even if they are sometimes taken off guard in life. You Lord have given some people such strong self-control. They will die but not give in to their sentiments and emotions. They will never allow their emotions to betray them even though they are dying inside. They have such strong self-control to stay away from anything that could destroy them. But I am just the opposite - always out of control - it is so difficult for me to hide my emotions. My emotions are all I have from the past.

Miraculous Infant Jesus

Today is the day, one month ago, on 12 October, the desire of my heart to visit the Infant Jesus Shrine at Mangalore got fulfilled. And what a miraculous trip it was!

Lord, you have your unique ways and plans for fulfilling desires.🤗

At first, when I was approached to be the MC, it was only myself who was travelling. So I was travelling alone by flight from Mumbai to Mangalore and back. But then suddenly someone else was travelling with me. So I booked train tickets from Mumbai. We would return by flight.

But suddenly that someone fell sick at the end moment and I was all alone again. So we cancelled my train tickets and booked flight tickets from Mumbai. We even rescheduled my return tickets from Mangalore so that I could go sightseeing and attend the Holy Eucharist that was to be celebrated by the Superior General at 5 pm. All these cancellations and rebooking of the flight shook us financially. But hubby was fine with it as my heart's desire was getting fulfilled.

Thus, on the morning of 12 October, I left home for the airport at around 8:15 AM to reach well on time. My boarding was at 11 a.m. I did not want an e-boarding pass because I wanted to preserve the paper boarding pass and use it as a bookmark. So in my stubbornness, I refused to do my web check-in.

So there we were happily going to the airport.

But the Mumbai traffic had a different plan that day. The roads were fully blocked. The car hardly moved. The traffic was so bad - for the first time in my life, I saw such a heavy traffic jam. The time ticked off but the car could not speed up. I started fighting with my hubby. I started crying. In my desperation, I agreed to do my web check-in. So the kids tried to check me in. But it was already closed. I could not be checked in. I was in tears again. I fought more. So Hubby was ready to cancel my morning ticket and rebook me for the evening flight. I almost agreed in my desperation to reach Mangalore to be the MC on 13 October. 

Then I started praying to the Infant Jesus. The one who is known for his miracles.

Then suddenly the first miracle took place - when the kids tried to again check me in online, they could do it. Voila, the check-in was done. I received my e-boarding pass. I had to go to gate no. 21 of the domestic airport. One hurdle was taken care of by the miraculous Infant Jesus.

It was almost 11 am and the boarding would start now. But I was still far from the airport. Then another miracle took place. The traffic picked speed and even we could speed up a bit. But again traffic at the signal from where we had to enter the airport terminal. Miraculously, it was a short one and finally, we were at the airport. 

I jumped out of the car. I showed up at the security with my e-boarding pass in hand and tears in my eyes. I pleaded to be let in first as my boarding had already started. I was allowed.

Once inside, I started running for gate no. 21. Luckily, I didn't have to run much - it was right in front. But still, I ran to cover up the time. With tears in my eyes and the suitcase in my hand, I ran frantically just like in the movies. 

Then again I pleaded at the baggage check-in to be allowed first as my boarding had already started. The people allowed me without making any fussing. 

At long last, I was in the queue to board my flight to Mangalore. My whole body was shivering and I was shedding tears of joy for being able to be there. It was possible all because of the miracle of the Infant Jesus. 

Suddenly I realized that I had left my handbag at the baggage counter. I rushed to get my handbag. I found it.

The queue was still not moving.

And then it started moving!!!

I was finally inside the aircraft.

I was thankful to my family for making it possible for me under the inspiration of the miraculous Infant Jesus! During the entire journey, I kept thanking Infant Jesus for making it possible for me.

And then I landed in Mangalore and drove to the famous and miraculous Infant Jesus Shrine. There I stood marvelling at the beauty of the shrine and thankful to Infant Jesus for fulfilling the desire of my heart!❤️  

The rest as they say is history. I have already written about it. 

11 November

11 November - an important day in my life!

This is the day I was conceived - the day the Lord decided to keep me alive! So forever indebted to you my Lord!😍

This is the day I was commissioned as an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion in 2012. Thank you, Lord, for finding me useful!🙏🏻

Thank you, Lord, for keeping me alive to love, serve and be with you!😇 Isn't this our mission in life?

This is the day you "set me apart before I was born, and called me by your grace". (Galatians 1:15)

Thank you so much, Lord! 

As per Psalm 139:13-16, "you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows them very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

I am so grateful to you for keeping me alive and then calling me to be your own. For rescuing this lost sheep and rejoicing over it and carrying it on your shoulder.

I am indebted to you for shining your bright light in my dark life. You have lighted up my life with your love and mercy and grace!

And I love you so very much, Lord! I have never loved anyone the way I love you. It surpasses all my understanding. I used to hate it when people teased me because of my name and asked me whether I was a Christian. Now I feel so proud of my name because both our names start with the same alphabet J and we both have the same initials JC. I also feel proud to be a Christian and thus as per today's Gospel, I would love to lose my life to seek you! 

Carmelite Spiritual Heritage

Dear DLL Jesus,

I want to do this course on Carmelite Spiritual Heritage. 

But it's in Ryshivana Mangalore and spread over two months. So I can't be away from home for such a long time. But you can create a miracle if you want to.

So surrendering this desire of the heart into your hands!👏  

Please check my heart and mind and soul and if you feel I am ready for this, please give your consent.🙏🏻

Dedication of the Lateran Feast

Today is the Feast of the Dedication of the Lateran Basilica. The first part of the Invitatory Antiphon - "Christ is the spouse of the Church" and the Response to the Intercessions - "This is the house of God and the gate of heaven" had a great impact on me. It reminded me of one of the assignments I wrote in 2015 while I was doing my Catechists Training Course. It was about the Church as the people of God, the Body of Christ and the Temple of the Holy Spirit. 

After the Lauds, I pulled down my box file, with all my assignments in it. It has been getting dusty on the shelf. So I cleaned it and started reading my assignments. I was surprised to read my assignment - I have written about my body being the Church - and Jesus as the head of this body. I had written that I, the body, need to suffer with the head for my glorification! I have written about being the bride of  Christ as the Church is the bride of Christ.

OMG, I am really surprised at my understanding of the Church way back in 2015 itself. Honestly, this training did me a whole lot of good - it was the year I joined the OCDS on 3 December.😇 But I had forgotten about this - I need to live what I wrote - I need to remind myself every day - there are so many beautiful aspects that I need to rekindle in myself! 

So, I am going to rewrite the entire assignment from my perspective of what I am today because Christ is my heavenly spouse and my body is the house of God and the gate of heaven. Thank you, Jesus, for this divine enlightenment today and for reminding me who I am. 

St. Elizabeth of the Trinity

Today is the memorial of St. Elizabeth of the Trinity - the patron saint of our OCDS community. She has been largely instrumental in keeping me grounded in Carmel. Not by her writings but by her similarity with my life. 

To begin with, both of us are born in July. Both of our fathers have been in the defence forces and both were smokers and heavy drinkers. Both of us have a fiery temper and both of us love gardens. Both of us have been influenced by the writings of St. Paul and both of us feel close to Mary Magdalene. 

So initially, it was St. Elizabeth of the Trinity who motivated me to be a Carmelite. I did a lot of research on her and started loving Carmel and the idea of being a Carmelite. 

I owe my Carmel love and respect to her. 

If today I feel the honour and proud privilege of being a Carmelite, it is because of St. Elizabeth of the Trinity. 

But the reason I did not take her name as my religious name is that every other person was taking it. But most importantly, it is Mary Magdalene's love for Jesus that inspires me. Somehow the idea of being Jesus' Magdalene is what keeps me going in life. 

OCDS Presidentship

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today I complete one year of OCDS presidentship.🙏🏻

The journey so far has been quite good except for a few teething problems (lights being kept on after the weekly meetings) and one council member filled with ego!🙃

But I can handle all things in You who strengthens me!🙏🏻

So today I pray for the strength to carry on for two more years the responsibility that you have entrusted to me. 

I also pray that I don't make anyone fall into any kind of temptation because of me. Please Lord let no one fall into temptation because of me!🙏🏻 Let me not fall into any kind of temptation and even if I inevitably fall, give me the grace and strength to come back to you through repentance and realization. But let me not be the cause of anyone's sin.🙏🏻

Please Lord, please!!!🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

2012

Dear DLL Jesus,

After many days the evening is free as all work is done.

So I am sitting idly and wondering what to do.

For many days now I have been wanting to write about the year 2012. The year I became a catechist in June and an Extraordinary Minister of the Holy Communion in November. That was the year I started coming closer to you and started working from home. That was the year I also earned the most. So if 1988 is my favourite year from my childhood, then 2012 is my favourite year of adulthood. I am extremely sentimental about the year 2012.🤗

That's it? Oh, it was so quick to write! I thought that I would write more. Nevertheless, there are many blog posts from 2012. I just have to click on 2012 and all my posts will come cascading down. I am sure I blogged a lot in 2012.🤗

Hmmm, so let me just check what I wrote!!!🤭

Definitive Promise

Last year on this day, I along with ten others, took my Definitive Promise. I took the Final Vows to be faithful to the OCDS. I was so happy that I was overdressed for the occasion. And I was reprimanded for that.😔 But Lord, you know the heart of the people. When the world judges us externally, you judge us internally - you know us inside out. 

And you have always known what is in my heart - what goes on inside my heart for you - the kind of feelings I have for you!🤗

That's why three days immediately after this you made me the President of my OCDS community - the Secretary became the President!🙏 You exalted this humble Secretary to the highest level by making her the President - you truly know what goes on in my heart for you!❤️ 

But the role of the President is difficult, Lord. Almost every day I am reprimanded for something or the other - it goes on and on! But I won't give up - it is you who inspired the members to elect me as the President - you find me suitable for the role of the President. So Lord, bless me that I can do my job sincerely. Be my guide, Lord - be my strength and let me do the best according to my capabilities.🙏

Pretty in Purple💜

Today the church looked pretty in purple💜

And I prayed for a good death🙏

In the morning I read that today, way back in 1535 (most probably), St. Teresa of Avila left her home to join a Carmelite monastery - much against the wish of her father! Her father was upset about this!

This reminded me of my father who was upset with me when he read about my conversion in the marriage affidavit. He didn't want to sign them! He signed only when I removed that clause from the affidavit. That was in December 1999.

Without his knowledge, I got converted in April 2001.

But till his death in the very next year in April 2002, I did not tell him. I told no one. But I just went on in life without any closeness to you! I didn't feel anything for you!😥

But then how could you leave me lukewarm?🥰

Your magic started working on me🤗♥️🤗

It became so magical that here I am today, writing to you, my DLL or my Daddy Long Legs and I am your Judith, your Magdalene, who can't live a single moment without writing or conversing with you!🤗🤗

Thank you so much, Lord, for this transformation - for this beautiful life in you!❤️❤️

In your Kingdom, Lord

Dear DLL Jesus,

In today's All Saints Day homily, when the priest said that we all should aspire to be saints to live in God's Kingdom, the immediate thought that came to me was that "I am already in God's Kingdom"! And my heart rejoiced at that! 

From then on, I have been waiting to write about this thought that came to me today! After all, what is God's Kingdom? 

According to Rom 14:17, "Kingdom of God is not a matter of what we eat or drink, but of living a life of goodness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." And I am not striving hard for this?

So Lord, am I not already living in your Kingdom? Am I not a Saint? 

Does your heart pine for me?

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy......."

Dear DLL Jesus,

These Scripture words from yesterday's evening prayer and then for the meditation at the OCDS meeting gave me the answer to my interior battles with which I have been struggling for quite some time now. I realised that if I love you so much without seeing you, how much would I have loved you if I had to see you? I realised that you are that unseen one whom I have been searching for all my life - you are the love of my life - and you are the one whom my heart desires the most! I realised that it's because of this reason that I call myself your Magdalene - the one who loved you the most - you are the one for whom my heart pines! 

And now that I have realised that let nothing come in between our love, Lord! Keep the world away from me and me from this world - let it be only you and me in our world. I pray that you keep me away from all the distractions of this world - let my heart be so entwined and immersed in your love that it doesn't need to worry about anyone and anything! 

I am all yours Lord - be always mine and protect your Magdalene from anything that may distract her from your love - let me always sit at your feet and understand what you have to say to me! I love you, Lord - do you love me as much as I do? Does your heart pine for me?

God's Wonderful People

Today's Entrance Hymn

I love the thrill that I feel

when I get together with

God's wonderful people

Love the thrill that I feel

when I get together with

God's wonderful people

What a sight just to see

all the happy faces

Praising God in heavenly places

What a thrill that I feel

when I get together with

God"s wonderful people

Now it can be just anywhere

Two or three are gathered there

That the spirit of the Lord

will be there too

There's no fellowship so sweet

No thrill can compete

With the thrill, I feel

whenever God's children meet

And on that great reunion day

When our Lord says, 'Come away

And the saints from every land

stream through the gate

Joining loved ones around the throne

At last, we'll all be gathered home

That will be the greatest

the thrill we've ever known

I love the thrill that I feel

when I get together with

God's wonderful people

Love the thrill that I feel

when I get together with

God's wonderful people

What a sight just to see

all the happy faces

Praising God in heavenly places

What a thrill that I feel

when I get together with

God's wonderful people

I love the thrill that I feel

when I get together with

God's wonderful people

Love the thrill that I feel

when I get together with

God's wonderful people

St. Teresa of Avila

Today is the solemnity of St. Teresa of Avila. Since morning I have been receiving forwards on Whatsapp and reading a lot of posts on Facebook. I revere her for being the Founder of the Discalced Carmelites along with St. John of the Cross. They are the Founders of our Order. Without their reformation, our Order would not have existed today. So we owe it to them both.

And it was Blessed John Soreth who included the laity in the religious Order. So a heartfelt thanks to Blessed John Soreth for thinking about us - let him indeed be blessed. 

If I am not wrong did Fr. Rudolph too say something similar? That the origin of the Carmelites on Mount Carmel was through a group of lay people coming together? The priesthood came much later. 

So again a sincere thanks to those Crusaders for establishing this beautiful garden. And I feel so honoured and privileged to be a part of this perfumed garden of Carmel - thank you, Lord, for giving me a small space in this huge garden!!!

Forever indebted.......!

Monastic Life

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today is the day when I just want to go on looking at the photographs and go on writing to you about them!!!🤗 The more I see them the more I want to write to you about them!🤭 But I don't know what exactly to write to you!

The heart is extremely overwhelmed by the whole trip to the Infant Jesus shrine. My love for this beautiful place is simply overflowing right now! But it is not that I am getting the desire to live there - the way it had happened to me in May when I went to Bangalore. It is a feeling that I am unable to explain - I don't want to live in this monastery - no, there's an extremely different kind of feeling that I am getting this time - I can't name it but it could perhaps be "loneliness" - maybe that's it - because I am not getting the same vibes that I got in the Goa monastery - this monastery has a very sombre look and feel - a lot lonelier than Goa. Any which way, it was not a monastery in Bangalore. 

But the Carmel Hill monastery or seminary did not give me a positive vibe - I felt lost and lonely, I managed only because of Fr. Michael, Fr. Lancy and Fr. Deep - even though the others were equally good to me, somehow the monastic life of the young seminarians overwhelmed me - this time I felt that I cannot live that kind of life. Last evening when I was sitting alone listening to Fr. Rudolph's 6 pm Konkani Mass, I was in so much tears that I wanted to come back home at that very moment! Thank you for sending the angel in the form of that priest/deacon who rescued me by speaking to me. That made me get up and go start talking to Fr. Michael - that conversation rejuvenated me a lot! That was the time I started feeling bad for the seminarians studying there - what a hard and disciplined life they live - do everything at the ringing of the bell - unlike last time in Bangalore, this kind of life scared me - I wondered why are their lives so hard - I feel like crying even now while writing this - oh, I am already in tears!😢 Please accept my prayers for them, Lord! My sincere prayers are to strengthen them in this way of life - not only for the young seminarians but the priests also - what an austere and hard life they live and we dare to judge them! They are set apart for you - perhaps that's why you made me sit there outside and brought this enlightenment - make me realize where everyone has been going wrong! 

Thus,  it is my humble request to you to please remind me every day to pray for all your priests and seminarians - even though I may not remember, from today I am dedicating my prayers to them - don't make them feel lonely the way I felt yesterday evening - please strengthen them to carry on the work you have entrusted to them!

Martha and Mary

Dear DLL Jesus,

This morning my eyes opened at 7:50 AM and I scrambled out of the bed to rush to the bathroom as water had already come!🙃 While all this was happening I told myself that I can't afford to wake up so late in Mangalore. The Carmelites wake up so early in the morning and right now most probably they must be having their breakfast! The reply I got from myself was that they have chosen that kind of life!

The moment that thought came to me I remembered Martha and Mary. You told Martha that Mary had 'chosen' one thing and that will not be taken away from her. It was then I realized that the Carmelites were the Marys and I was Martha. I realized that all the laypeople are Marthas and all the priests & religious are Marys. 

I always thought that I was Mary but today I got a different understanding - that I am actually Martha! 

But Martha though I am I would still like to call myself Mary and be at your feet and listen to your every word - as you are aware Lord "my heart is never at peace until it finds its rest in you."🤗

Italy

She was at Salento Airport. From there she was driven to Hotel Orientale. Everything was so beautiful - she was basking in the beauty of Italy. 

She reached the hotel and shyly said "grazie" to the chauffeur! This was the first time she had gotten the opportunity to speak Italian - it was one of the many foreign languages that she had been learning since the lockdown because of the pandemic. She was mighty pleased about it.

She had reached one day before the seminar. The seminar was scheduled for the next two days - Sunday and Monday. Today was Saturday - the rest day - and a luncheon had been arranged for the media - it was at the banquet room. She had hours to rest and get ready for this luncheon. She decided to check into her room. 

Her room was on the first floor. It was tastefully decorated and the window overlooked the beautiful region of Apulia in southern Italy. She quickly dressed up and sat looking at the picturesque Apulia. Soon it would be time to go for the luncheon. 

Today's Recessional Hymn

If I were a butterfly,

I’d thank you, Lord, for giving me wings;

And if I were a robin in a tree,

I’d thank you Lord, that I could sing;

And if I were a fish in the sea,

I’d wiggle my tail and I’d giggle with glee;

But I just Thank You Father, for making me – ME!

’Cause you gave me a heart and

You gave me a smile

You gave me Jesus, and

You made me His Child

And I just Thank You, Father

For making me – ME!

If I were an elephant,

I’d thank you, Lord, by raising my trunk;

And if I were a kangaroo,

I’d hop, hop, hop, right up to you;

And if I were an octopus,

I’d thank you, Lord, for my good looks;

But I just Thank You, Father, for making me – ME!

‘Cause you gave me a heart and

You gave me a smile

You gave me Jesus, and

You made me His Child

And I just Thank You, Father

For making me – ME!

If I were a wiggly worm,

I’d thank you, Lord, that I could squirm;

And if I were a crocodile,

I’d thank you, Lord, for my big smile;

And if I were a fuzzy-wuzzy bear,

I’d thank you, Lord, for my fuzzy-wuzzy hair;

But I just Thank You, Father, for making me – ME!

‘Cause you gave me a heart and

You gave me a smile

You gave me Jesus, and

You made me His Child

And I just Thank You, Father

For making me – ME!

1992

What do I remember from the year 1992?

Probably nothing!

It was the year I turned 16.......

Was it sweet 16 for me? 

Not at all because in 1992, we lived in Durgapur and I lived in my world of cricket and tennis. It was the year of the cricket World Cup and South Africa had come out of the apartheid policy and they were my favourites - right from Kepler Wessels to Jonty Rhodes to Hansie Cronje - all of them were my favourites. Also, Sanjay Manjrekar and Waqar Younis and Arantxa Sanchez Vicario in tennis. I lived my life watching cricket and tennis as there was nothing else. 

I guess the craze for these sports and sports people is what got me into journalism - I was super excited to meet them and write about them! I discovered that I could write and thus the bug of sports journalism started gnawing at me and my 1980s dream of becoming a teacher took a back seat.

It was the year when all the vagaries of a 16-year-old teenager came cascading upon me - all thanks to books and Bollywood movies and songs - especially the songs like Pehla Nasha (Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikander) and Wada Raha Sanam (Khiladi) - I remember being crazy for these songs! 

The songs created havoc in the heart - I wonder how the intellectual PhD students decided their course of life? Did they never fall in and out of love? Or even have crushes? Didn't they ever listen to these romantic songs? Didn't they ever think twice before taking such important decisions about their career? Didn't they ever look back?

Well, for me it was the year when even the idea of a Prince Charming was taking place in the heart!❤️ I had two ambitions in life - to be a sports journalist and be swept away by my handsome Prince Charming.

OMG, I remember so much about the year 1992. And at the beginning of the post, I said I don't remember anything that happened in 1992. But the more I am writing about this year, the more I am reminded about it.

No Philosophical Writing

Dear DLL Jesus, 

On all social media platforms today, the philosophical writings of St. Edith Stein have been posted. My simple heart is unable to understand some of these heavy writings. Your Magdalene can neither write nor understand these heavy writings about her love for you. All I know is that I love you a lot and I am nothing without loving you - you are the be-all and end-all of my life! I feel guilty when I offend you and happy when I can overcome my regular temptations. I have never offended you intentionally and thus my heart desires to die loving you - a peaceful and happy death - in your church! It will be okay if no one comes to my funeral - after all what is the use of remembering me after my death? 

So Lord, this simple Magdalene of yours knows just one simple thing she loves you very much!!! That's my philosophy of life!

St. Edith Stein (St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross)

Dear DLL Jesus,

Hers is an equally beautiful story like all other Carmelite saints. But what I love about Edith Stein is that in 1933 at the age of forty-three, her dreams of entering a Carmelite monastery were finally fulfilled. She moved to a Carmelite Monastery in the Netherlands. This is what I like the most - she getting converted and living in a Carmelite monastery - what a beautiful place to live in - what a beautiful experience!

This is what inspires me the most - to be patient and wait – wait for your perfect timing in my life! If her desire to enter a monastery was fulfilled at the age of 43, even my long-cherished dream of living in a monastery will be fulfilled in your time. If not live, at least stay in a monastery for a few days as an OCDS member when we have our seminars and regional meets and Congress or even provincial level election - at that time, Lord, if it is your will, let me stay in a Carmelite monastery for a few days. Lord, I will wait patiently for that perfect timing!

Old Manuscripts

Today I found some old manuscripts of some of the short stories that I had written many many years ago when I aspired to be a short story writer. The stories have not yet seen the light of the day as I never forwarded my stories to anyone. These short stories are from a different genre and are very close to my heart. So I will publish them slowly here and be happy in my world. 

1988

Dear DLL Jesus, 

For many days now I have felt like writing about my life in the 1980s.

There are hardly many memories of the 1980s but they are happy ones - my dad had not yet become a ruthless man - he still liked me! 

The happiest memory of the 1980s is of my 12th birthday when my dad gave me 12 gifts. That was in 1988 and that year itself has happy memories for me. It was my 12th birthday and I had received 12 gifts from my dad. I was doing averagely good in my studies, at least passing in all subjects, I was the favourite of my class teacher and also of the Maths teacher. I don't know what happened to her afterwards - she suddenly stopped liking me - I was disheartened. But my class teacher who taught us English always liked me and she was the only person who ever called me beautiful. So I was extremely fond of her. 

It was the year QSQT was released and I had become a great fan of Aamir Khan. Since then many favourites have changed but he has been a constant favourite of mine!

I was an enthusiastic child and participated in all the school activities - just the way I participate in all the OCDS activities now! 

I had a garden which I loved ❤️ even though it hardly had any plants in it!

So basically 1988 is the most memorable year of my life!!!

Story of Life

Dear DLL Jesus, 

Today is the 6th of the month - the day I release my magazine every month and the day my Scripture reflections are circulated to everyone!🤗

These two things have already happened and I am very pleased with these happenings! The magazine has been receiving good reviews since the time I shared it on all social media platforms! No hard feelings this time!🤗

In the morning I received my pocket money as well - so no hard feelings there as well - and so the heart should have been happy as well - but it's not! This stupid heart is never happy! No matter how much I want to be happy, this heart doesn't allow me to be happy - it has its woes and is turning out to be a drama queen!

So now it heard the romantic songs on Spotify from the movies MPK "mere rang mein rangne wali" and from TEZAAB "Keh do ki tum ho meri Warna" and it has turned nostalgic and gone in the early 1990s. Lingering there and trying to make me sentimental. Whenever this happens all the memories keep flashing - how much my life has been influenced by these Bollywood songs and movies! I wonder what must be the condition of others - how could they be spared from the Bollywood temptations and focus on life - studies and careers - all the intellectual PhD degree holders, how could they manage to keep themselves away from such distraction? Be sure of what they want to achieve in life. I wonder about the kind of discipline and self-control they must have endured. Or was it family pressure? I had my kind of family pressure. These intellectuals must have had their kind of pressure - sometimes I wonder and feel like asking about their story of life!

Feast of St. John Mary Vianney

Keep them, I pray Thee, dearest Lord,

keep them, for they are Thine

Thy priests whose lives burn out

before Thy consecrated shrine.

Keep them, for they are in the world,

though from the world apart;

when earthly pleasures tempt, allure

shelter them in Thy heart.

Keep them, and comfort them

in hours of loneliness and pain,

when all their lives of sacrifice

for souls seems but in vain.

Keep them, and O remember, Lord,

they have no one but Thee,

yet they have only human hearts,

with human frailty.

Keep them as spotless as the Host,

that daily they caress;

their every thought and word and deed,

Deign, dearest Lord, to bless.

The 1990s

A lot happened in the 1990s,

When my heart was infected with numerous fatalities!

Some I liked didn't like me,

The eyes cried and had many queries! 

Teary-eyed I clutched my Teddu,

Grim-faced I confided in Motu,

With a sad smile, I caressed Snoopy 

And gently relinquished being sleepy.

This was my life in the 1990s

Until I learned to shatter my dreams!

Then I realised life could be awful

With never-ending yells and screams! 

Lord, I beg you to give me a few days now

To live life to the fullest,

To enjoy the resplendent affection

That felt like two and a half days in heaven!

Everything seems hazy!

Dear DLL Jesus, 

I want to write something. 

But I don't know what to write. 

My mind isn't working as nothing seems right.

The feeling that I am going through is driving me crazy. There are tears welling in my eyes, everything seems hazy.

Now, what did I do to receive such treatment?

Oh, in what way did I make a wrong statement?

The heart is unable to understand,

That I am never to enter my Promised Land.

Lord, please help me to overlook this bypass.

Soothe my heart with your loving stars.

Jesus, I love you!❤️

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today is the Feast of the Sacred Heart ❤️ of Jesus!

During the meditation, it was revealed to me that what is in my heart ❤️ should remain in my heart ❤️. So I take this as my divine revelation today!

Soon after my morning prayers, I happened to see a glimpse of the Carmel Kiran Eucharistic celebration transmitted on YouTube. I heard that part of the homily wherein we were asked to make a sign of the heart ❤️ and say Jesus, "I love you" - throughout the day - because Fr. Rudolph had seen a young couple and a father-daughter duo doing that to each other. Thus he asked everyone to do that to Jesus throughout the day today! Isn't it a swell thing to do?

Well Jesus I say "I love you" to you every day but today I say a special "I love you" to you by making a heart ❤️  with my fingers! 

PS: Today I complete one month of waking up early to meditate and pray!

We have decided to take Goldie's admission to Renaissance college, Indore! Hopefully, we are taking the right decision.

Days of Innocence

Lord, please give me back my days of innocence, 

When I read Nancy Drew and Charles Dickens!

When I grew jasmines and roses,

And played with puppies and kittens! 

Lord, please give me back my days of adolescence,

When I watched tennis and cricket!

How my heart leapt at every wicket!

When I perched on the window sill

watching every raindrop at my will.

Lord, please give me back my integrity 

When I did all things with honesty!

Lord, I am exhausted of this trajectory

As I find a diminished sincerity!

Lord, as I march on in life,

I fail to realise why this plight?

Lord, please give me back my purity,

To maintain my sanctity and sanity!

22 June 2022

As I glimpsed you amidst the multitude,

My heart leapt with joy and happiness!

But did I fail to observe on your countenance,

The same joy and happiness!

Why were your eyes not glinting

And your lips not gleaming 

The way they used to on my beholding?

What thoughts bother you?

What are your troubles?

The Lord says "my presence is enough"

For all your struggles.

Lord, what did you look like?

Dear DLL Jesus, 

Today in the morning while listening to the Hindi hymns, I was wondering what you must have looked like?❤️ 

What we see today is the imagination of various artists and writers - the description handed down by your apostles - has been drawn and written by the artists and writers! Is it anywhere close to what you looked like?

Lord, what did you look like? I want to know. 

Did you have a wheatish complexion? Did you comb your hair sideways? Were you clean-shaven? Did you whistle? Did you like animals? What did you do when you didn't preach and pray and did miracles? I want to know everything. Can you please take me back to your time, just for one day, to be with you and see for myself all your daily activities? Can you please grant me just one day to walk back with you?

See what I wrote yesterday:

Your existence is my greatest happiness,

Nothing can dissuade this sensibility!

My heart rejoices at this certainty,

That no one can take you away at any possibility!

Hope you like it. 

Italian

Today was the day two years ago during the lockdown that I started learning Italian. 

I had already started learning Spanish on 22 April and I wanted to learn another language. So I took to learning Italian. 

I wanted to read and understand the writings of Italian Carmelite saints and also go on a gondola ride in Venice. 

Our Father

Dear DLL Jesus, 

Till now I have not received any divine revelation from you!

But there's one thing that I want to share with you - it's the prayer of Our Father which is in today's gospel. I have been wanting to write about it for quite some time now. Today I got the opportunity.

I had known about the prayer Our Father even before you invited me into your family. It was our school prayer in St. Michael's school, Durgapur. It was printed in the school calendar and we had to say it daily, most probably during the break though I could be wrong. But we did say it daily. 

So when I started attending Mass in 1999 Our Father was the only prayer I could connect to and also knew it almost by heart. Though there were some variations in the words I tried to say it fully, thanks to the daily recitation at St. Michael's school from 1989 to 1993. 

I have been wanting to write this for quite some time now but today I finally wrote it. 

Beautiful Garden

Today I did some gardening after quite a long time!

While I was gardening I realised that the meaning of Carmel is "a beautiful garden" - and my heart blossomed at this realisation!

No wonder then I have always loved gardens and plants and animals and everything related to a beautiful garden. Since my childhood, I have loved gardens and aspired to have one. But I never could and so I have been growing potted plants in the house and being happy with my version of a beautiful garden!

I am also in love with the beautiful garden that is there in the Carmelite monastery in Goa. That is the only monastery I have ever been to and seen and so for me, it's the most beautiful monastery in the whole wide world. I just adore it and my love for monasteries started from there!

Today's Divine Revelation

Dear DLL Jesus, 

Today's divine revelation for me is that you gifted me with faith!

As I have written before my life between the years 1996 to 1999 was immensely painful and a total waste! As a loner, without proper guidance from my father and elder brothers, I kept struggling with everything I did. 

I didn't even know you - but you always knew me - so you felt pity for me because I was searching for happiness in all the wrong places! You very well knew that I could never find my happiness if I searched all alone - so you took me into your family and kept nourishing me with faith! You gifted me Faith to show me the beauty of Carmel - that's where my happiness was - not in the places I was searching! I was searching in vain!

But now my search is complete - you helped me find my happiness in Carmel - recognise my happiness in Carmel and now my heart is indebted to you for the great love you have shown to me in Carmel!

Oh, what a beautiful dream!

Dear DLL Jesus, 

Today I have been wondering about the exact time when I had stopped chasing my dream. I guess I had stopped chasing my dream when I had to accept the bitter facts of my life to carry on! I had to keep my dream on the back burner and accept the harsh truth of life that not everyone has their dreams come true. I lost the battle against the world.

But this dream was always there on the subconscious level. The dream always came out at all the wrong junctions of life. This dream always embarrassed me in all the wrong places - it made me lose my dignity and respect!

But now my dream has come true! And since this dream was always meant to pacify me and do me good, it is not embarrassing me in any way! I also know the reason why I couldn't fulfil my dream at that time - why it never came true at that time. It's simply because my dream had to set me free, just like you have set me free! The goal of my dream was to set myself free from all the debacles of my life. It was the role of my dream to make me realise its true beauty - oh what a beautiful dream it is - so perfect, so soothing, a dream that I had always dreamed of.

Blissful State

Lord, my life has taken a full circle,

I have reached from where I had taken off.

It took me aeons to realise

That all my attempts had been futile!

Those days of history have merged into today's mystery,

Little did I know that my restless soul

Would someday reach its final goal.

Lord, I intend to rest in this blissful state,

Till I reach the deadly Gate,

Let me live my life a little

Until I get the last stifle!

The Thunderbolt

The heart is unable to forget the where-have-i-seen-you-before look,

The Earth underneath your feet must have also shaken! 

The heart still thinks of that precious moment,

When within no minutes you had it overtaken!

The thunderbolt that had appeared in the afternoon sky still rages on,

The heart finds it so hard to live and think beyond!

The whistling in the woods and the twinkling in the bush,

Is what the heart is unable to push!

Ancient Past

Lord, my heart keeps thinking of the ancient past,

Of the days and nights that didn't much last,

The whistling and the chasing and the songs that I sang,

The midday bell that always rang!

A piece of my heart still lingers there,

Powerless in this present world!

The more I think the more I fail,

To stop this sudden swirl.

Lord, help me to find my way back,

Give me your grace to still my heart,

Give me your love to forget and make a fresh start!

Carmel Peace

When my life was in a shamble,

Lord, you placed me in the garden of Carmel!

When my heart couldn't endure the piece,

You placed in it the Carmel peace!

My heart forever sings your glorious praise,

I think of you all through the nights and days! 

I don't know why I love you so much,

What could be the reason for loving such?

Lord, take me to the days of old

When my dreams weren't yet sold. 

When I dreamed happy dreams,

When I sat idle beside the streams!

When I inscribed into the page,

A life ahead of my age, 

Dreaming and desiring,

Life outside the cage!

I love Carmel

I love Carmel from the deepest bottom of my heart!❤️ 

I want to live and die in Carmel!

Oh, what a wonderful privilege to have my spiritual name - Jubilee Cardozo of St. Mary Magdalene - a Saint so close to my heart! A Saint who loved Jesus so much - someone whose life Jesus transformed by his love - just like mine!

What a beautiful privilege it will be to be buried in my scapular and OCDS written on my headstone! I wonder how many of them will come to know when I die? 

Still, I love Carmel and will continue to be in love with Carmel!

I found my Peace in Carmel - a Peace which the world will not be able to take away! 

Not anymore!!!

3 December 2015

My love for Jesus just kept growing! 

There was no looking back!

3 December 2015 (Thursday) was the most beautiful day of my life. I was invited to be a part of the OCDS!

But I was a fool to have not understood the beauty of Carmel at that initial stage. So I decided to leave. But Jesus wanted me to be a part of this beautiful Order and so, through the Spiritual Assistant, forced me to stay back. So I stayed back!!! 

Since then I have taken it upon myself to know more about the charisms and beauty of Carmel. I have done my research and made my notes and understood the value of this beautiful Carmelite Order. The writings and lives of the Carmelite Saints have helped me immensely. These writings and prayers have made me whatever I am today! Every day is a day of transformation for me - I learn something new every day!

2010

I wrote that whatever I did I did it wholeheartedly!

So Jesus must have liked whatever I was doing!

He must have known that I was capable of much more than what I was doing! So from 2010 onwards, Jesus started taking me closer and closer to him. He kept increasing my zeal for spiritual exercises. He kept growing my spiritual fervour and love for him. I started loving him more and more and it surprised me how could I love him so much! The inlaws too wondered how could I love Jesus so much -  more than their love for Jesus - they had a problem with my love for Jesus also! How could I love Jesus so much?

2001

During the Easter vigil in 2001, I got baptised after much pressure from the inlaws. I was expecting my first baby and we were thrown out of the house for the second time. None of the people who forced me into Christianity was present during the baptism. Only the two of us. My RCIA sponsor had gifted me a Bible. So I used to read the Bible in the afternoons as I had stopped going to work after falling at Mira Road station. 

I wrote down the verses that I liked - I still have them with me! I used to pray also - just mumbled a few words about the safety of my baby in my womb! I attended Sunday Mass regularly. Those were the few spiritual exercises I did for the next few years - I didn't know what else to do! But whatever I did I did it wholeheartedly! 

1999 onwards.......

1999 ended with my marriage!

Keeping my Prince Charming on the back burner, I started a new life. But this new life turned out to be worse than the previous one - it was like jumping into the fire from the frying pan - the inlaws turned out to be worse than my family! But I was helpless - I had rebelled against my father to get married and leave the hell created by him. He threatened me and told me not to be back if anything went wrong. Same treatment from one of my brothers. So I could not go back to them! 

And then one fine night, two months after our marriage, the inlaws threw the two of us from their house. We were homeless. If Mr Hubby had not supported me and had listened to his parents, my life would have turned out to be a living hell all over again - my family would have been proven right - and they would have forever cursed me for being rebellious to them! 

But like I said before, Jesus had a different plan for me! Even though I didn't know him, he knew me from my mother's womb. That's why he didn't give me my Prince Charming at that time - perhaps I didn't need him then - I needed someone who would be an instrument in getting me into Christianity, in getting me to know Christ, who had been waiting to include me into his family and eventually into Carmel - the most beautiful place in the world! 

1999

I started 1999 with a debacle!

I lost my job in the very first month!

I was broke in February and March. 

In March I got a freelance writing assignment and it was during this assignment that Mr Hubby made his entry into my life. But I didn't even look his way when he asked me to keep the change money (it's a different story altogether). But somehow I knew he was one of those again who would be making me say no as he didn't match the description of my Prince Charming. I was so tired of this!

So for the next two and a half months, I didn't bother to get in touch with him even though he had asked me to! But Jesus had a different plan for my life which I was unaware of - I was unaware of Jesus also - but he was very much aware of me!!!

1997 and 1998

They say that the more you try to remember, the more you are reminded! So when I wrote about my life in 1996, the more I am reminded of my life in the following two years.

The following two years 1997 and 1998 were the most difficult years of my life. As the atrocities at home kept increasing, there was a desperate need of earning my own money to keep me going. Though I desired to write for big publications, they would not allow me to work because of my non-qualifications. So I had to make do with small b2b publications that didn't mind my non-qualifications. The salary was just enough to sustain me. 

Though my life was in shambles I had high hopes. I had the high hopes that my tall, dark and handsome Prince Charming would soon come riding on his horse, fall head over heels in love with me and sweep me off my feet. I wanted my Prince Charming to be an Air Force pilot because my father was in the Air Force. That was the only thing about him that I liked. 

So day in and day out I just kept dreaming and waiting for my Prince Charming. It was so difficult to like and dislike all the wrong guys during this waiting period. I broke many hearts and many broke my heart. No matter how much I searched no one was able to fit into my definition of my Prince Charming. No one matched his description. I was always heartbroken.

What painful days and nights and years those were! There was no peace anywhere, no one matched the description of my Prince Charming and I was wondering whether he existed anywhere!

My life in 1996

In 1996 I lived in Vasai. It was my burning desire to be a journalist. So I joined Exim on 1st February as a trainee journalist. I was a part timer. In the morning I went to the office and came back in the afternoon to attend college. I was on cloud nine. Thus went on life for a few months. 

Then I fell sick! It was quite bad so the doctor advised a change of place. So my mother took me to her sister's house in Jamshedpur. We stayed there for a couple of months. I enjoyed it over there. There were no distractions and the heart was quite peaceful. But then it was time to come back to my maddening world - come back to my alcoholic father and two dominating elder brothers! I didn't want to but I had to! 

So I came back to Vasai. Again my heart was restless. So I started looking out for a job. Though I got a job it was not a writing job. Still, I took it up because I wanted to be away from my maddening family as much as possible. It was a full-time job and I was happy because it allowed me to be away from the wrath of my father. Since I was single, I indulged in my clothes as I loved to wear pretty clothes. 

Here I would not say that I enjoyed my singlehood as it was not that easy. It was so much difficult to handle my inferiority complex because of my father. He made me feel like a non-achiever - nothing I did could make him happy - so I was a rebel in my own way - I did exactly what he didn't want me to!

That is how my life was in the year 1996. 

A 20-year-old college dropout who had no idea what to do in life - different from her family in her ideology and confused and a loner and headstrong!!! 

Beautiful Garden of Carmel

Lord, in your beautiful garden of Carmel

Let me be a flower so rare!

When your angel of peace passes through my midst,

Let me dazzle up his countenance so fair!

Morning and evening let me gently sway

To brighten the angel's way!

One loving glance from the angel of peace

Is what I ask to not shatter into a piece!

Your angel of peace is what I seek

In your beautiful garden of Carmel.

Let my days and nights fill the angel's heart with intrigue and marvel.

My Peace

I found my peace in Carmel,

I found my happiness in Carmel,

My peace and my happiness always existed in Carmel,

I didn't know I just had to seek in Carmel.

Carmel is where my heart belongs,

Carmel is where my soul belongs,

Carmel is where lead all my songs,

Carmel is where I am destined to throng. 

Oh, what peace there is in Carmel, 

In its resplendent beauty, my eyes marvel. 

Now I know your plans, Lord

Now I know why here I trod,

When my life was in crumble,

You beckoned to me the beauty of Carmel!

By Jubilee Cardozo 

What is prayer?

Day 4: Homily by Rev. Fr. (Dr.) Rudolph Raj Pinto, OCD:

Prayer is a relationship. A relationship with God. So if prayer is conversing with God, being in relationship with God, where was God in Mary's life? God was in her womb. She lived prayer in her heart, in her womb. This is the secret to our prayer. After all the spiritual exercises, it is to feel the presence of God, the closeness, the nearness of God to yourself. The basic fundamental to being in a relationship with God is to have an intimate relationship with God - that we are bound to him in blood. 

In the mystical realm, we also hear of the prayer of simplicity. It's not necessary to have the intellectual to make great prayers, what is important is to come into the presence of the Lord, and just be in his presence. Prayer is feeling God close to you and this requires constant practice. My presence is enough for you, says the Lord. Just be in his presence. Sit and relax with the Lord - that is prayer. 

Since none of us gives attention to our tired souls St. Ambrose says that for many Christians the soul has gone dry and dead. The only way to recover the health of your soul is through prayer. St. Ambrose asks us to revive our souls. Lord knows us through our hearts and not through our lips and our hands. So let us remember that prayer is simple - wherever you might be lost when you come to His presence, he knows you are there and he will attend to you!!!

The Lord loves you the more!

An excerpt from the Lenten retreat (Day 3) given to us by Fr. Rudolph Raj Pinto:

God requires us to be His children. To be a God no, but to be a Father. So know your worth. Don’t ever call yourself worthless. Even if you are a sinner, even if you are fragile, even if you have hundreds of limitations, still He is your Father. A mother loves a handicapped child more especially. So if you are handicapped in your spiritual life, if you find yourself unworthy, do not give up hope. The Lord loves you the more. Little Flower puts it so well because there are habitual sinners. Is it that you are instilled to fall into your habitual sin or is the Lord making you fall into that sin? Little Flower gives the example of a child who runs again and again and falls so that the father or the mother comes running to pick the child up. So is your soul doing the same game with the Father? To get that attention of the heavenly Father, to get the benefit of the love of that merciful Father, could your soul also be playing the same games? So let us play these games with the heavenly Father because we are his children. We have that freedom. So it could be that your soul is playing those games to get the attention of the Father. So you have an easy solution for your habitual offence that it could be by the will of God. So do not ever give up hope. 

Are you sinning?

Excerpts from Day 2 of the Lenten retreat preached to us by Fr. Rudolph Raj Pinto:

The more He loves us, the more He makes us suffer. It may not reason for human reason. The Lord intends to purify us. That's why there are sufferings in our life. If you have sufferings, you are not the cursed one - you are the blessed one! If you are struggling with your faith, you are on the right track - that is the sign of your sanctity! To the best of the saints, the Lord allowed them to be tempted so that they are more steadfast in their spiritual growth. Do you find yourself in weak moments? Are you sinning? Know that you are that blessed one. That's why Jesus says that He's come for the sinners, not for the righteous! Had we not sinned, there was no need for the son of God to come to us. 

"The pleasures of the present time always lead to doom"!

Dear DLL Jesus, 

My heart became extremely doubtful soon after my morning prayer and meditation! While I was in the kitchen, my heart started doubting your love for me! I was in tears to realise that since the year I started coming close to you, the trials and tribulations of my life have increased - I have been undergoing the same trials again and again and again! No matter how much I try my trials keep increasing - I doubted whether it was better to have not come so close to you - I would have been spared these trials!

So in this doubtful state of my heart, I thought of watching the YouTube videos of Fr. Rudolph Raj Pinto, who preached to us during the Lenten season. I heard him very attentively this time and also rewrote the notes that I had made during the retreat. 

I conclude just one thing - "the pleasures of the present time always lead to doom"!

So I have got the answer to all my doubts! From the time I have been coming close to you, you have been saving me from my doom! I would have been doomed by these same trials and tribulations if you were not by my side - you have drawn me closer to you and not the other way around! You have drawn me closer and closer because you always knew I would have been doomed without you - the fact is that you have been saving me from all my trials and tribulations - you always knew I would always have them - it's just that you have been protecting me from them! 

Thank you, Lord, for this enlightenment! I am so sorry for doubting - your love for me and my love for you!!! Please Lord please forgive me! I am extremely sorry!!!

Your Faith Has Saved You

https://youtu.be/xNqJ6l35IFA

Day 1

1) Dare to come to Jesus - You dare to come to Jesus, you will go back in peace. He will not send you empty handed.

2) Weep your sins - You weep your sins, Jesus says you are forgiven. The mere presence of Jesus is more than enough for her. She cuts off her sinfulness (her hair) that could lead her to sin again later. Anything that could lead you to sin has to be cut off. The pleasures of the present time always lead to doom. 

3) Surrender to Jesus and you will be saved. Your faith has saved you. 

As my heart has been restless today, I decided to go through the Lenten retreat that was preached by our Carmelite Priest Fr. Rudolph Raj Pinto. 

I got new enlightenment! So feeling much better than what I had been feeling since morning. Today I heard him preach on Day 1. Every day I will listen to one episode of his preaching that was given for the entire week.