Calm and composed

By degrees I am returning to my accustomed way of life. I am no longer mournfully absorbed over the ruins of my broken ‘cup’. Actually, faces sometimes tell truth and what I saw and beheld exactly a week ago, have helped me burst into a new life and a new set of thoughts. I am no longer in a restless frame of mind.

The ‘woman in white’ in me is gone.......gone forever! I no longer feel tired and out of spirits. I no longer dread thinking “What shall I see in my dreams tonight?” Last fortnight has done much good to me – I sleep peacefully and rouse refreshed. I am glad that the pang has passed, and though nothing but the dull numbing pain of it has still remained, I am sure I’ll be able to get over this soon.

I am quite sure now that I had highly-overrated this entire episode of my life and living in pain for no apparent reason. This absolutely unnecessary pain had started reflecting on my face – now my face as well as me – are perfectly calm and composed. My face doesn’t show any traits of fatigue. My head no longer whirls and I am not jaded in body and mind. My mind isn’t flighty and my eyes aren’t inattentive anymore…like earlier!

I am my own self now – the peaceful, fast-flowing, happy times, are back…for me! My music and books have been my refuge – from MYSELF.....I sincerely pray that those days may never return. My way of life is very different from the rest of the world. I don’t want anxiety to unsettle my world.

I don’t want my tomorrows to be cruel to me and for this; I want to say good-bye to the bad world forever. I want to be happy in my own world and I guess a change of scene or may be a change of occupation may really be the salvation for me at this so-called crisis in my life. I want to always keep on doing something so that I don’t have to think – that is all I ask now. On weekends, I will occupy myself wholeheartedly to the cleaning and dusting of the house - bedroom, toilet, and kitchen – I’ll make them as clean as new.

From last night I again started bedtime reading with my daughters. I don’t remember when exactly I had stopped bedtime reading with them – they were feeling so happy when I was reading aloud to them – honestly, even I was feeling so nice!

Patience and more patience is all I want. But as per a beautiful line in THE WOMAN IN WHITE, “where is the faultless human creature that can persevere in a good resolution, without sometimes failing and falling back?” The weakling that I am, I will no longer act on impulses which even I cannot explain to myself. There will surely be a change in me. I have to maintain my degrading self-control as I cannot walk upon egg-shells anymore! Never again will I allow anybody to wound me in my sentiments any more. I will have to remember my resolution to control myself.

I hope Satan won’t throw too many obstacles in my way! I feel like going on a self-imposed exile again and when I come back this time, I hope, pray, believe that I should come back a changed woman. I don’t mind running some risk of being forgotten altogether.....