Jesus, I love you!❤️

Dear DLL Jesus,

Today is the Feast of the Sacred Heart ❤️ of Jesus!

During the meditation, it was revealed to me that what is in my heart ❤️ should remain in my heart ❤️. So I take this as my divine revelation today!

Soon after my morning prayers, I happened to see a glimpse of the Carmel Kiran Eucharistic celebration transmitted on YouTube. I heard that part of the homily wherein we were asked to make a sign of the heart ❤️ and say Jesus, "I love you" - throughout the day - because Fr. Rudolph had seen a young couple and a father-daughter duo doing that to each other. Thus he asked everyone to do that to Jesus throughout the day today! Isn't it a swell thing to do?

Well Jesus I say "I love you" to you every day but today I say a special "I love you" to you by making a heart ❤️  with my fingers! 

PS: Today I complete one month of waking up early to meditate and pray!

We have decided to take Goldie's admission to Renaissance college, Indore! Hopefully, we are taking the right decision.

Days of Innocence

Lord, please give me back my days of innocence, 

When I read Nancy Drew and Charles Dickens!

When I grew jasmines and roses,

And played with puppies and kittens! 

Lord, please give me back my days of adolescence,

When I watched tennis and cricket!

How my heart leapt at every wicket!

When I perched on the window sill

watching every raindrop at my will.

Lord, please give me back my integrity 

When I did all things with honesty!

Lord, I am exhausted of this trajectory

As I find a diminished sincerity!

Lord, as I march on in life,

I fail to realise why this plight?

Lord, please give me back my purity,

To maintain my sanctity and sanity!

22 June 2022

As I glimpsed you amidst the multitude,

My heart leapt with joy and happiness!

But did I fail to observe on your countenance,

The same joy and happiness!

Why were your eyes not glinting

And your lips not gleaming 

The way they used to on my beholding?

What thoughts bother you?

What are your troubles?

The Lord says "my presence is enough"

For all your struggles.

Lord, what did you look like?

Dear DLL Jesus, 

Today in the morning while listening to the Hindi hymns, I was wondering what you must have looked like?❤️ 

What we see today is the imagination of various artists and writers - the description handed down by your apostles - has been drawn and written by the artists and writers! Is it anywhere close to what you looked like?

Lord, what did you look like? I want to know. 

Did you have a wheatish complexion? Did you comb your hair sideways? Were you clean-shaven? Did you whistle? Did you like animals? What did you do when you didn't preach and pray and did miracles? I want to know everything. Can you please take me back to your time, just for one day, to be with you and see for myself all your daily activities? Can you please grant me just one day to walk back with you?

See what I wrote yesterday:

Your existence is my greatest happiness,

Nothing can dissuade this sensibility!

My heart rejoices at this certainty,

That no one can take you away at any possibility!

Hope you like it. 

Italian

Today was the day two years ago during the lockdown that I started learning Italian. 

I had already started learning Spanish on 22 April and I wanted to learn another language. So I took to learning Italian. 

I wanted to read and understand the writings of Italian Carmelite saints and also go on a gondola ride in Venice. 

Our Father

Dear DLL Jesus, 

Till now I have not received any divine revelation from you!

But there's one thing that I want to share with you - it's the prayer of Our Father which is in today's gospel. I have been wanting to write about it for quite some time now. Today I got the opportunity.

I had known about the prayer Our Father even before you invited me into your family. It was our school prayer in St. Michael's school, Durgapur. It was printed in the school calendar and we had to say it daily, most probably during the break though I could be wrong. But we did say it daily. 

So when I started attending Mass in 1999 Our Father was the only prayer I could connect to and also knew it almost by heart. Though there were some variations in the words I tried to say it fully, thanks to the daily recitation at St. Michael's school from 1989 to 1993. 

I have been wanting to write this for quite some time now but today I finally wrote it. 

Beautiful Garden

Today I did some gardening after quite a long time!

While I was gardening I realised that the meaning of Carmel is "a beautiful garden" - and my heart blossomed at this realisation!

No wonder then I have always loved gardens and plants and animals and everything related to a beautiful garden. Since my childhood, I have loved gardens and aspired to have one. But I never could and so I have been growing potted plants in the house and being happy with my version of a beautiful garden!

I am also in love with the beautiful garden that is there in the Carmelite monastery in Goa. That is the only monastery I have ever been to and seen and so for me, it's the most beautiful monastery in the whole wide world. I just adore it and my love for monasteries started from there!

Today's Divine Revelation

Dear DLL Jesus, 

Today's divine revelation for me is that you gifted me with faith!

As I have written before my life between the years 1996 to 1999 was immensely painful and a total waste! As a loner, without proper guidance from my father and elder brothers, I kept struggling with everything I did. 

I didn't even know you - but you always knew me - so you felt pity for me because I was searching for happiness in all the wrong places! You very well knew that I could never find my happiness if I searched all alone - so you took me into your family and kept nourishing me with faith! You gifted me Faith to show me the beauty of Carmel - that's where my happiness was - not in the places I was searching! I was searching in vain!

But now my search is complete - you helped me find my happiness in Carmel - recognise my happiness in Carmel and now my heart is indebted to you for the great love you have shown to me in Carmel!

Oh, what a beautiful dream!

Dear DLL Jesus, 

Today I have been wondering about the exact time when I had stopped chasing my dream. I guess I had stopped chasing my dream when I had to accept the bitter facts of my life to carry on! I had to keep my dream on the back burner and accept the harsh truth of life that not everyone has their dreams come true. I lost the battle against the world.

But this dream was always there on the subconscious level. The dream always came out at all the wrong junctions of life. This dream always embarrassed me in all the wrong places - it made me lose my dignity and respect!

But now my dream has come true! And since this dream was always meant to pacify me and do me good, it is not embarrassing me in any way! I also know the reason why I couldn't fulfil my dream at that time - why it never came true at that time. It's simply because my dream had to set me free, just like you have set me free! The goal of my dream was to set myself free from all the debacles of my life. It was the role of my dream to make me realise its true beauty - oh what a beautiful dream it is - so perfect, so soothing, a dream that I had always dreamed of.

Blissful State

Lord, my life has taken a full circle,

I have reached from where I had taken off.

It took me aeons to realise

That all my attempts had been futile!

Those days of history have merged into today's mystery,

Little did I know that my restless soul

Would someday reach its final goal.

Lord, I intend to rest in this blissful state,

Till I reach the deadly Gate,

Let me live my life a little

Until I get the last stifle!

The Thunderbolt

The heart is unable to forget the where-have-i-seen-you-before look,

The Earth underneath your feet must have also shaken! 

The heart still thinks of that precious moment,

When within no minutes you had it overtaken!

The thunderbolt that had appeared in the afternoon sky still rages on,

The heart finds it so hard to live and think beyond!

The whistling in the woods and the twinkling in the bush,

Is what the heart is unable to push!

Ancient Past

Lord, my heart keeps thinking of the ancient past,

Of the days and nights that didn't much last,

The whistling and the chasing and the songs that I sang,

The midday bell that always rang!

A piece of my heart still lingers there,

Powerless in this present world!

The more I think the more I fail,

To stop this sudden swirl.

Lord, help me to find my way back,

Give me your grace to still my heart,

Give me your love to forget and make a fresh start!

Carmel Peace

When my life was in a shamble,

Lord, you placed me in the garden of Carmel!

When my heart couldn't endure the piece,

You placed in it the Carmel peace!

My heart forever sings your glorious praise,

I think of you all through the nights and days! 

I don't know why I love you so much,

What could be the reason for loving such?

Lord, take me to the days of old

When my dreams weren't yet sold. 

When I dreamed happy dreams,

When I sat idle beside the streams!

When I inscribed into the page,

A life ahead of my age, 

Dreaming and desiring,

Life outside the cage!

I love Carmel

I love Carmel from the deepest bottom of my heart!❤️ 

I want to live and die in Carmel!

Oh, what a wonderful privilege to have my spiritual name - Jubilee Cardozo of St. Mary Magdalene - a Saint so close to my heart! A Saint who loved Jesus so much - someone whose life Jesus transformed by his love - just like mine!

What a beautiful privilege it will be to be buried in my scapular and OCDS written on my headstone! I wonder how many of them will come to know when I die? 

Still, I love Carmel and will continue to be in love with Carmel!

I found my Peace in Carmel - a Peace which the world will not be able to take away! 

Not anymore!!!

3 December 2015

My love for Jesus just kept growing! 

There was no looking back!

3 December 2015 (Thursday) was the most beautiful day of my life. I was invited to be a part of the OCDS!

But I was a fool to have not understood the beauty of Carmel at that initial stage. So I decided to leave. But Jesus wanted me to be a part of this beautiful Order and so, through the Spiritual Assistant, forced me to stay back. So I stayed back!!! 

Since then I have taken it upon myself to know more about the charisms and beauty of Carmel. I have done my research and made my notes and understood the value of this beautiful Carmelite Order. The writings and lives of the Carmelite Saints have helped me immensely. These writings and prayers have made me whatever I am today! Every day is a day of transformation for me - I learn something new every day!

2010

I wrote that whatever I did I did it wholeheartedly!

So Jesus must have liked whatever I was doing!

He must have known that I was capable of much more than what I was doing! So from 2010 onwards, Jesus started taking me closer and closer to him. He kept increasing my zeal for spiritual exercises. He kept growing my spiritual fervour and love for him. I started loving him more and more and it surprised me how could I love him so much! The inlaws too wondered how could I love Jesus so much -  more than their love for Jesus - they had a problem with my love for Jesus also! How could I love Jesus so much?

2001

During the Easter vigil in 2001, I got baptised after much pressure from the inlaws. I was expecting my first baby and we were thrown out of the house for the second time. None of the people who forced me into Christianity was present during the baptism. Only the two of us. My RCIA sponsor had gifted me a Bible. So I used to read the Bible in the afternoons as I had stopped going to work after falling at Mira Road station. 

I wrote down the verses that I liked - I still have them with me! I used to pray also - just mumbled a few words about the safety of my baby in my womb! I attended Sunday Mass regularly. Those were the few spiritual exercises I did for the next few years - I didn't know what else to do! But whatever I did I did it wholeheartedly! 

1999 onwards.......

1999 ended with my marriage!

Keeping my Prince Charming on the back burner, I started a new life. But this new life turned out to be worse than the previous one - it was like jumping into the fire from the frying pan - the inlaws turned out to be worse than my family! But I was helpless - I had rebelled against my father to get married and leave the hell created by him. He threatened me and told me not to be back if anything went wrong. Same treatment from one of my brothers. So I could not go back to them! 

And then one fine night, two months after our marriage, the inlaws threw the two of us from their house. We were homeless. If Mr Hubby had not supported me and had listened to his parents, my life would have turned out to be a living hell all over again - my family would have been proven right - and they would have forever cursed me for being rebellious to them! 

But like I said before, Jesus had a different plan for me! Even though I didn't know him, he knew me from my mother's womb. That's why he didn't give me my Prince Charming at that time - perhaps I didn't need him then - I needed someone who would be an instrument in getting me into Christianity, in getting me to know Christ, who had been waiting to include me into his family and eventually into Carmel - the most beautiful place in the world! 

1999

I started 1999 with a debacle!

I lost my job in the very first month!

I was broke in February and March. 

In March I got a freelance writing assignment and it was during this assignment that Mr Hubby made his entry into my life. But I didn't even look his way when he asked me to keep the change money (it's a different story altogether). But somehow I knew he was one of those again who would be making me say no as he didn't match the description of my Prince Charming. I was so tired of this!

So for the next two and a half months, I didn't bother to get in touch with him even though he had asked me to! But Jesus had a different plan for my life which I was unaware of - I was unaware of Jesus also - but he was very much aware of me!!!

1997 and 1998

They say that the more you try to remember, the more you are reminded! So when I wrote about my life in 1996, the more I am reminded of my life in the following two years.

The following two years 1997 and 1998 were the most difficult years of my life. As the atrocities at home kept increasing, there was a desperate need of earning my own money to keep me going. Though I desired to write for big publications, they would not allow me to work because of my non-qualifications. So I had to make do with small b2b publications that didn't mind my non-qualifications. The salary was just enough to sustain me. 

Though my life was in shambles I had high hopes. I had the high hopes that my tall, dark and handsome Prince Charming would soon come riding on his horse, fall head over heels in love with me and sweep me off my feet. I wanted my Prince Charming to be an Air Force pilot because my father was in the Air Force. That was the only thing about him that I liked. 

So day in and day out I just kept dreaming and waiting for my Prince Charming. It was so difficult to like and dislike all the wrong guys during this waiting period. I broke many hearts and many broke my heart. No matter how much I searched no one was able to fit into my definition of my Prince Charming. No one matched his description. I was always heartbroken.

What painful days and nights and years those were! There was no peace anywhere, no one matched the description of my Prince Charming and I was wondering whether he existed anywhere!

My life in 1996

In 1996 I lived in Vasai. It was my burning desire to be a journalist. So I joined Exim on 1st February as a trainee journalist. I was a part timer. In the morning I went to the office and came back in the afternoon to attend college. I was on cloud nine. Thus went on life for a few months. 

Then I fell sick! It was quite bad so the doctor advised a change of place. So my mother took me to her sister's house in Jamshedpur. We stayed there for a couple of months. I enjoyed it over there. There were no distractions and the heart was quite peaceful. But then it was time to come back to my maddening world - come back to my alcoholic father and two dominating elder brothers! I didn't want to but I had to! 

So I came back to Vasai. Again my heart was restless. So I started looking out for a job. Though I got a job it was not a writing job. Still, I took it up because I wanted to be away from my maddening family as much as possible. It was a full-time job and I was happy because it allowed me to be away from the wrath of my father. Since I was single, I indulged in my clothes as I loved to wear pretty clothes. 

Here I would not say that I enjoyed my singlehood as it was not that easy. It was so much difficult to handle my inferiority complex because of my father. He made me feel like a non-achiever - nothing I did could make him happy - so I was a rebel in my own way - I did exactly what he didn't want me to!

That is how my life was in the year 1996. 

A 20-year-old college dropout who had no idea what to do in life - different from her family in her ideology and confused and a loner and headstrong!!! 

Beautiful Garden of Carmel

Lord, in your beautiful garden of Carmel

Let me be a flower so rare!

When your angel of peace passes through my midst,

Let me dazzle up his countenance so fair!

Morning and evening let me gently sway

To brighten the angel's way!

One loving glance from the angel of peace

Is what I ask to not shatter into a piece!

Your angel of peace is what I seek

In your beautiful garden of Carmel.

Let my days and nights fill the angel's heart with intrigue and marvel.

My Peace

I found my peace in Carmel,

I found my happiness in Carmel,

My peace and my happiness always existed in Carmel,

I didn't know I just had to seek in Carmel.

Carmel is where my heart belongs,

Carmel is where my soul belongs,

Carmel is where lead all my songs,

Carmel is where I am destined to throng. 

Oh, what peace there is in Carmel, 

In its resplendent beauty, my eyes marvel. 

Now I know your plans, Lord

Now I know why here I trod,

When my life was in crumble,

You beckoned to me the beauty of Carmel!

By Jubilee Cardozo 

What is prayer?

Day 4: Homily by Rev. Fr. (Dr.) Rudolph Raj Pinto, OCD:

Prayer is a relationship. A relationship with God. So if prayer is conversing with God, being in relationship with God, where was God in Mary's life? God was in her womb. She lived prayer in her heart, in her womb. This is the secret to our prayer. After all the spiritual exercises, it is to feel the presence of God, the closeness, the nearness of God to yourself. The basic fundamental to being in a relationship with God is to have an intimate relationship with God - that we are bound to him in blood. 

In the mystical realm, we also hear of the prayer of simplicity. It's not necessary to have the intellectual to make great prayers, what is important is to come into the presence of the Lord, and just be in his presence. Prayer is feeling God close to you and this requires constant practice. My presence is enough for you, says the Lord. Just be in his presence. Sit and relax with the Lord - that is prayer. 

Since none of us gives attention to our tired souls St. Ambrose says that for many Christians the soul has gone dry and dead. The only way to recover the health of your soul is through prayer. St. Ambrose asks us to revive our souls. Lord knows us through our hearts and not through our lips and our hands. So let us remember that prayer is simple - wherever you might be lost when you come to His presence, he knows you are there and he will attend to you!!!

The Lord loves you the more!

An excerpt from the Lenten retreat (Day 3) given to us by Fr. Rudolph Raj Pinto:

God requires us to be His children. To be a God no, but to be a Father. So know your worth. Don’t ever call yourself worthless. Even if you are a sinner, even if you are fragile, even if you have hundreds of limitations, still He is your Father. A mother loves a handicapped child more especially. So if you are handicapped in your spiritual life, if you find yourself unworthy, do not give up hope. The Lord loves you the more. Little Flower puts it so well because there are habitual sinners. Is it that you are instilled to fall into your habitual sin or is the Lord making you fall into that sin? Little Flower gives the example of a child who runs again and again and falls so that the father or the mother comes running to pick the child up. So is your soul doing the same game with the Father? To get that attention of the heavenly Father, to get the benefit of the love of that merciful Father, could your soul also be playing the same games? So let us play these games with the heavenly Father because we are his children. We have that freedom. So it could be that your soul is playing those games to get the attention of the Father. So you have an easy solution for your habitual offence that it could be by the will of God. So do not ever give up hope.